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Post by atillathehoneybee on May 10, 2024 14:36:36 GMT
Lots of F1 drivers are named after Scottish places. Stirling Moss Lewis Hamilton Ayr Town centre. (Courtesy of Robert Wilkinson on Twitter) 3 fish that start and finish with the letter K Killer Shark. Kwik Save Frozen Haddock. Kilmarnock. |
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Post by thehartshillbadger on May 10, 2024 14:40:01 GMT
A family of three booked a flight to Kansas They arrived at the airport several hours early. As he was only four years old and this was his first experience with this sort of thing, the son was constantly wandering off. Several times, the father had to chase him down, pick him up, and haul him back to their seats at the flight gate. After a while, he grew tired of this and told the child, "If you wander off again, I'm going to check you in with the rest of the luggage." Sure enough, wander off is exactly what the child did. So this time the father picked him up and carried him over to the gate attendant. "Sir, I don't think I can allow you to check in your own child as hold luggage" they told him. The father frowned at this, then asked, "What you are saying is I'll have to carry on my wayward son?" I've read this 20 times....None the wiser? It’s a song by Kansas. But a terrible joke😉 |
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Post by jesusmcmuffin on May 10, 2024 14:42:33 GMT
A family of three booked a flight to Kansas They arrived at the airport several hours early. As he was only four years old and this was his first experience with this sort of thing, the son was constantly wandering off. Several times, the father had to chase him down, pick him up, and haul him back to their seats at the flight gate. After a while, he grew tired of this and told the child, "If you wander off again, I'm going to check you in with the rest of the luggage." Sure enough, wander off is exactly what the child did. So this time the father picked him up and carried him over to the gate attendant. "Sir, I don't think I can allow you to check in your own child as hold luggage" they told him. The father frowned at this, then asked, "What you are saying is I'll have to carry on my wayward son?" I've read this 20 times....None the wiser? Am with you on that one Am still struggling with the Nun and the soap gag |
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Post by claytonscrubs on May 10, 2024 18:57:22 GMT
Cliff Richard was in China when a fan came running up to him, shouting, “Criff! Criff! I’m ur biggest fan! Me ruv ur songs. My favourite is Ichy Sore Fanny.” Cliff is a bit shocked and says he has never sung such a song. “Yes you have Criff. It goes Ichy sore fanny how we don’t talk anymore”
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Post by lawrieleslie on May 10, 2024 19:32:57 GMT
Still on the subject of racist Chinese jokes. A 30 something lady goes to her doctor and says that she is depressed because she has never had a boyfriend. The doctor said that he would refer her to a Dr Ho Chi Wan who was an expert in such things. So off she went to see Dr Wan and the first thing he asked was for her to strip naked and crawl across the surgery, first frontwards then backwards as he observed closely. "Ah I see pwobwem" he exclaims. "You have Ed Zackery disease". The lady asked "what’s that mean?" "Oh don’t wowwy because it’s incuwable" replied Dr Wan……."your face is Ed Zackery same as your arse and you never get boyfwend."
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Post by Clayton Wood on May 11, 2024 7:36:38 GMT
A family of three booked a flight to Kansas They arrived at the airport several hours early. As he was only four years old and this was his first experience with this sort of thing, the son was constantly wandering off. Several times, the father had to chase him down, pick him up, and haul him back to their seats at the flight gate. After a while, he grew tired of this and told the child, "If you wander off again, I'm going to check you in with the rest of the luggage." Sure enough, wander off is exactly what the child did. So this time the father picked him up and carried him over to the gate attendant. "Sir, I don't think I can allow you to check in your own child as hold luggage" they told him. The father frowned at this, then asked, "What you are saying is I'll have to carry on my wayward son?" I've read this 20 times....None the wiser? Sorry, need to be of a certain age, like Badge...  |
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Post by thehartshillbadger on May 11, 2024 7:53:38 GMT
I've read this 20 times....None the wiser? Sorry, need to be of a certain age, like Badge... Not old just knowledgeable 😉 |
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Post by Clayton Wood on May 13, 2024 7:50:33 GMT
Just deleted all my German contacts from my mobile.
It's Hans free now.
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Post by Clayton Wood on May 17, 2024 12:47:29 GMT
Currys have announced they are doing deals on selected electrical appliances for Pride month.
First up is an LG TV promotion.
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Post by scfc1863 on May 19, 2024 14:11:10 GMT
Devastating news, after many years of captaining our local Scrabble team to numerous awards, the committee have decided to drop me from the team.....
I'm lost for words.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on May 26, 2024 20:00:38 GMT
What did the duck say after she bought chapstick?
Put it on my bill!
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jun 11, 2024 7:22:24 GMT
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jun 11, 2024 7:36:39 GMT
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jun 11, 2024 12:41:59 GMT
A man is on trial for burglary in northern Lapland.
The prosecution opens up the questioning: Where were you on the night of October to March?
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Post by hamsta2 on Jun 11, 2024 12:48:32 GMT
Sorry, need to be of a certain age, like Badge... Not old just knowledgeable 😉 I’ve got Kansas albums |
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Post by 828492 on Jun 11, 2024 19:14:38 GMT
Not old just knowledgeable 😉 I’ve got Kansas albums Try to get an appointment with your doctor. Don’t feel embarrassed about it. A little Cream should sort it out. |
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Post by teenagefanclub on Jun 11, 2024 21:08:01 GMT
Benefits of fingering a gypsy on her period?
You might get your palm red
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Post by hamsta2 on Jun 11, 2024 23:39:13 GMT
Try to get an appointment with your doctor. Don’t feel embarrassed about it. A little Cream should sort it out. Not a fan to be honest. Clapton v over rated and a bit of a knob. |
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Post by flea79 on Jun 12, 2024 13:18:55 GMT
I just drank my laxative with holy water, im about to start a religious movement
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Post by steve66 on Jun 19, 2024 19:53:30 GMT
Man goes doctors & says doctor I think I’m a moth, doctor says you need the psychiatrist five doors down, man says “ I was on my way there when I saw your light on”….
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Post by steve66 on Jun 26, 2024 20:05:39 GMT
Penguin goes into a pub & asks landlord if he’s seen his dad, landlord replies “what’s he look like”……..
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Post by telfordstoke on Jun 26, 2024 20:58:43 GMT
For those who don't want Alexa listening in on your conversations. They’re making a male version... it doesn't listen to anything
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Post by 828492 on Jun 28, 2024 16:26:34 GMT
Breaking news; Cross-eyed circumsiser gets the sack…
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Post by Kpsje on Jun 28, 2024 19:38:27 GMT
all together now, “he’s behind you”
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Jun 28, 2024 21:20:13 GMT
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
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Post by alsagerstokie on Jun 29, 2024 18:07:17 GMT
What do you call a woman juggling a pint of ale on her head whilst playing snooker?
Beatrix Potter.
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Post by scfc1863 on Jun 30, 2024 13:11:31 GMT
Some nice news to raise the current malaise surrounding the England team.
I believe that Declan Rice's partner has given birth to a baby daughter, how delightful.
Apparently, they're going to call her Jasmine.
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Post by marylandstoke on Jul 1, 2024 23:49:13 GMT
Some nice news to raise the current malaise surrounding the England team. I believe that Declan Rice's partner has given birth to a baby daughter, how delightful. Apparently, they're going to call her Jasmine. It’s her sister, Egfried, I feel sorry for.  |
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Post by innocentbystander on Jul 2, 2024 7:56:14 GMT
Some nice news to raise the current malaise surrounding the England team. I believe that Declan Rice's partner has given birth to a baby daughter, how delightful. Apparently, they're going to call her Jasmine. It’s her sister, Egfried, I feel sorry for. I always feel sorry for Ed Balls's sister, Ophelia. |
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jul 3, 2024 6:45:10 GMT
To the lady in a bit of a hurry driving a BMW and pulling out of Saltash Waitrose carpark yesterday evening giving me a two fingered salute when I tooted her,…..I doubt that your Louis Vuitton handbag is still on your car roof love.
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