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Post by Northy on Jan 11, 2018 17:26:17 GMT
Just been to a mate's funeral, he was hit in the temple by a tennis ball, it was a great service.
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Post by Northy on Jan 12, 2018 22:22:13 GMT
Just been to another mate's funeral, he drowned in a sailing accident, his family were cross with my choice of wreath in the shape of a lifejacket. I said to them, it's what he would have wanted.
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Post by Northy on Jan 16, 2018 8:49:35 GMT
While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon. A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
"I'm OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak. "Well, OK," he finally agreed. After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."
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Post by lordb on Jan 16, 2018 19:09:00 GMT
Went to the sperm clinic earlier. The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good but not ready for competition yet' Last time I went to the clinic they said I didn't have to come again.
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Post by Cast no shadow on Jan 16, 2018 20:11:46 GMT
Went to the sperm clinic earlier. The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good but not ready for competition yet' Last time I went to the clinic they said I didn't have to come again. I bumped into an old friend in there and i asked him if he came here every week?
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Post by foster on Jan 18, 2018 13:56:18 GMT
Whats the consevative party's favourite shampoo? Tresemmé How much does a cockney pay for shampoo Pantenne What's a tramps favourite shampoo? 'Go and Wash'.
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Post by foster on Jan 18, 2018 14:03:00 GMT
Two dicks walking past a gay bar. One turns to the other and says 'Let's go in there and get shitfaced'
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Post by foster on Jan 18, 2018 14:09:31 GMT
A 6 year old little girl asks her mum..
Little girl: Mum, why do I have 'L' and 'R' written in my socks? Mum: It's so you know which foot they go on, Left or Right! Little girl: Oh, so that's why my knickers have C&A then.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jan 18, 2018 23:15:43 GMT
Forgot my tie the other night and couldn't get into the nightclub so I put some jump leads round my neck. The bouncer said ok you can come in but don't start anything. 😂
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jan 19, 2018 21:28:33 GMT
Caught a bloke drinking the acid out of the car battery, the police have got him in a cell on a charge!.
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Post by wrighter on Jan 19, 2018 22:06:16 GMT
What would Presidents Trumps bodyguards shout if he was approached by an ISIS suicide bomber
Hey, Donald duck !!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2018 11:10:30 GMT
There's been a kidnapping at my school today...eventually a teacher had to wake him up
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jan 22, 2018 17:10:02 GMT
In class. 2+2=4 Homework. 2+4+2=8 Exam. John had 4 apples, he eats one and gives to a friend. Calculate the suns mass.
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