|
|
Post by lawrieleslie on Aug 17, 2024 16:54:52 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by iancransonsknees on Aug 17, 2024 19:25:40 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by pretzel on Aug 19, 2024 8:00:14 GMT
I love the Colemanballs type quotes.. Here are a few more "That's the fastest time ever run - but its not as fast as the world record." David Coleman "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." Torrin Polk "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." Murray Walker "Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match." Ian Wright "Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious." Charles Shackleford "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." Greg Norman |
|
|
|
Post by marylandstoke on Aug 19, 2024 10:39:25 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by lawrieleslie on Aug 19, 2024 10:46:23 GMT
I love the Colemanballs type quotes.. Here are a few more "That's the fastest time ever run - but its not as fast as the world record." David Coleman "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." Torrin Polk "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." Murray Walker "Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match." Ian Wright "Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious." Charles Shackleford "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." Greg Norman "We will Christen Brooklyn but we’ve not yet decided into which religion" ….David Beckham |
|
|
|
Post by flea79 on Aug 19, 2024 12:21:27 GMT
I love the Colemanballs type quotes.. Here are a few more "That's the fastest time ever run - but its not as fast as the world record." David Coleman "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." Torrin Polk "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." Murray Walker "Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match." Ian Wright "Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious." Charles Shackleford "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." Greg Norman "We will Christen Brooklyn but we’ve not yet decided into which religion" ….David Beckham i still like the Bushisms “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”—Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 “Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”—Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000 “They misunderestimated me.”—Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000 or the king of the gaffe himself Prince Philip "Ghastly." Prince Philip's opinion of Stoke-on-Trent, as offered to the city's Labour MP Joan Walley at Buckingham Palace in 1997. "Deaf? If you're near there, no wonder you are deaf." Said to a group of deaf children standing near a Caribbean steel drum band in 2000. "People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still drying out Windsor Castle." To survivors of the Lockerbie Pan-Am disaster in 1993. "Do you still throw spears at each other?" Prince Philip shocks Aboriginal leader William Brin at the Aboriginal Cultural Park in Queensland, 2002. |
|
|
|
Post by scfc1863 on Aug 19, 2024 13:29:38 GMT
Describe yourself in three words.
Lazy,
|
|
|
|
Post by innocentbystander on Aug 19, 2024 15:16:13 GMT
Describe yourself in three words. Lazy, Describe yourself in three words: Unable to follow simple instructions. |
|
|
|
Post by colderpotter on Aug 22, 2024 10:12:51 GMT
I have just been told we are looking to sign a striker from Vietnam. Time to get the Dong out then. OK I've got my cock out. What happens now? |
|
|
|
Post by steve66 on Aug 22, 2024 10:40:04 GMT
Scotsman, English man & Irish man try gain free admission to olympics, Scot finds a manhole cover, goes to entrance saying I’m a Scot doing the discuss, he’s admitted, English man finds piece of scaffolding, goes to entrance saying I’m English and doing pole vault and gains admission ,Irish man finds some barbed wire, goes to entrance and says I’m Irish and I’m doing fencing……
|
|
|
|
Post by steve66 on Aug 22, 2024 10:48:53 GMT
I arrived home from holiday today & my daughter had brought a Guinea pig & built a cage for it, when I was a kid I had a rabbit called elvis, after six months he died, he got caught in a trap….
|
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Aug 23, 2024 11:15:20 GMT
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!
|
|
|
|
Post by pretzel on Aug 23, 2024 20:17:23 GMT
Bloke on his way home from a party realises he's lost a small bag of Charlie he'd just bought from a guy there.
He retraces his steps to the local takeaway where he'd just bought himself a Beef Chow Mein.
Checking that nobody was listening he asks the Chinese feller behind the counter 'Have you seen my cocaine?'
The guy screw his face up, thinking hard, then says... No, not since he was in 'Zulu'
|
|
|
|
Post by jesusmcmuffin on Aug 23, 2024 20:33:53 GMT
Bloke on his way home from a party realises he's lost a small bag of Charlie he'd just bought from a guy there. He retraces his steps to the local takeaway where he'd just bought himself a Beef Chow Mein. Checking that nobody was listening he asks the Chinese feller behind the counter 'Have you seen my cocaine?' The guy screw his face up, thinking hard, then says... No, not since he was in 'Zulu' Terrible but excellent 😁 |
|
|
|
Post by maxplonk on Aug 24, 2024 7:12:05 GMT
I found a 20 quid note on the ground just outside a church. I thought to myself: "What would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine.
|
|
|
|
Post by jesusmcmuffin on Aug 24, 2024 7:56:18 GMT
I love the Colemanballs type quotes.. Here are a few more "That's the fastest time ever run - but its not as fast as the world record." David Coleman "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." Torrin Polk "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." Murray Walker "Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match." Ian Wright "Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious." Charles Shackleford "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." Greg Norman "We will Christen Brooklyn but we’ve not yet decided into which religion" ….David Beckham Can't you get christened into the C of E or say the Catholic church? |
|
|
|
Post by lordb on Aug 24, 2024 8:05:11 GMT
"We will Christen Brooklyn but we’ve not yet decided into which religion" ….David Beckham Can't you get christened into the C of E or say the Catholic church? Still the same religion |
|
|
|
Post by jesusmcmuffin on Aug 24, 2024 8:10:54 GMT
Can't you get christened into the C of E or say the Catholic church? Still the same religion Ah ok lways thought had different beliefs or something and Beckham had a point |
|
|
|
Post by pretzel on Aug 24, 2024 10:44:09 GMT
Talking of David Beckham... David phones his wife who is away on business.
David - Hi babe, it was really nice of you to buy me this jigsaw, but none of the pieces fit together
Victoria - Hi babes, nice to hear from you but I didn't buy you a jigsaw, where did you find it?
David - It was in the kitchen so I assumed it was for me not the kids
Victoria - What's the picture on the front of the box?
David - It's a picture of a big chicken
Victoria - (silence) .... David, would you please put all the cornflakes back in the box
|
|
|
|
Post by maxplonk on Aug 27, 2024 9:09:37 GMT
If a Tesla gets stolen, does it become an Edison?
|
|
|
|
Post by marylandstoke on Aug 27, 2024 16:23:47 GMT
If a Tesla gets stolen, does it become an Edison? Is that just as pretty as a joke gets. Awesome.  |
|
|
|
Post by flea79 on Aug 28, 2024 17:46:33 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by scfc1863 on Sept 5, 2024 19:25:51 GMT
Husband “For the last twenty three years all you’ve done is correct me.”
Wife “Twenty four.”
|
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Sept 6, 2024 13:03:07 GMT
The defending barrister of his client who is charged with murder is summing up the case for the defence.
He decides as a final throw of the dice to use one of the oldest defendant's tricks in the book.
"And I put it to you, members of the jury, that not only did my client not murder the victim, that said victim will walk through that door in the next minute." The barrister points to a door behind him and all eyes of the jury turn and stare at the appointed door.
After a minute nothing has happened.
"So members of the jury, I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I must insist that you return a verdict of ‘not guilty.’”
The jury retire, return and find the defendant guilty of murder.
The barrister remonstrates with the jury, “But how could you do that?” bellowed the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door.”
The jury foreman replied, “Oh, we looked, but your client didn’t.”
|
|
|
|
Post by wannabee on Sept 6, 2024 14:06:24 GMT
Two young Ladies of the Night were discussing the general conditions of their profession over a glass of wine
Lady 1 asks Lady 2 if she had ever been picked up by The Fuzz
No replied Lady 2 but I've been swung around by my Tits a few times.
|
|
|
|
Post by lurcherman on Sept 6, 2024 19:31:08 GMT
The local church faith healer was welcoming his congregation.
He asked one man "how long have you been on crutches?"
"20 years" the man replied
The faith healer said "make your way on stage and go behind the curtains"
"What's wrong with you" he asks another guy, the man replied "I'fe goth a shpeech impediment"
"Make your way on stage and go behind the curtains" said the faith healer.
He then starting chanting " praise the lord, hallelujah the lord has healed you,
throw one of your crutches out"
A crutch comes out from behind the curtains Oooooooohhhhhh shout the congregation
"Now throw the other crutch out" the faith healer shouts "Hooraayyy" chant the congregation.
The faith healer then shouts "you with the speech impediment say something the lord has healed you"...
.........................................
..........................................
" heeth fell oafer"
|
|
|
|
Post by pretzel on Sept 8, 2024 21:08:52 GMT
The missus was moaning and asking why I'm still so addicted to 80's music
I said "That's just the way it is, some things will never change"
|
|
|
|
Post by flea79 on Sept 9, 2024 12:36:42 GMT
David Beckham walks into a barbers and fancies a fresh cut and he sits down and waits his turn
when its his turn he gets up the chair and the barber notices he has headphones on still and says David your going to have to take them off while i cut your hair pal
so David takes them off and passes them to the barber and instantly slumps over in his chair
the barber thinks thats odd, what was he listening too and puts the headphones on, all he could hear was a recording of victoria saying, breathe out, now breathe in!
|
|
|
|
Post by pretzel on Sept 12, 2024 11:51:50 GMT
Dog walkers...
Possibly the worst flavoured crisp ever
|
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Sept 13, 2024 8:31:57 GMT
An Amazon driver stopped and asked me what time is it?.
I told him it was between 9am and 3pm.
|
|
