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Post by Bick on Oct 20, 2017 6:20:42 GMT
Every loves a joke that will guarantee you a sigh and and eye roll right?...
Daft/random jokes thread... Puns are extremely welcome...
I'll start:
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm actually not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived
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Post by Squeekster on Oct 20, 2017 6:31:41 GMT
I told my doctor I'd broken my arm in two places, he replied "don't go to them places then".
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Post by AdderleyGreenStokie on Oct 20, 2017 6:36:47 GMT
Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2017 11:05:26 GMT
Waiter do you have frogs legs?
Yes
Well hop over the counter and get me a drink then
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Post by muglump on Oct 20, 2017 11:09:06 GMT
Did you hear about the Irish cat that went out in the garden for a shit and buried itself?
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Post by Mendicant on Oct 20, 2017 12:39:02 GMT
Did you hear about the Irishman who went on The Generation Game and won a pair of curtains and a conveyor belt?
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Post by metalhead on Oct 20, 2017 12:42:28 GMT
Dirk Kuyt's first touch.
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Post by bringmesunshine on Oct 20, 2017 14:23:17 GMT
Port Vale.
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Post by Waggy on Oct 20, 2017 16:35:33 GMT
I got complimented on my driving today, i went to the shops and i when i came back there was a note on the windscreen that said ' parking fine'
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Post by Billybigbollox on Oct 20, 2017 18:23:51 GMT
I heard today that they are making a film about Harold Shipman. It’s going to be called The Old Dear Hunter.
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Post by mattintheprem on Oct 20, 2017 19:25:56 GMT
Horse walks into a bar
Barman says "Whats with the long face?"
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Post by kidcrewbob on Oct 20, 2017 20:31:57 GMT
Man goes the doctors and says "I can't stop singing the green green grass of home" - he said, ah you've got what we call Tom Jones syndrome - he said oh right - is it common? Doc says "it's not unusual"......
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Post by Staffsoatcake on Oct 20, 2017 22:03:34 GMT
Arrived late for work today.
The boss said"What time do you call this"?
I said"10-30"
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Post by Billybigbollox on Oct 20, 2017 22:11:47 GMT
Arrived late for work today. The boss said"What time do you call this"? I said"10-30" I thought mine was bad. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2017 5:42:30 GMT
Why don't the Catholic Church allow Female Priests..
Because you can't shove a clitoris up a choir boys arse....
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2017 5:43:58 GMT
Went to see a film about a T Bag.
It was rated PG.....
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2017 5:46:26 GMT
A distinguished four star general is visiting his troops stationed in Iraq. While taking a tour with his first sergeant of the facility he notices a lone camel near the edge of the base. He asks his sergeant, "Why is there a camel there?"
The sergeant answers, "Well, the men use that camel to have sex."
Disgusted, the general says, "Get rid of that camel immediately. I will not have my troops engaging in that kind of activity, it's disgraceful.”
The sergeant responds "Sir, we tried, three times, but the men keep bringing in new ones." He continues "Sir, they are out here 24 hours a day 7 days a week and there are no women on this base. They have to have sex. We can't control that. It's a morale issue."
The General says "Well take me over there so I can get a look a this camel" The first sergeant drives him over and the General jumps out of the jeep immediately. He tears off all his clothes and goes to town on the camel. Afterward he declares, "Well that's not too bad. I guess they can keep the camel"
The sergeant replies, "Yes sir, but normally the men just ride the camel over to the whorehouse."
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Post by chuffedstokie on Oct 21, 2017 5:48:15 GMT
I say I say I say, what goes up a drainpipe down but won't go down a drainpipe up....
An umbrella.
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Post by Bick on Oct 21, 2017 6:22:45 GMT
I said to the baker "All your cakes are 50p, why is that one £1?"
He said "That's Madeira cake".
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Post by lawrieleslie on Oct 21, 2017 7:47:05 GMT
I saw Diane Abbott cause a minor car accident in Plymouth yesterday. I went over to see if all was ok and a woman was remonstrating with the labour misfit. "What are doing driving like that. You haven’t got the brains of a Donkey" yelled the woman at Abbott. I stepped in and said "Yes she has".
Why did the baker have smelly hands....because he kneaded a poo.
A new young employee at the building site went up to the foreman and said "Hello Donkey what do you want me to do today?" The foreman growled at the young lad " Who told you to call me Donkey?" "Oh it was one of the bricklayers over there" replied the young lad. "Well heehaw, heehaw, heehaw to know better" came the reply.
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Post by Dingdangdoo on Oct 21, 2017 7:59:22 GMT
I've been reading a book on shipbuilding
It was riveting!
I had another book about gravity
Just couldn't put it down!
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Post by Bick on Oct 21, 2017 9:55:21 GMT
"Think the unthinkable." they said.
"Ok." replied the itheberg.
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Post by samba :) on Oct 21, 2017 10:03:38 GMT
Whats the consevative party's favourite shampoo?
Tresemmé
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Post by redstriper on Oct 21, 2017 10:27:17 GMT
what's white and slides across the floor ?
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cum dancing
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Post by Bick on Oct 21, 2017 10:47:18 GMT
Yesterday I bought the worlds worst thesaurus, and I have to say it's not only terrible, it's terrible.
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Post by pearo on Oct 21, 2017 13:08:58 GMT
Whats the consevative party's favourite shampoo? Tresemmé How much does a cockney pay for shampoo Pantenne |
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Post by pearo on Oct 21, 2017 13:10:43 GMT
Why did the banana go to the doctors?
He wasn’t peeling very well
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Post by Staffsoatcake on Oct 21, 2017 13:14:35 GMT
Man goes into the Barbers and asks how much a hair cut was.
"£10"the Barber said.
"How much for a shave"?
"£5"
"Then just shave my head"
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Post by Bick on Oct 22, 2017 11:56:37 GMT
Apparently North Korea have a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere...
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Post by pretzel on Oct 23, 2017 23:02:51 GMT
Q. What do vegetarians buy when they go to the Wrights pie shop?
A. Quornish pasties
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