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Post by Clayton Wood on Dec 7, 2018 9:41:00 GMT
God and the devil were having an argument, and Satan proposed a football game between heaven and hell to resolve the dispute. God, in his eternal goodness, pointed out that it wouldn’t be a fair match because all the ‘good’ players go to heaven. The devil smiled, replying, “Yes, but we’ve got all the refs.”
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Post by lawrieleslie on Dec 7, 2018 16:52:28 GMT
30 something woman goes to see dr because she can’t seem to attract men into her life. The dr refers her to a Consultant called Mr Chang, an eminent Chinese professor of sexual problems.
The woman goes to see him......
Mr Chang: what seems to be pwobwem
Woman: I am unable to ever attract men into my life
Mr C: how wong this happen
Woman : all my life doctor
Mr C: ok undwess and craw on hands and knees toward door
Woman dutifully does this
Mr C: now craw back towards me
Woman obeys
Mr C ponders thoughtfully for a minute: I see pwobwem
Women: ok doctor what is it
Mr C: afwaid you have Ed Zackary syndrome
Woman: is it bad
Mr C: yes vewy big pwobwem
Woman: oh really what does it mean
Mr C: it means you have no hope because face Ed Zackary like arse.
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Post by murphthesurf on Dec 7, 2018 19:18:26 GMT
An aircraft was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachute packs. The first passenger said "I am Clint Eastwood and my millions of fans need me, so I can't afford to die." So he grabbed the first parachute pack and jumped out of the plane.
The second passenger, Donald Trump, said "I am the U.S. President, and I am the smartest president in USA history, so the American people don't want me to die." He took a second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth passenger, a 10 year-old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left. You have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's OK, Pope, there's still a parachute left for you. America's smartest president just took my school rucksack."
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Post by Clayton Wood on Dec 7, 2018 20:08:49 GMT
A lawyer, a surgeon and an accountant are gathered at the grave side of a lost friend. The grave diggers are about to throw the earth in the grave when the lawyer steps forward and says,
"When I was an articled clerk our friend lent me £100 to buy books and I never repaid him. I cannot let him go knowing I owed him money." He takes £100 out of his wallet and tosses onto the coffin.
Then the surgeon steps forward and says: "When I was a junior doctor our friend lent me £100 to buy books and food and I never repaid him. I cannot let him go knowing I too owed him money." He takes £100 out of his wallet and tosses onto the coffin.
The accountant shiftily looks at the others and says: "When I was a trainee our friend lent me £100 to buy books and I never repaid him. I cannot let him go knowing in life I also owed him money." So he takes out his cheque book, writes out a cheque for £300, reaches down into the grave, places the cheque on the coffin and scoops up the change.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2018 21:02:55 GMT
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife decided to go for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on she went: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire list of unmet needs that she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand up, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. When he stopped the woman staggered backwards and went and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this? The husband thought for a moment and then said ''Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2018 21:12:44 GMT
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I've attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, sits at the back of the hall.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2018 21:17:39 GMT
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month without having sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Dec 14, 2018 9:49:33 GMT
Shakespeare walks into a pub and asks for a beer. "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you," says the barman. "You're Bard"
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Post by henry on Dec 14, 2018 10:10:27 GMT
Why do Stoke fans smash up toilets?
Because Vale fans don’t know how to use them
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Post by murphthesurf on Dec 14, 2018 10:35:45 GMT
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please?" The barman is amazed but serves the rabbit, who drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit - as are the extra drinkers in the pub, because word has spread for miles around - serves the rabbit, who consumes the pint and the toastie and then leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "The same, please, barman, a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie." The crowd is hushed as the barman serves the rabbit, then they burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties". The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The bated breath of the assembled crowd is ear-shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".
"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee and applause as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves and blows a kiss to the crowd and leaves.......... NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now very impoverished pub, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his own) calls time. When he is tidying the now empty room, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit who used to frequent your public house". The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?" "I DIED", said the Rabbit. "NO!" said the barman,"what from?" After a short pause the rabbit said... "Mixin'-me-toasties......"
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Post by Clayton Wood on Dec 14, 2018 10:42:55 GMT
A Skeleton goes into a bar. He orders a pint of beer and a mop.
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Post by flea79 on Dec 14, 2018 11:32:46 GMT
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please?" The barman is amazed but serves the rabbit, who drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit - as are the extra drinkers in the pub, because word has spread for miles around - serves the rabbit, who consumes the pint and the toastie and then leaves. The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "The same, please, barman, a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie." The crowd is hushed as the barman serves the rabbit, then they burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down. The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties". The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The bated breath of the assembled crowd is ear-shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee and applause as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves and blows a kiss to the crowd and leaves.......... NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!! One year later in the now very impoverished pub, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his own) calls time. When he is tidying the now empty room, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit who used to frequent your public house". The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?" "I DIED", said the Rabbit. "NO!" said the barman,"what from?" After a short pause the rabbit said... "Mixin'-me-toasties......" oh god i just died a little inside after reading that! |
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Post by flea79 on Dec 14, 2018 11:33:29 GMT
for what its worth here is my attempt!!!
There was this musician in North Korea. One day he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have an orchestra play it live to him in the great auditorium.
The man, not wanting to displease the great leader did as he asked.
The big night came. With the musician stood at the front the orchestra played his masterpiece. However they were terrible!
“This isn’t how it’s supposed to sound!” The musician shouted at the orchestra, but the great leader was displeased and he called for the musician to be put to death.
Upon arriving at the execution, the musician was asked what he’d like for his final meal.
“I’d like a piping hot curry”, said the musician.
After eating his curry, the hottest curry he’d eaten in a long time, he sat in the electric chair and awaited his fate.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew across the room and the air filled with smoke... But nothing happened, the musician was unharmed.
Having witnessed this miracle, An awe struck Kim Jong-Un decided to give the musician another chance to impress him with his music.
He got straight to work, writing another piece of music, this time, his masterpiece.
The night came, and he stood in front of his orchestra as they completely murdered his piece of music.
“It wasn’t supposed to sound anything like that, nothing at all!” he exclaimed, but Kim Jong-Un isn’t the forgiving type and he sent the musician straight to the execution chamber.
Again, the guards asked him what he wanted for his final meal. This time the musician asked for a curry hot enough to burn his eyes out.
He chomped down the curry, teary eyed and sweating, then was strapped to the chair. Again they threw the switch and again the musician remained unaffected.
Dumbfounded, the great leader said, “One last chance to prove your worth”, amazed that this man was actually still alive!
The night of the third composition came, this time it was going to work, “surely this is the most masterful piece of music ever written” thought the musician.
For the third time, the orchestra failed to play the music to how the musician had written it and yet again he was sent to the execution chamber, with Kim Jong-Un himself set to throw the switch.
His final meal request was for the hottest curry ever made on this planet.
“No” said the great leader, I've had it with you and your super hot curries. We’re putting you straight in the chair this time, no final meal, you’re not walking out of here unharmed”
The musician was strapped in, the switch thrown by none other than Kim Jong-Un himself. Sparks flew, smoke bloomed an yet the man yet again was unharmed!
The great leader stood there, speechless.
The musician looked at him and said, “Oh, the curries had nothing to do with it, I’m just a terrible conductor.”
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Post by flea79 on Dec 14, 2018 11:35:07 GMT
or....
One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny
piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The
bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish.
The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside.
Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks
instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed
"I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks."
The bartender shook his head and replied, "You're telling me... Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
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Post by murphthesurf on Dec 14, 2018 11:59:28 GMT
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please?" The barman is amazed but serves the rabbit, who drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit - as are the extra drinkers in the pub, because word has spread for miles around - serves the rabbit, who consumes the pint and the toastie and then leaves. oh god i just died a little inside after reading that! Tee hee!  |
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Post by lordb on Dec 14, 2018 12:28:18 GMT
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please?" The barman is amazed but serves the rabbit, who drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit - as are the extra drinkers in the pub, because word has spread for miles around - serves the rabbit, who consumes the pint and the toastie and then leaves. The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "The same, please, barman, a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie." The crowd is hushed as the barman serves the rabbit, then they burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down. The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties". The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The bated breath of the assembled crowd is ear-shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee and applause as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves and blows a kiss to the crowd and leaves.......... NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!! One year later in the now very impoverished pub, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his own) calls time. When he is tidying the now empty room, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit who used to frequent your public house". The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?" "I DIED", said the Rabbit. "NO!" said the barman,"what from?" After a short pause the rabbit said... "Mixin'-me-toasties......" easily the best worst joke on this thread |
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Post by murphthesurf on Dec 14, 2018 12:33:22 GMT
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please?" The barman is amazed but serves the rabbit, who drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit - as are the extra drinkers in the pub, because word has spread for miles around - serves the rabbit, who consumes the pint and the toastie and then leaves. easily the best worst joke on this thread I'm 'ere all week. (TGIF?)  |
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Post by lawrieleslie on Dec 14, 2018 12:47:11 GMT
Apologies to any Tourette’s suffers for the stereo typing.
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".
'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I fucking wrote it!!!'
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 17:09:53 GMT
Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A policeman notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The officer says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The officer gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The officer looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The officer begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." He cop reaches in the window to try to handcuff the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The officer quickly pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says while he calls for backup. Soon more police, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is handcuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, another policeman walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the officer that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the boot of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 17:34:42 GMT
A man was driving at 50 mph one day when he was passed by a 3-legged chicken. He accelerated and passed the chicken. Three minutes later the chicken passed him again as he was driving at 70 mph. The man tried to catch the chicken but it ran down a side road. The man followed it into a farmyard but couldn't find it anywhere. He saw the farmer and told him the story and the man asked for an explanation. The farmer said that he, his wife and his son all liked chicken legs so he bred 3-legged chickens.
"What do they taste like?" asked the man.
"I don't know", replied the farmer, "we haven't caught one yet"
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Post by pretzel on Dec 14, 2018 19:28:39 GMT
I managed to a download a copy of that Bohemian Rhapsody film last night.
I think it must have been filmed at a cinema though because I see a little silhouetto of a man
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 19:54:30 GMT
A man is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. "Oh my, I am so sorry," she says as she pops her eye back into place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.
He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is.
He can't believe his luck. "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 19:58:41 GMT
Two men are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.
The first one peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."
The second one says, "It sure does. I know, let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."
So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There's no noise.
The first guy says, "Wow. That is really deep. I know, let's throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait... Again, nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over there, let's get that railway sleeper. Help me carry it over. When we toss that in, it's gotta make some noise."
So the two of them drag the heavy sleeper over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen and look at each other in amazement.
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, "Hey, have you two guys seen my goat out here by any chance ?"
The first guy says, "You bet we did! Strangest thing we ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railway sleeper."
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Post by felonious on Dec 23, 2018 15:49:34 GMT
Not a joke in the formal sense but did anyone see the bit of mischief going around on Friday which said:
"One more sleep until men start shopping" |
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Post by chuffedstokie on Dec 23, 2018 17:46:12 GMT
Not a joke in the formal sense but did anyone see the bit of mischief going around on Friday which said:
"One more sleep until men start shopping" Nice one. |
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Post by marylandstoke on Dec 24, 2018 0:17:47 GMT
Hope this Christmas is better than last.
Last year the wife gave me a pair of slippers and a piece of arse and they were both a bit too big.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Dec 24, 2018 9:39:15 GMT
What does the Queen call her Christmas address to the nation?
The One Show.
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Post by cerebralstokie on Dec 24, 2018 9:44:08 GMT
Matron to prep school boy. "Boy,you had better learn to make your bed properly, otherwise you and I are going to fall out."
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Post by wizzardofdribble on Dec 24, 2018 10:57:02 GMT
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Post by pretzel on Dec 24, 2018 20:58:40 GMT
A Stokie walks into the vet's and says "I'm 'ere about me cat"
The vet says "Is it a tom?"
The man says "No, it's in me car"
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