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Post by chuffedstokie on Feb 4, 2019 7:37:12 GMT
Just checked my bank account and I won't have to work for the rest of my life, as long as I die on Thursday.
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Post by harryburrows on Feb 4, 2019 15:27:14 GMT
Went to the fertility clinic earlier , the nurse asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup ?
I said I'm very good but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament just yet
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Post by Clayton Wood on Feb 4, 2019 15:52:17 GMT
A prostitute dies and goes up to meet her maker. St Peter meets her in front of the Pearly gates.
St Peter says "Welcome my child. In His infinite kindness God will allow any sinner to enter the Kingdom of Heaven who is without evil thought. So if you wish for eternal life you must walk from here across the clouds to the Pearly gates. If you have but one ill thought then the clouds will open and you will be cast in to the fires of Hell."
"I'll give it a go," says the prostitute, "but promise me Peter, you will be right behind me to give me support and encouragement."
"I will." Agrees Peter.
So off she sets in her black and red basque, short skirt barely covering her arse and fishnet stockings.
A quarter of the way over she calls over her shoulder "Peter how am I doing?"
"You're doing fine my child. Keep looking at the gates and keep going"
Half way and she cries "Peter I scared, help me!"
"Keep going my child, keep only pure thoughts in your mind. Look at the gates you are nearly there"
Three quarters over she stops and sobs "I can go on Peter, Peter? Peter where have you gone?"
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Feb 4, 2019 16:01:48 GMT
A Chinese man rings his boss, “Me no work I sick.”
Boss says, “When I’m sick, I make love with my wife. Try that.”
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back, “Me better, you got nice house.”
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Feb 4, 2019 16:53:26 GMT
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2019 17:38:56 GMT
Bob and his wife Edna went to the Air Show every year, and every year Bob would say,
"Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter"
Edna always replied, "I know Bob, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid"
One year Bob and Edna went to the fair, and Bob said,
"Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"
To this, Edna replied, "Bob that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid"
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
"Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty quid."
Bob and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bob and said,
"By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I have to say I'm very impressed!"
Bob replied,
"Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty quid is fifty quid ! "
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2019 17:40:59 GMT
A guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender.
As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.
He asks the bartender, "What's with the gorilla?"
The bartender says, "Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"
"Sure."
So the bartender whistles and Mable comes lumbering down the length of the bar.
The bartender pulls out a heavy steel pipe and hits the gorilla in the side of its head. The gorilla drops to its knees and starts giving the bartender a blow job.
"Wow!", says the guy.
The bartender says "Pretty amazing, huh? You want to try?"
The guys says, "Yeah, sure! Just don't hit me so hard."
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Post by harryburrows on Feb 4, 2019 18:30:21 GMT
Q.... what do girls from Longton use for protection during intercourse
A.... a bus shelter 😁
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Post by Clayton Wood on Feb 4, 2019 18:36:17 GMT
Asprin is the cheapest contraceptive available.
Tell her to hold one between her knees.
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Post by harryburrows on Feb 5, 2019 18:05:18 GMT
Saw a mate of mine last week , he looked really pissed off . Whatever's the matter I asked ? . Well I went for my annual checkup yesterday and I within a minute he had me bent over his desk whipped my trousers and pants down . He then pushed his finger so far up my arse I let outa scream . I said yes I know it's not very nice is it but better safe than sorry . Well fuck him said my mate I'm never going back there again . Don't be hasty I said we all have to go through it at our time of life . Are you sure he said , definitely I said just forget it and next time prepare yourself for it . That's a relief he said .... good dentists are hard to find
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Post by lawrieleslie on Feb 6, 2019 15:58:44 GMT
Q.... what do girls from Longton use for protection during intercourse A.... a bus shelter 😁 And what do they put behind their ears to make them more alluring? ...........Their ankles |
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Post by lawrieleslie on Feb 6, 2019 16:09:27 GMT
Went to watch the start of the Whitbread Single Handed Round the World Yacht Race. Cheating bastards were using both hands before they left sight of land.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Feb 6, 2019 16:37:44 GMT
An 80yr old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence. For 40 mins they shagged like Bastards. Arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor. "Christ" she said “you didnt Fuck Me like that 50yrs ago" To which the old man replied “50 yrs ago that fence Wasnt Fucking electrified"
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Feb 6, 2019 16:43:19 GMT
Old MacDonald had tourette’s.
E-I-E-I TWAT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2019 17:46:59 GMT
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that. About a week later, she's back at the doctor, and says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said. Not even five minutes later he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong! The drug company will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway.
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Post by pearo on Feb 6, 2019 20:02:25 GMT
A couple get married and on their wedding night the woman asks her new husband to promise to do one thing. He says “ Anything for you my darling, what is it?” The wife says “ Promise me that you will never look in the top drawer of my bedside cabinet”
The husband agrees to this and they start their life of wedded bliss. As the years go by the husband is always the first to bed as his wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, and each night he is tempted to look in the drawer but never does.
Eventually after 25 years of marriage the husband can resist temptation no longer and looks in the drawer, he sees that it contains 2 eggs and £5,000 in cash. As they lie in bed that night, the husband is overcome with guilt and tells his wife what he has done and that what he has seen makes no sense to him.
The wife says “ Well, every time I made love to another man I put an egg in the drawer “
Slightly taken aback the husband mutters “ I suppose two times in all the years we’ve been married isn’t too bad, but what about the money?”
The wife says “ Well, every time I got a dozen eggs I sold them “
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Post by Clayton Wood on Feb 6, 2019 21:22:47 GMT
It's kicking out time at the pub and the cops are sitting in a squad car in the shadow of an oak tree. Out of the pub door staggers a guy and slews his way over to a car. First he tries to get in the back door, drops his keys and crawls around on all fours, fumbles the keys before pulling himself up on the door mirror. He climbs in, puts the lights on and fishtails across the car park before pulling away down the road.
The cops, with blues and twos full blast, roar after him. Within a hundred yards they've passed him and flagged him down. The guy climbs out calmly and walks to the police car.
"Good evening officers, can I help you?" He asks without a hint of a slur.
"Good evening Sir, could I have your name please?" Asks one.
"Certainly officer, it's Gerry Smith." Comes the dead sober reply.
"Address?"
"Of course officer, I live at 23 Ladysmith Road." He replies impeccably.
"Occupation?"
"Professional decoy."
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Post by pretzel on Feb 6, 2019 22:11:35 GMT
Q.... what do girls from Longton use for protection during intercourse A.... a bus shelter 😁 And what do they put behind their ears to make them more alluring? ...........Their ankles And why are they like an advent calendar? Because every Christmas you'll find them up against a wall with their flaps open |
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Post by Clayton Wood on Feb 8, 2019 10:28:29 GMT
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
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Post by danceswithclams on Feb 8, 2019 10:56:25 GMT
I've been recommended the Adam Ant diet...
"Don't chew ever, don't chew ever..."
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Post by pretzel on Feb 8, 2019 23:23:56 GMT
Liam Neeson's in hot water again.
He was heard saying earlier this evening that he 'could murder a Chinese'
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Post by bigjohnritchie on Feb 13, 2019 12:41:19 GMT
Not a joke but I thought that this was funny
........or not
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Post by pretzel on Feb 14, 2019 19:38:10 GMT
I asked the Mrs what she wanted for Valentines day but as usual she wanted me to guess what she'd like.
I said "can't you give me a clue" but all she replied was "Think of an ex England Goalkeeper"
I suppose she must have been hinting at 'Flowers'
She must have been pretty disappointed when all she got was 'Seaman'
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Post by felonious on Feb 14, 2019 19:40:50 GMT
I asked the Mrs what she wanted for Valentines day but as usual she wanted me to guess what she'd like. I said "can't you give me a clue" but all she replied was "Think of an ex England Goalkeeper" I suppose she must have been hinting at 'Flowers' She must have been pretty disappointed when all she got was 'Seaman' Buttland?  |
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Post by cheadlepotter on Feb 14, 2019 21:34:41 GMT
I asked the Mrs what she wanted for Valentines day but as usual she wanted me to guess what she'd like. I said "can't you give me a clue" but all she replied was "Think of an ex England Goalkeeper" I suppose she must have been hinting at 'Flowers' She must have been pretty disappointed when all she got was 'Seaman' Could’ve wanted a bottle of Robinson’s. Or a Foster child. Use your Hart, man. |
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Post by Bagwash on Feb 15, 2019 0:55:35 GMT
Paddy and Murphy walking down the street,Paddy carrying a box under his arm.
Murphy-"What you got in that box,Paddy"
Paddy-"I've got some ducks."
Murphy-"If I tell you how many ducks you got in that box,can I have one?"
Paddy-"If you tell me how many ducks I've got in this box,you can have em both"
Murphy-"Three!"
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Post by lawrieleslie on Feb 15, 2019 7:43:44 GMT
Last night I surprised the Mrs for Valentines Day and booked a table. She’s never been at all keen at snooker but I thought what the hell.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Feb 15, 2019 9:22:50 GMT
A man is just pushing his lawnmower back into the garden shed when his 12 year old daughter appears and asks,
"Dad, what's sex?"
He takes a deep breath and explains about foreplay, intercourse and to be on the safe side gay sex. His daughter listens wide eyed and open mouthed.
"Anyway sweetie, why did you want to know?"
"Cos Mum said go and find your dad and tell him lunch will be ready in a few secs."
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Post by auntiegeorge on Feb 15, 2019 10:25:15 GMT
Bill Padure rings up his local paper and asks how much it costs to place a for sale ad.
"A pound an inch", the girl replies
"Christ, I've got a 40ft ladder for sale", exclaims Bill.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2019 12:51:38 GMT
Mr and Mrs Smith go to the dentist where Mr. Smith made it clear that he didn't want to spend a lot of money.
"No fancy stuff" he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife...
"Show him your bad tooth, honey!"
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