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Post by mustbequackers on Nov 3, 2017 13:14:56 GMT
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasorearss
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotofpuss
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Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 3, 2017 13:20:29 GMT
It’s the wife’s birthday on Satdee so, as a nice surprise, this morning I booked a table for the evening. Quite surprised really because the local snooker hall is usually fully booked weeks in advance on satdee nights.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2017 14:09:10 GMT
I ordered Roget's Thesauras from Amazon, but when it arrived all of the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
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Post by Northy on Nov 3, 2017 14:24:53 GMT
Brilliant day yesterday, I went to my gorgeous lady doctors. "What's wrong"?. she said, "I have a problem down below " .I said, "drop your pants", she says . She had a good old feel, said," nothing wrong there", I said "I know ,I've got an ingrowning toenail".
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Post by Bick on Nov 4, 2017 9:52:20 GMT
In which country do sheep fall from the sky?
Bahrain.
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Post by Northy on Nov 5, 2017 9:05:04 GMT
A man once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously every morning, and lived to be 93. When he died, he left 6 children, 11 grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Nov 5, 2017 19:57:41 GMT
This appeared in my Christmas Whizzer and Chips album in about 1972. (ish).
When do you get China on the radio?.
A) When there's a nip in the air.
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Post by Bick on Nov 6, 2017 7:19:15 GMT
How do you impersonate Victor Meldrew?
a) don't
b) leave it
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Post by Northy on Nov 6, 2017 19:18:30 GMT
An Admiral boarded an airplane at Brize Norton with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a Admiral, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in Gibraltar, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the Admiral who gave me the crabs in Brize Norton please raise your hand?” Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them. Two lessons here: 1. Admirals aren’t as smart as they think they are. 2. Not all blondes are dumb
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Post by Staying up for Grandadstokey on Nov 6, 2017 19:41:56 GMT
Went to a zoo on Dartmoor, there was just one dog in it........It was a shih tzu.
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Post by StatesideStokie on Nov 7, 2017 0:46:10 GMT
What's the difference between a chick pea and a kidney bean?
You wouldn't let a kidney bean on your face for twenty quid.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2017 3:24:57 GMT
Stone Town firework display was so spectacular the other night ISIS have claimed responsibility for it.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2017 3:46:21 GMT
Who needs a wife anyway. Surely it can't be that difficult to boil a toast.
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Post by Bagwash on Nov 8, 2017 16:17:38 GMT
What do you call a man wearing two raincoats?
Max.
What do you call a man wearing two raincoats in a cemetery?
Max Bygraves.
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Post by Northy on Nov 8, 2017 17:03:02 GMT
A foreigner was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” said the foreigner. “That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.” So the foreigner goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1966 FA Cup Final?” “Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man. “Who did they beat?” “Leeds,” was the reply. “And the score?” “2-1.” “Who scored the winning goal?” “Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply. The foreigner was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he returned. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the foreigner decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting “How”.
The Memory man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box!!
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Post by Northy on Nov 8, 2017 17:07:55 GMT
Thor and Zeus, are looking down from the Gods towards earth and Thor says " I would love to spend a night down there". Zeus exclaims, " Why, when you have it all up here". Thor replies " Well if given the chance, I would spend my time with a woman and do what a man and woman should be doing, wink wink" Zeus says " Ok then I owe you a favour, I will let you go down for a night, as long as you come back by first light and do not tell anyone your name while you are down there". Thor agrees, so Zeus uses his powers of the gods and gets Thor down to earth. On earth, Thor bumps into a woman in a bar. He gets chatting and one thing leads to another and they go back to hers. Several hours later, just as the cock is crowing and the sunlight is rising, Thor makes his excuses and leaves. He goes back to the Gods, where Zeus is waiting for him. "Go on then, spill the beans" says Zeus. Thor says " Well I met this Lady and we went back to hers and it was amazing. We made love 25 times". Zeus, nearly choked on his coffee, " how many times" " 25 " replied Thor. "You said I had to be back by dawn" Zeus said " poor woman, she'll not know what has hit her. The average human will only do it a few times in a night, you had better go back down to apologise and explain" This Thor did immediately. He approached her and said " Madame, I must apologise, for I am Thor".
The lady said " You're Thor, My fanny is fucking killing me".
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Post by Northy on Nov 8, 2017 17:45:33 GMT
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?” Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!” Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion.. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion. The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!” Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says........ "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!”
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Post by Bick on Nov 9, 2017 7:06:48 GMT
If you say "gullible" really slowly, it actually sounds like 'lemons'.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 9, 2017 7:20:33 GMT
There’s going to be a butter shortage this Christmas. It’s likely to spread.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 9, 2017 7:25:06 GMT
What do you call a man wearing two raincoats? Max. What do you call a man wearing two raincoats in a cemetery? Max Bygraves. What do you call a man with a wooden head?.......Edward What do you call a man with two wooden heads?.........Edward Wood What do you call a man with three wooden heads?........Edward Woodward
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Post by Squeekster on Nov 9, 2017 9:35:28 GMT
What do you call a man this a shovel in his head? Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel in his head? Douglas.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 9, 2017 10:31:04 GMT
What do you call a man floating on the sea? Cliff. Oh no sorry wrong bloke.
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Post by Northy on Nov 10, 2017 9:43:52 GMT
Little boy goes to school and draws a picture of a penis on the blackboard, Female teacher comes into class sees the picture and rubs it off, Next day little boy comes in and draws an even bigger penis, Teacher gets angry and rubs it out again, the next day the kid comes in and draws and even bigger penis and writes:- Remember, the more you rub it the bigger it gets.!!!!!!!
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Post by Northy on Nov 10, 2017 9:48:19 GMT
Was chatting to a colleague and mentioned that yesterday my best friend Jim ran off with my wife. He says, since when has Jim been your best friend ?
Since yesterday
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2017 11:04:08 GMT
Little johnny is siitting in class when the teacher asks "does any of you children know what euthanasia is?" little johnny is the only one with his hand up so the teacher reluctantly asks him "ok johnny what do you know about euthanasia." little johnny replys "Gary Glitter fucks them miss."
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Post by Northy on Nov 10, 2017 11:32:26 GMT
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husbandreached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something Ihave to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I'vebeen unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but alwaysfor a good reason. Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I neversuspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?' " Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker andthe next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?” Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive youfor that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?" Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn'thave the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge." "I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so ofcourse I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time." "All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 30 more votes?”
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Post by auntiegeorge on Nov 10, 2017 13:26:33 GMT
I can't claim any credit for this and it's not a joke as such...but it's funny.
This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a British Naval Ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-03-02:
Irish: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
British: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
Irish: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
British: This is the captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Irish: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.
British: This is the aircraft carrier HMS Invincible. The second largest ship in the British atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, two missile cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course, 15 degrees north, I say again, that is 15 degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Irish: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
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Post by Northy on Nov 10, 2017 13:55:21 GMT
I can't claim any credit for this and it's not a joke as such...but it's funny. This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a British Naval Ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-03-02: Irish: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision. British: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision. Irish: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. British: This is the captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert your course. Irish: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course. British: This is the aircraft carrier HMS Invincible. The second largest ship in the British atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, two missile cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course, 15 degrees north, I say again, that is 15 degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. Irish: We are a lighthouse. Your call. the real conversation
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Post by felonious on Nov 10, 2017 20:02:15 GMT
My daughter once asked me why my socks had 'L' and 'R' written in them.
I told her that it was for 'Left' and 'Right'.
She then said 'Oh, that must be why my knickers have a C and A on them'.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Nov 10, 2017 20:41:29 GMT
What do you call a man wearing two raincoats? Max. What do you call a man wearing two raincoats in a cemetery? Max Bygraves. What do you call a man with a wooden head?.......Edward What do you call a man with two wooden heads?.........Edward Wood What do you call a man with three wooden heads?........Edward Woodward Say out loud the name Edward Woodward without the letters D and see what it sounds like. Not a joke but moderately humerous.
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