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Post by pretzel on Oct 26, 2018 20:43:31 GMT
A bestialist, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist are sat in the dayroom of Broadmoor Hospital;
The bestialist says "Let's catch a cat and rape it!"
The sadist says "Then we'll torture it!"
The murderer says "Then we'll kill it!"
The necrophiliac says "Then we'll **** it again!"
The pyromaniac adds "Then we'll set it on fire!"
There's a moment of silence and they all turn to look at the masochist
With a smile he says...…… "Miaow"
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Post by felonious on Oct 27, 2018 13:09:15 GMT
A bloke comes home early to find his mate in bed with his wife. Completely losing it he beats the mate to death and says to his wife "See what you've made me do"
His wife replies "You stupid man you'll have no mates left with that sort of behaviour" |
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Post by harryburrows on Oct 27, 2018 13:10:49 GMT
A bloke comes home early to find his mate in bed with his wife. Completely losing it he beats the mate to death and says to his wife "See what you've made me do"
His wife replies "You stupid man you'll have no mates left with that sort of behaviour" Quite agree , should have beaten his wife . Good mates are hard to find |
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Post by chuffedstokie on Oct 28, 2018 14:11:59 GMT
On the way into work and got stuck behind a tractor. The driver was shouting out of the window "the world is going to end", "the world is going to end ", "the end of the world is nigh".
I think it was Farmer Geddon.
I'll see myself out. 😜
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Post by marylandstoke on Oct 29, 2018 2:23:05 GMT
Was in Birmingham at the zoo and asked one of the zookeepers what’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison.
He said Yawm can’t wash your hands in a buffalo
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Post by thevoid on Oct 29, 2018 18:03:38 GMT
I went to the car wash the other day and starting foaming at the mouth.
I thought, "I'm not standing for this", and immediately cycled out again.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Oct 29, 2018 18:33:55 GMT
Was up the loft last week and shocked to find a Stradivarius and a Constable covered in dust. Even more shocked when I realised the violin was made by Constable and the painting was by Stradivarius.
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Post by FbrgVaStkFan on Oct 29, 2018 19:13:52 GMT
A bestialist, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist are sat in the dayroom of Broadmoor Hospital; The bestialist says "Let's catch a cat and rape it!" The sadist says "Then we'll torture it!" The murderer says "Then we'll kill it!" The necrophiliac says "Then we'll **** it again!" The pyromaniac adds "Then we'll set it on fire!" There's a moment of silence and they all turn to look at the masochist With a smile he says...…… "Miaow" I heard the American version where he said "meow" instead. |
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Post by Clayton Wood on Oct 29, 2018 19:49:14 GMT
The judge is addressing a suspect in the dock.
Young man you are charged with murder, how do you plead?
{cough cough} Not guilty your honour.
You are charged with rape, how do you plead?
{cough cough} Not guilty your honour.
You are charged with arson, how do you plead?
{cough cough} Not guilty your honour.
Tell me my man, do you need to suck a Fisherman's Friend?
{cough cough} Don't you think I'm in enough trouble already M'Lud?
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Post by Clayton Wood on Nov 9, 2018 10:37:36 GMT
A British tourist is walking the hills of central Spain when he happens upon a small village with a run down tapas bar. He goes inside and there is one local in the corner tucking into a plate with 2 huge meatballs in gravy. The owner comes out from the back and says;
"Si señor?"
"I'll have a plate of what he's having." He says pointing to the local in the corner.
"No posseeble, señor, that is the house speciality. We only have that after the local bull fight. Eeet is how you say? The bollocks of bull. We are a small village and only have one bull per fight."
"I see. When is the next fight?"
"Tomorrow, señor. Come back tomorrow and we will see what we can do"
So the tourist heads off and finds a room for the night. Next day he goes into the Tapas and a different local is in the corner tucking into a plate with 2 huge meatballs in gravy.
The owner comes comes out and says, "Sorry señor, the house speciality has gone for today, come back tomorrow." The next day he heads into the Tapas early to find he is the first one in.
"Si señor?" Says the owner.
"House speciality please."
"Si señor."
The owner reappears with a plate with two meatballs the size of Brazil nuts and sets it down on the table. The tourist tucks in and finds them delicious. He calls the owner over.
"They were fantastic, but I see what your game is. When it's a local you serve the huge meatballs, the tourist only gets the tiny meatballs!"
"No, no señor, some days the bull, he wins."
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Post by mattyd on Nov 9, 2018 10:59:55 GMT
I was looking at my wife: no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess and smoking a roll up. Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart.
"You are a mess and I'm disgusted with you," I said.
"I'm still the woman you love and married," she said. "Sometimes we all let ourselves go a bit."
"We're on our fucking honeymoon," I replied!
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Post by mattyd on Nov 9, 2018 11:03:03 GMT
I went train spotting today
It was really easy, they are absolutely massive and make loads of fucking noise.
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Post by wagsastokie on Nov 9, 2018 13:01:09 GMT
Two parrots sitting on a perch one turns around and says to the other
Do you smell fish ?
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Post by marylandstoke on Nov 9, 2018 17:16:07 GMT
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says “does this taste funny to you”
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2018 18:32:16 GMT
Talking to a bloke at work, he said, what rhymes with orange, I said no it doesn’t!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2018 19:38:30 GMT
How do you make a gay man fuck a woman?
Shit in her cunt.
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Post by samba :) on Nov 9, 2018 21:09:28 GMT
How do you make a gay man fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt. Gross discusting vile horrible |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2018 21:21:10 GMT
How do you make a gay man fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt. Gross discusting vile horrible If it's good enough for Jimmy Carr.... |
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Post by marylandstoke on Nov 10, 2018 6:46:07 GMT
There you go then. Answered your own question. If it’s good enough for Jimmy Carr it’s no where near good enough for The Oatcake.
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Post by thequietman on Nov 10, 2018 14:21:06 GMT
A butcher at work one day has a terrible accident. He gets too close the mincing machine; it grabs his apron, drags him in + mangles his manhood to a stump.
He's rushed to hospital but there's nothing they can salvage. He's lying in bed, feeling very sorry for himself when he's visited by a new consultant.
"That's a terrible thing to have happened, is there nothing they can do for you?"
"Nothing. I'll have to pee sitting down for the rest of my life. The wife and I had an amazing sex life, but that's finished now. She's heartbroken."
"Well, I'm also a qualified veterinary surgeon and I've had an idea. I could try grafting on a baby elephant's trunk."
"I'll try anything, go ahead and do it."
The operation takes place and appears to be a success. After a further week in hospital to make sure all is well, the consultant discharges the man, telling him to come back for a check up in a month. He also tells him to refrain from sex for another week but that he should be fine in due course.
A month passes and the man returns to the consultant.
"Well, now, how's it been for you?"
"Amazing, doctor. Even better than my original willy, you've transformed my life. I'm the envy of every bloke in the showers at the gym and sex is amazing. My wife has a permanent grin on her face."
"Good, good, I'm really pleased. Any problems with it?"
"Just one. Our favourite restaurant has banned me from eating soup there again."
"Banned from eating soup? Why on earth would they do that?"
"We went there last saturday and, when they served my soup, the damned thing kept grabbing bread rolls off the table and stuffing them up my arse."
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Post by thevoid on Nov 13, 2018 11:07:48 GMT
This works better vocally but here goes:
What's yellow, ugly and lives off dead beetles?
Yoko Ono.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Nov 16, 2018 10:54:51 GMT
An ageing City banker decides he's had enough of the pressures of the job, the endless commuting and trying to please investors. So he decides to sell his house in Surrey, cash in his share options, take his pension and buy a ranch out the mid-west of good old USofA. He's been there about 6 months and hasn't spoken to another living soul and is starting to rue the solitude he thought he wanted.
One Saturday morning there's a knock at the door. He opens it to find the doorway filled with a 6 foot 6 inch muscled hillbilly complete with dungarees, stetson, boots, spurs and a stalk of grass hanging out of the side of his mouth.
"Howdy pardner, hear y'all new in town?" Enquires the hillbilly.
"Why yes" says the banker, "I was just thinking how quiet it was here."
"Can be pretty lonesome 'round these parts pardner, so I thought it'd be mighty neighbourly to invite you over to my place tonight for a welcoming party."
"Well that's very kind of you. Yes I'd love to." Says the banker enthusiastically.
"Tell truth pardner parties in this place can get rowdy and there'll be some drinkin' n a'cussin' goin' on." Smiles the hillbilly.
"That's no problem, I'm a man of the world." Replies the banker.
"To be honest, there'll be some drinkin', cussin' and violence goin' on."
"I've been around a bit so don't worry about me."
"To totally level with you pardner there'll be some drinkin', cussin', violence and some sex. Maybe some violent sex goin' on." Says the hillbilly cracking his knuckles and spitting a wad of chewing tobacco on to the porch.
"Don't worry about me." Says the banker. "I'm fine with all that."
"OK pardner, be at my place at 7.30 tonight. Follow the old dried up crick for a mile and my place is down on the left. Can't miss it. It's the only place down there." Says the local as he touches the brim of his hat.
"Right, 7.30 at your place at the end of the dried up river. Oh, one question. What's the dress code, jeans, casual, tuxedo?" Asks the old man.
"Don't much matter pardner, only you n I goin' to be there."
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Post by Clayton Wood on Nov 23, 2018 18:37:00 GMT
A 94 year old man and his 92 year old wife go to the doctors.
Doctor: What can I do for you?
94 year old man: Well, we've noticed our lovemaking is much less frequent and not as satisfying anymore.
Doctor: I see, and when did you first notice this?
92 year old woman: 5 times last night and twice this morning Doc.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Nov 26, 2018 7:25:41 GMT
The wife suggested we should spice up our sex life by playing Doctors and Nurses.
So I put her on a trolley in the hall and ignored her for 48 hours.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Nov 30, 2018 12:34:35 GMT
A young sheep farmer is propping up the bar of his local, swilling the last of his ale around his glass when the local vet walks in.
"Hello, you look pretty gloomy." Says the vet.
"Aye." Says the young farmer, "I had to sell my prize ram today, to make ends meet, to put food on the table. With no ram I can't breed my 6 ewes and when they have gone that's it for me. Six generations have run this farm before me and it will all come to an end on my watch."
The vet shoves his hands in his pockets, looks at his feet, then looks up at the young man and says, "Well, it's not known outside of veterinary circles that the genes of a sheep are not an exact match to humans, but close enough to allow successful breeding between humans and sheep. You can continue your flock on yourself, but do not tell anyone I said so."
The farmer looking stunned asks, "Are you saying if I personally, you know, with the ewes it will work?"
"Indeed." Says the vet, "But it's down to you if you want to try it. If you do you'll know the next day if it has worked. If the ewes are standing up it's failed, if they are lying down then they are pregnant."
The young man swills down the last of his beer, thanks the vet and goes home and tells his wife what he's been told.
"Well, it's entirely up to you my love," says his wife, "but whatever you decide I'll fully support your decision.
Next morning the wife asks him what he's going to do. "I'll have to try it, it's all we've got left." So he goes out into the yard, rounds up the 6 ewes in the pen, herds them into the back of the pickup and takes them up the top field where it's private.
He gets back at 5pm. "I'm knackered after that." He says and has a light meal before turning in for the night.
Next morning he awakes and asks his wife to look out the window and see if the ewes are standing up or lying down. "They're all standing up love"
"Ah, well I'll have to try again." He admits. So he goes out into the yard, rounds up the 6 ewes in the pen, herds them into the back of the pickup and takes them up the top field again.
It's 10pm when he gets back and he declines food and heads straight to bed. Next morning he awakes, struggles to prop himself up on one elbow and asks his wife to look out the window and see if the ewes are standing up or lying down. "They're all standing up love"
"Oh no, not again!" He cries in anguish and he goes out into the yard, rounds up the 6 ewes in the pen, herds them into the back of the pickup and takes them up the top field.
It's 2am when he gets back. The wife is fast asleep in bed and the farmer collapses fully clothed next to her.
Next morning he awakes unable to move and croaks to his wife to look out the window and see if the ewes are standing up or lying down.
"Neither, they're all sat in the back of your pickup"
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Post by wagsastokie on Nov 30, 2018 13:11:12 GMT
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer
Stick it in a microwave till it’s bill withers
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Post by PotterLog on Nov 30, 2018 17:19:11 GMT
What's the diagnosis doctor
I'm afraid it's bad news. You've got cancer.
Oh god that's terrible. [crying]
I'm sorry to say there's more... you also have Alzheimer's.
Oh thank god for that! I thought you were going to say I had cancer.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Nov 30, 2018 18:34:02 GMT
So doctor have you worked out what's wrong with my wife?
I have to tell you your wife has acute angina.
Aye, she's a cracking pair of tits n'all, but what's wrong with her Doc?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2018 19:39:22 GMT
Bloke goes in a pub and orders a pint of Whitbread bitter, he's bosting for a piss so asks a bloke at the bar to watch his pint up while he nips to the gents.
Whilst he's having a piss a big black woman from the corner of the room, walks over to the bar, picks up the blokes pint, holds it by her oversize asspipe and let's rip in it, then goes and sits back down.
When the bloke returns from his piss he goes to have a swig of his pint but the other bloke at the bar says " I wouldn't drink that if I were you mate"
"Why's that?" Says the bloke.
"Well, see that big black woman up the corner, she's just guffed in it while you were in the bog".
Looking surprised the bloke walks over to the woman and says, "excuse me duck, you fart in mar Whitbread"?
"No I'm Tessa Sanderson" came the reply.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Dec 5, 2018 17:43:08 GMT
Feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He'd just put seven guys under then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME".
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
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