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Post by Cast no shadow on Nov 27, 2017 2:40:32 GMT
I offered my nan £5 for a go on her stair lift. I thinks she’s going to take me up on it.
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Post by mtrstudent on Nov 27, 2017 4:10:22 GMT
What's the difference between French toast and French people?
You can make soldiers out of French toast.
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Post by Northy on Nov 27, 2017 9:05:40 GMT
TEACHER: Johnny , why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor? JOHNNY: You told me to do it without using tables.
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Post by Northy on Nov 27, 2017 14:19:27 GMT
Frank and Fiona were making passionate love in Frank's van when suddenly Fiona, who was a bit on the kinky side,and had just read "50 shades of grey", yells out, "Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!" Frank, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy. About a week later Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?" Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even had sex with Frank, let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits, "Yes I did." Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims: "I thought so because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
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Post by pretzel on Nov 27, 2017 20:36:00 GMT
My mate Dave reckons he's so toned, he can clench his buttocks around the wheel nuts of his car and tighten them.
I reckon he's torqueing through his arse.
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Post by 828492 on Nov 28, 2017 20:14:48 GMT
Why do French people only ever have one egg for breakfast?
Because for French people one egg is un oeuf.
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Post by lordb on Nov 30, 2017 22:24:03 GMT
I hate astronauts... because they look down on everyone.
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Post by essexstokey on Nov 30, 2017 22:43:52 GMT
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Post by Cast no shadow on Dec 1, 2017 6:22:27 GMT
My lady isn’t happy with me this frosty morning, she just told me she’s going out scrape the car. “Against what” was not the right reply.
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Post by Cast no shadow on Dec 1, 2017 19:52:40 GMT
After years of teasing my girlfriend about her anorexia, she finally snapped.
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Post by pearo on Dec 1, 2017 20:05:11 GMT
Teacher.... Can anyone give my a sentence with the word contagious in it?
Little Jimmy ...... Our next door neighbour has just had two tons of top soil delivered and my dad says it will take that contagious to move it
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Post by davethebass on Dec 2, 2017 7:49:27 GMT
If life gives you melons, consider you might be dyslexic.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2017 12:06:37 GMT
Snow White is pregnant
They weren't all Dopey
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Post by FbrgVaStkFan on Dec 2, 2017 20:48:08 GMT
Heard this one years and years ago:
Termite walks into a bar and asks "Where's the bartender?"
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2017 21:50:13 GMT
Norwegians car breaks down in Wales
Local farmer has a look under the bonnet for him.
"You've blown a seal" he says
"So what you've s*****d a sheep" comes the reply.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2017 22:09:57 GMT
How do you make a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven and cook it until it's Bill Withers
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Post by pearo on Dec 5, 2017 20:52:13 GMT
What does Speedy Gonzales put beneath his carpets?
Underlay underlay
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2017 21:50:37 GMT
Anyone can make a mistake said the Dalek to the dustbin
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Post by Staffsoatcake on Dec 5, 2017 23:47:14 GMT
Paddy to Mick,if you can guess how many chickens I have in this sack,you can have both of them.
Mick."3"
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Post by pretzel on Dec 6, 2017 21:23:26 GMT
I bought some Rohypnol the other day but I'm not sure when it has to be used by. On the packaging it says "Best before date" but there's no numbers anywhere
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Post by maxplonk on Dec 19, 2017 13:10:49 GMT
Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital?...... The ultrasound guy! Except when he's away.....then it's the hip replacement guy.
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Post by Staffsoatcake on Dec 19, 2017 13:51:23 GMT
Liitle girl."Mummy,I know Santa came in your room last night.
Mummy,"How do you know"?
Little girl."Because you still have some Spunk on your chin".
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Post by Bojan Mackey on Dec 19, 2017 18:19:30 GMT
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other side.
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Post by Billybigbollox on Dec 19, 2017 19:06:05 GMT
A parachutist stopped a football match when he landed in the centre circle. The ref booked him for descent.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2017 22:02:17 GMT
Bloke gets his head cut off on a building site Who is it asks the foreman We think it's paddy but we're not sure the lads tell him So the forman grabs the head by its hair and knocks on Mrs Paddys door Is this your husband he says Oh no hes much taller than that she says.
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Post by Northy on Dec 24, 2017 19:43:36 GMT
boom boom
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Post by Northy on Jan 8, 2018 7:16:30 GMT
"You never surprise me” a woman moaned one day to her long-suffering husband.
"Buy me a surprise for Christmas. Something that can accelerate from 0 to 100 in under 10 seconds, and I'd prefer a blue one," she hinted. Happy and excited she was counting down the days to Christmas. Finally she got the beautiful present her husband had thoughtfully chosen for her. He's dead now, but he died a legend.
Apparently a set of blue weighing scales wasn't what she wanted
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Post by Cast no shadow on Jan 8, 2018 7:26:40 GMT
I went to bed with a blind girl last night, and she said I had the biggest dick she'd ever laid her hands on
I said "You're pulling my leg"
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Post by Cast no shadow on Jan 8, 2018 15:01:37 GMT
Went to the sperm clinic earlier. The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?
I said 'I'm good but not ready for competition yet'
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Post by pretzel on Jan 9, 2018 15:01:10 GMT
Q. What's got four legs, one tail and one arm?
A. A happy pit bull
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