|
|
Post by pearo on Jan 16, 2019 9:59:47 GMT
Why is Abbreviation such a long word?
|
|
|
|
Post by RipRoaringPotter on Jan 16, 2019 10:16:14 GMT
Why is Abbreviation such a long word? For the same reason dyslexia is so hard to spell, and lisp has an 's' in it. |
|
|
|
Post by 4372 on Jan 18, 2019 10:30:10 GMT
Well,I am hoping for better jokes this week.Last Friday I was asked if I wanted S and M when i came home.Of course i said yes. Came home to sausages and mash.
|
|
|
|
Post by lawrieleslie on Jan 18, 2019 10:51:02 GMT
With twice as many syllables how is WWW short for World Wide Web
|
|
|
|
Post by danceswithclams on Jan 18, 2019 11:53:20 GMT
Q: How do Ewoks change a lightbulb?
A: With their bear hands.
|
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Jan 18, 2019 12:11:14 GMT
An old man walks into the local newspaper office and asks, "How much does it cost to place a death notice in the paper?"
The young lady behind the counter replies, "£1 per word Sir."
He rummages in his pocket and pull out three pound coins. Then the old guy pulls a notepad and pencil on the counter towards him and writes, then pushes the 3 coins over with the notepad.
The assistant looks at the notepad which says Ada is dead.
The assistant wells up and says, "Wait here." And heads off to the back room.
She comes back a minute later and says, "I've had a word with the editor, and he says in the circumstances you can have 3 more words on us, for free.
The old guy takes back the notepad, scribbles and pushes it back.
The assistant looks down and reads; Ada is dead Micra for sale.
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2019 12:58:39 GMT
There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big Harley. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper,and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful!! I'll take it. But you've got to tell me how you keep it in such good shape."
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan as well). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents house. See, it's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple get to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says," I must tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the dining room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the living room there's an even bigger pile of dirty dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they have sex on the dinner table. Of course no one says a word.
"Her Mother's got a really good body...", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mum and ravishes her right there on the dinner table. Again, no one says a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, and thinks he'd better take care of the motorcycle so he pulls the vaseline from his pocket. The father stands up and shouts:
"All right, I'll do the f@(#ing dishes!!"
|
|
|
|
Post by felonious on Jan 18, 2019 14:57:04 GMT
What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a Rottweiler?
A Rottweiler eventually lets go 
|
|
|
|
Post by murphthesurf on Jan 21, 2019 14:16:22 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Mendicant on Jan 21, 2019 22:30:00 GMT
What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a Rottweiler?
A Rottweiler eventually lets go
What's the difference between a social worker and a Rottweiler? You get your kids back off a Rottweiler. |
|
|
|
Post by claytonscrubs on Jan 21, 2019 23:16:40 GMT
A man is lying on a beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks,“If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady. ”He replies,”If you were any sort of sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”
|
|
|
|
Post by Northy on Jan 25, 2019 7:40:20 GMT
I dunno, we are always in for a shock now and again aren't we and don't get any wiser with age an all.
I was chatting to a bird in the pub last night . She whispered, "Do you fancy coming back to mine, I've got a fanny the size of a polo?", I said, "Oh feckin' yes" . When we got back to her place I pulled down her knickers and gasped.. She said, " Surprised?" I said "Totally. I thought you meant the mint not the fucking hatchback model!
|
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Jan 25, 2019 15:10:49 GMT
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her,hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a full breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was settling in at her new home.
"So Mum, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2019 15:57:33 GMT
Mexican protesters are said to be furious at Donald Trumps plans for a border wall.
Theyll get over it
|
|
|
|
Post by pretzel on Jan 28, 2019 20:18:04 GMT
It's a shame for Andy Murray who was planning to publicly end his career at Wimbledon this year.
Looks like he's had his thunder stolen by Andy Carroll.
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2019 20:41:44 GMT
A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra £100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the f**k up right now or you're going to get us both fired."
|
|
|
|
Post by scfcwebby on Jan 28, 2019 23:17:50 GMT
A huge thank you to my neighbour for allowing me to borrow her large sheet of plastic covering to stop my car window frosting over.
Ta Pauline!
|
|
|
|
Post by marylandstoke on Jan 29, 2019 4:20:53 GMT
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a bar.. The doorman stops them and says sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai. |
|
|
|
Post by marylandstoke on Jan 29, 2019 4:21:17 GMT
Respect is due.
|
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Jan 29, 2019 11:31:55 GMT
What's Andy Murray's favourite kind of music?
Hip Op
|
|
|
|
Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Jan 29, 2019 17:14:48 GMT
Santa visits a children's ward, goes to the first bed, sees a white lad with no legs.
Santa asks what he would like for Christmas, the child replies, I have always wanted to be a footballer, but I have no legs, so Santa delves into his sack & pulls out a brand new pair of legs, cheers Santa the lad said.
Went to the next bed, young white girl with no arms, Santa says what would you like for Christmas, she replies, I have always wanted to be a tennis player, but I have no arms, Santa delves into his sack & pulls out a new set of arms, cheers Santa the girl said.
Santa goes to the next bed, black lad with just a head, Santa asks & what would you like for Christmas, the lad replies, well Santa I have always wanted to be a Bodybuilder, but I have no body, so Santa delves into his sack, rummages around for a bit
, then pulls out a piece of string, and says, How do fancy being a conker.
|
|
|
|
Post by pretzel on Jan 29, 2019 22:49:28 GMT
Got chatting to girl at a party and asked her name?
She said "my friends all call me Vivaldi”
Classy I thought, so asked if she played the violin
She said “Naaah, my names Viv and I work in Aldi”
|
|
|
|
Post by MrFlirty on Jan 30, 2019 13:10:10 GMT
Santa visits a children's ward, goes to the first bed, sees a white lad with no legs. Santa asks what he would like for Christmas, the child replies, I have always wanted to be a footballer, but I have no legs, so Santa delves into his sack & pulls out a brand new pair of legs, cheers Santa the lad said. Went to the next bed, young white girl with no arms, Santa says what would you like for Christmas, she replies, I have always wanted to be a tennis player, but I have no arms, Santa delves into his sack & pulls out a new set of arms, cheers Santa the girl said. Santa goes to the next bed, black lad with just a head, Santa asks & what would you like for Christmas, the lad replies, well Santa I have always wanted to be a Bodybuilder, but I have no body, so Santa delves into his sack, rummages around for a bit , then pulls out a piece of string, and says, How do fancy being a conker. Subtle Racism is alive and kicking still |
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2019 19:41:59 GMT
An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.
The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."
|
|
|
|
Post by auntiegeorge on Jan 31, 2019 12:09:08 GMT
Essex girl enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher love".
|
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Feb 1, 2019 16:01:18 GMT
A man pulls alongside a small boy on the pavement.
‘I’ll give you some sweets if you get in my car.’
‘No, leave me alone,’ the boy replies.
‘Come on, I’ll take you for ice cream later as well,’ he insists.
The boy suddenly stops and turns to the man and says, 'Sod off Dad, I’m not going to Vale Park again no matter what you say.’
|
|
|
|
Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Feb 1, 2019 16:24:25 GMT
A man is in a hotel lobby.
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2019 17:46:05 GMT
A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.
Then at the height of the party, the millionaire said, "I have a 15 foot man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who'll join him in the pool."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Brian in the pool fighting madly with the crocodile, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butting it, getting it in choke holds, biting it's tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of martial arts expert.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Brian and the crocodile were screaming and raising hell.
Finally, after what seemed like an age, Brian strangled the crocodile and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish.
An exhausted Brian wearily climbed out of the pool with everybody staring at him in disbelief.
The millionaire said, "Well, Brian, I reckon I owe you a million dollars then."
"Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Brian.
So the millionaire said "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks?"
"No thanks, I don't want it," Brian insisted.
The millionaire said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?"
Once again, Brian said, "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Brian, then what do you want?"
"I want the bastard who pushed me in," said Brian.
|
|
|
|
Post by pretzel on Feb 1, 2019 19:23:59 GMT
What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?
Arrrrgghhh Kelly!
|
|
|
|
Post by marylandstoke on Feb 1, 2019 22:21:28 GMT
Was at the Doctors for the annual check up and he told me he had very bad news. He said “Mr M, you have the highest cholesterol level I have ever seen. When you die, which you will very soon, would you will your body to me”
I said certainly Doctor, is this for medical research?
He said no, I want to hang you in the garden so the blue tits can peck at you.
|
|
