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Post by harryburrows on Dec 24, 2018 21:06:45 GMT
Bought my daughter a fridge for Christmas, can wait for her face to light up when she opens it
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Post by murphthesurf on Dec 24, 2018 21:23:02 GMT
Bought my daughter a fridge for Christmas, can wait for her face to light up when she opens it  Yer daft bat! (Very good!) |
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Post by murphthesurf on Dec 24, 2018 21:26:46 GMT
A Stokie walks into the vet's and says "I'm 'ere about me cat" The vet says "Is it a tom?" The man says "No, it's in me car"  Thanks, mate. I've now got a keyboard covered in G & T!  |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 24, 2018 21:27:26 GMT
Three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks."
So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.
St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.
St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn't want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he's extremely careful where he steps.
Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She's tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy.
Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy.
The guy happily says to the woman, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
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Post by murphthesurf on Dec 24, 2018 21:47:16 GMT
Three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks." So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one. St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen. St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn't want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he's extremely careful where he steps. Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She's tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy. Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy. The guy happily says to the woman, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck." Dees, when I heard it she said 'stepped on one of his f*cking ducks'. |
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Post by murphthesurf on Dec 24, 2018 21:53:08 GMT
Okay........
Two wild-west cowboys are out on the range, talking about their favorite sex position, and one says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
The other cowboy says "RODEO position??? I've never heard of that one, what is it?"
The first cowboy replies "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then after a few minutes you lean right over and whisper in her ear, 'Oh, honey, this feels great - almost as good as when I do it with your sister.' Then you try to hold on for 30 seconds."
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Post by pearo on Dec 24, 2018 22:10:02 GMT
I’ve bought my wife a bag and a belt for Christmas, the hoover will work so much better tomorrow
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Post by Clayton Wood on Dec 28, 2018 10:21:41 GMT
Rod Hull's funeral was shit, but the reception was excellent.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2018 11:20:52 GMT
There was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of baked beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said yes, so he went to the toilet but there was a long queue, so he went back to the foyer, got the food, and went back into the cinema.
When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremendously long queue. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off.
When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, ''Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them.''
He agrees, although he's about to cry at this point as he needs to fart so much.
They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards Duke the family's dog, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and shouts ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
''Great!'' he thought. ''They really think it's the dog!'' So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers.
Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. ''Duke, get the hell out from under the table before he shits on you!!''
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Post by felonious on Dec 28, 2018 12:27:00 GMT
Three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks." So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one. St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen. St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn't want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he's extremely careful where he steps. Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She's tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy. Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy. The guy happily says to the woman, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck." Dees, when I heard it she said 'stepped on one of his f*cking ducks'. Flocking? |
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Post by felonious on Dec 28, 2018 12:29:39 GMT
Rod Hull's funeral was shit, but the reception was excellent. Is this a slow burner? |
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Post by Clayton Wood on Dec 28, 2018 12:47:02 GMT
Rod Hull's funeral was shit, but the reception was excellent. Is this a slow burner? Scraping the bottom of the joke bag mate  Talking of which, An old dear weighed down with two shopping bags is trudging, bent double, past the bet365. Peter Coates sees her struggling along through his office window, pokes his head out and shouts down, "Can you manage duck?" The old dear looks up and replies, "Piss off, you picked Rowett, don't expect me to get you out of the shit." |
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Post by harryburrows on Dec 28, 2018 13:05:56 GMT
Rod Hull's funeral was shit, but the reception was excellent. Is this a slow burner? 
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Post by pretzel on Dec 28, 2018 21:51:46 GMT
I opened my wallet to pay for a round of drinks the other night and a picture of the wife fell out on the bar.
The guy next to me, picked it up, looked at it and passed it back to me.
Just to make conversation, I said "Thanks... she's beautiful isn't she?"
He said "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife mate"
I said "Why, is she a stunner?"
He said "No... she's an optician"
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Post by murphthesurf on Dec 28, 2018 22:00:50 GMT
I opened my wallet to pay for a round of drinks the other night and a picture of the wife fell out on the bar. The guy next to me, picked it up, looked at it and passed it back to me. Just to make conversation, I said "Thanks... she's beautiful isn't she?" He said "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife mate" I said "Why, is she a stunner?" He said "No... she's an optician" I think that might have been my photo.  Is that you, Crispin? |
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Post by murphthesurf on Dec 29, 2018 10:59:34 GMT
I opened my wallet to pay for a round of drinks the other night and a picture of the wife fell out on the bar. The guy next to me, picked it up, looked at it and passed it back to me. Just to make conversation, I said "Thanks... she's beautiful isn't she?" He said "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife mate" I said "Why, is she a stunner?" He said "No... she's an optician" I think that might have been my photo. Is that you, Crispin? |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2018 13:36:51 GMT
A man escapes from prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2018 13:54:57 GMT
A man buys a sports car and is really beginning to enjoy it when he sees flashing lights in the rear view mirror. He puts his foot down and is rapidly up to 160mph when he realizes what he is doing. He slows down, then pulls over and soon the cop pulls up behind him.
The traffic cop walks up to the window and asks, “What were you thinking, taking off like that?”
“Well,” the man replies after thinking about it for a bit, “a few years ago a police officer ran off with my wife.”
“What does that have to do with anything.”
“I thought you were bringing her back.”
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Post by Clayton Wood on Dec 29, 2018 14:37:46 GMT
Two drunks are making their way home using the railway line as a short cut.
The first drunk says: "I didn't realise this was such a long staircase."
The second drunk replies: "Or the banister handrails were so low."
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jan 11, 2019 15:50:24 GMT
“Dad, why did you call my sister Teresa?”
“Because your mum likes Easter, son. It’s an anagram.”
“Cool, thanks Dad”
“No problem. Have a good day at school, Alan.”
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Post by Northy on Jan 11, 2019 16:47:10 GMT
A young lad comes home for his tea and hears nosies from the bedroom, dads stripping off mums clothes when the boy asks 'what are you doing to mum dad, that's not a nice thing to do?' dad says, "nothing, go to your room and I'll explain in 20 minutes".
soon after he hears screaming noises coming from the granny annexe room, he runs down to find his son stripping off grannies clothes, "what are you doing son?" dad asks, "stop it at once" the boy replies "oh so it's not nice when it's your mum then"
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2019 17:59:50 GMT
Three men are stranded on an island. They are close to starvation, when a native tribe finds them and takes them back to their camp. The leader says:" Go in a jungle and bring back a fruit, then we will let you live". They go out looking for fruits, the first guy comes back with a peach. The leader says:" Now take the peach and shove it up your ass, if you laugh, we will kill you."
He attempts it but has to laugh so they cut his head off. The second man appears back from his trip with a grape. The leader gives him the same instructions, but the second guy doesn't seem to have any problems, but bursts out laughing mid way through his test. He too is beheaded.
In heaven the two guys meet, the first guy says:" I laughed because the peaches fuzz was tickling my bum, why did you laugh?"
The second man responded:" I was doing fine, until I saw the third guy come back with a Pineapple."
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Post by pretzel on Jan 11, 2019 18:03:47 GMT
I gave our postman a fright this morning when I showed up at the door naked.
I'm not sure what scared him most; the fact that I was naked or that I knew where he lived?
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jan 11, 2019 19:58:43 GMT
An explorer is out in the African jungle and gets separated from his colleagues. He's found by a tribe of cannibals who take him back to their village. A huge cauldron is boiling above a fire and the explorer is steered towards it with bamboo spears.
The chief asks him "Do you have any last requests before you are boiled alive?"
The explorer asks, "Look is there any way I can get out of this?"
The chief replies, "If you can pass the 3 tests of manhood you can become a warrior of our tribe."
"I'll do anything rather than boil." Says the explorer.
The chief points to the edge of the camp and says, "Right. You see those 3 mud huts? In the first is a gallon of our strongest pure wood alcohol, you have to drink it all. In the second is a lion with toothache, you need to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Then the third hut has the village nymphomaniac, you need to satisfy her. Complete the tasks and you will live and become a warrior."
"Right, I'll give it a go" the explorer says and heads into the first hut. An hour later he crawls out on his hands and knees paralytic. He manages to claw his way into the second hut. There comes roaring, screaming, shouting and growling from the hut for half an hour before the explorer staggers out. He's covered in blood, his clothes are ripped to shreds and gaping wounds cover his arms and legs.
"Right," says the explorer wiping sweat from his face, "Where's this girl with the toothache?"
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shimmer
Academy Starlet
Posts: 244
Location: Middle Earth
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Post by shimmer on Jan 11, 2019 20:31:31 GMT
Knock knock
Who's there?
Dr?
Dr Who!
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shimmer
Academy Starlet
Posts: 244
Location: Middle Earth
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Post by shimmer on Jan 11, 2019 20:33:28 GMT
A Stokie walks into the vet's and says "I'm 'ere about me cat" The vet says "Is it a tom?" The man says "No, it's in me car" Thanks, mate. I've now got a keyboard covered in G & T! |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2019 20:47:53 GMT
A man takes his sick puppy to the vet. They’re immediately taken to a treatment room.
Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the puppy for a couple of minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the puppy for a couple of minutes and leaves. Finally, the vet
comes back in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a £250 bill.
“This must be a mistake,” the man says. “I’ve only been here 10 minutes at the most !”
“No mistake,” the vet says. “It’s £100 for the lab test, £100 for the cat scan and £50 for the medicine.”
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Post by dexta on Jan 12, 2019 10:56:34 GMT
Young lad walks in and sees his dad with his dick in the biscuit barrel...goes into living room and says to his mum...mum why has me dad got his dick in the biscuit barrel..mum sayns ignore him hes fucking crackers
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Post by alsagerstokie on Jan 13, 2019 20:34:22 GMT
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean
all go to a bar..
The doorman stops them and says sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.
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Post by scfcwebby on Jan 13, 2019 20:49:11 GMT
Hedgehogs...
...Why can't they share the hedge?
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Yer daft bat! (Very good!)
Thanks, mate. I've now got a keyboard covered in G & T! 
Talking of which,
Is that you, Crispin? 
