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Post by auntiegeorge on Nov 11, 2017 18:28:21 GMT
You too can speak like an Irishman. Say this out loud: Whale Oil Beef Hooked
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Post by 4372 on Nov 11, 2017 23:21:58 GMT
What do you call a man with 4 wooden heads? I don't know either. But Edward Woodward would.
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Post by Bick on Nov 13, 2017 7:18:45 GMT
I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 13, 2017 7:33:43 GMT
You too can speak like an Irishman. Say this out loud: Whale Oil Beef Hooked Also see: Dirty Tree And A Turd
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Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 13, 2017 7:59:58 GMT
A bit long but I laughed out loud. Not a joke just very funny story........
On Radio Fox FM in Sydney, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.
If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification.
If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the fu**iest thing you’ve heard yet.
Anyway, here’s how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of "Mate Match"?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have.
"DJ: "Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.
"Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she’s at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "About 8 o’clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn’t at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh.” . Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I"ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife’s work number and call her up. You listen to this."
[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: "Okay audience; let’s call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the arse....."
They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2017 9:05:17 GMT
Some jokes just write themselves. Like this pic of a London Bus with Specsavers add on it going under a low bridge. Attachment Deleted
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Post by Northy on Nov 13, 2017 10:30:59 GMT
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank heaven for mobile phones!).
'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?' 'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.'
Have a nice day.....*
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Post by Northy on Nov 13, 2017 10:32:40 GMT
A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter."Could you give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -- tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Sure will."
The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it -- that’ll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that can of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle, and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
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Post by Bick on Nov 14, 2017 6:43:56 GMT
I've just got first place in a national bullshitting competition.
Well, I actually came 12th.
To be honest, there wasn't even a competition.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2017 18:44:49 GMT
I've just had some Little Orphans for breakfast......Snap, Crackle but no Pop.......
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Post by onesteino on Nov 15, 2017 18:00:54 GMT
I'm using Ebay to sell my car that I go dogging in. There's no bids yet but 7 people are watching.
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Post by maxplonk on Nov 15, 2017 19:54:09 GMT
What do you get when a dog drinks H2O?
K9P
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Post by Northy on Nov 16, 2017 8:48:53 GMT
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heartily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!
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Post by pearo on Nov 16, 2017 11:36:17 GMT
A couple get married and on their wedding night the woman puts a wooden box under the bed and says to her new husband “ I want you to promise me that you will never under any circumstances look inside the box that is under our bed.”
The husband thinks this is a strange thing to ask on their wedding night but he agrees to comply.
The couple stay married for over 40 years and in all that time the husband never looks in the box, until finally he is unable to resist any longer, he pulls the box from under the bed and looks inside to find 3 eggs and thousands of pounds in used notes.
Overcome with remorse at finally breaking his promise he goes downstairs and confesses to his wife what he has just done.
He then asks why there were 3 eggs and all that money in the box, so the wife says
“ Well each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in my box”
The husband thinks 3 times in over 40 years of marriage was not so bad, “What about the money ?” He asked
So the wife said “ Every time I had a dozen eggs I sold them”
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2017 20:43:12 GMT
Husband says Can we try something a bit different love?
What did you have in mind? She says
I wanted to try the wheelbarrow position
Oh OK then as long as we don't go past my mums on the way home.
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Post by Cast no shadow on Nov 17, 2017 10:02:02 GMT
I got knocked off my bike by one of those council salt wagons last night. “Fucking watch where you’re going you daft twat” i shouted through gritted teeth.
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Post by rogerjonesisgod on Nov 17, 2017 10:25:21 GMT
I got knocked off my bike by one of those council salt wagons last night. “Fucking watch where you’re going you daft twat” i shouted through gritted teeth.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2017 6:08:05 GMT
Watching a nature programme and just seen two male lions taking it in turns to shag each other.
I can't help but think.
"For the Love of God, have they no pride?"
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Post by Staffsoatcake on Nov 19, 2017 16:53:40 GMT
Woman using a candle has a Dildo,her mate said"I don't know how you can keep using that, wick in wick out"
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Post by Bick on Nov 20, 2017 6:58:03 GMT
I've just walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read: 'One day this could be you.'
So I put my pound back in my pocket, just in case he's right.
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Post by pretzel on Nov 21, 2017 23:23:24 GMT
There's a new girl started work in our office this week who gets up everybody's nose. Her name's Vicky Naylor
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Post by Cast no shadow on Nov 22, 2017 6:48:31 GMT
I remember when i used go to school and learning french; Lundi, Mardi, Mecredi, Jeudi, Vendredi, Samedi, Dimanche.
Those were the days.
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Post by mickmillslovechild on Nov 22, 2017 13:14:04 GMT
My mate does a really good Stephen Hawking impression.
Probably the only upside of the accident
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Post by unknown182 on Nov 22, 2017 19:29:18 GMT
Imagine if the Titanic has a lisp. That would be unthinkable.
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Post by bigjohnritchie on Nov 25, 2017 11:28:47 GMT
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Post by Cast no shadow on Nov 25, 2017 23:36:11 GMT
Lionel Messi goes up girl in a club and says "Get your coat, you've pulled"
She replies "Wow, you're a little forward!"
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Post by southstanddan on Nov 26, 2017 1:00:10 GMT
Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital?...... The ultrasound guy!
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Post by Staffsoatcake on Nov 26, 2017 14:01:50 GMT
A man was throwing a Violin and a painting in the skip. "What are you throwing away there"?asked another man. "A Stradivarius and Picasso"says the first bloke. "But they are worth a fortune"says the second bloke' The first bloke replies,Not really,Stradivarius was a lousy painter,and Piccasso was crap at making Violins"
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2017 21:21:00 GMT
What's the difference between Durex and a pair of Cloggs?
You can hear yourself coming in cloggs.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2017 21:23:06 GMT
Man gets a dream job testing Durex Strips off naked and puts one on In walks a blonde and starts tossing him off Oh! I thought we had full sex he says Yeh but you have to work a week in hand first
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