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Post by liathroid on Jul 3, 2024 12:43:37 GMT
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Post by pretzel on Jul 5, 2024 3:17:08 GMT
In election news...
On a night of heavy defeats across the country, the Conservative party have held on to the safe Tory seat of South Ruislip after it became apparent that their only viable opponent, Braxton Hicks wasn't actually labour.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jul 5, 2024 9:33:40 GMT
Man goes to his Doctor for his first prostate exam.
Doctor-"Remove your pants and bend over the table" as he proceeds to put on a rubber glove and lubes it up.
The Doctor inserts his finger and begins to probe.
Doctor- "You shouldn't feel any pain and don't mind the erection"
Patient- "Doctor I don't have an erection"
Doctor- "I wasn't talking about you"
Man goes to his Doctor for his first prostate exam.
Doctor-"Remove your pants and bend over the table" as he proceeds to put on a rubber glove and lubes it up.
The Doctor inserts his finger and begins to probe.
Patient- "Doctor, you might have removed your ring first"
Doctor- "That's not my ring, it's my wristwatch"
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Post by scfc1863 on Jul 15, 2024 16:44:05 GMT
The Spanish national anthem…. words fail me!
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Post by maxplonk on Jul 20, 2024 19:31:44 GMT
I keep having a dream that I'm riding a horse.
That's five nights on the trot now.
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Post by marylandstoke on Jul 20, 2024 21:58:52 GMT
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jul 26, 2024 10:31:17 GMT
Archie and Jock are sat in a Glasgow pub.
Archie: "Sorted oot mah weddin' for next week. Booked the kirk n minister, bought the rings, hired the hall and disco for the wee night do."
Jock: "Och, sounds great."
Archie: "Aye, even hired mah kilt."
Jock: "You'll be grand in the kilt. Whit's the tartan?"
Archie: "Be all in white ah expect."
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Post by Kpsje on Jul 27, 2024 12:19:02 GMT
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Jul 28, 2024 8:12:26 GMT
My dad used to say to me “pints, gallons, litres” - which, I think, speaks volumes.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jul 28, 2024 8:26:49 GMT
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Post by Clayton Wood on Aug 2, 2024 8:54:52 GMT
Just quit my job at the keyboard manufacturer.
The shift work was a pain.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Aug 4, 2024 12:12:51 GMT
I always wondered how my parents occupied their leisure time back in the day before the internet.
So I asked my 19 brothers & sisters, they don’t know either.
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Post by pearo on Aug 5, 2024 20:25:21 GMT
The next James Bond will be played by a transgender actor, and the film will be called Cocktopussy
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Post by pretzel on Aug 6, 2024 11:45:49 GMT
The next James Bond will be played by a transgender actor, and the film will be called Cocktopussy Can I put my name down to be considered for the role of Miss Funnyfanny  |
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Post by Staffsoatcake on Aug 6, 2024 12:32:53 GMT
Aeroplane which is going to crash,there are 3 passengers,an Irish man,Scotsmen &
Welshman with an English pilot,there are only 3 parachutes,The Scotsman takes one and jumps out,the Irishman then jumps out,the Welsh man says to the pilot who is having the last parachute?
The pilot says don't worry,the Irishman just jumped out with my backpack.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Aug 7, 2024 21:48:42 GMT
♫ When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, "What will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?" Here's what she said to me! ♫
"Son, we need to talk....
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Post by lawrieleslie on Aug 8, 2024 10:36:23 GMT
55 years ago the Apollo 11 mission landed on the moon.
May their names never be forgotten & live on forever: ………
Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and that other bloke.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Aug 8, 2024 10:52:48 GMT
I was so suspicious of my wife having an affair that we moved home from Somerset to Aberdeen………couldn’t believe our luck when we manage to keep the same window cleaner.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Aug 8, 2024 10:56:19 GMT
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Post by lawrieleslie on Aug 8, 2024 20:07:51 GMT
When my first girlfriend dumped me I was devastated. Grandma put her loving arm around my shoulder and said in a gentle voice "don’t worry son there’s plenty more fish in the sea". Thanks Grandma…….. Attachment Deleted |
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Post by chuffedstokie on Aug 8, 2024 20:12:51 GMT
My wife asked if she could have a bit of peace and quiet while she cooked dinner so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Aug 9, 2024 8:22:07 GMT
A local bar was so confident their barman was the strongest man in town. So they offered a standing £1,000 bet. The challenge was for the barman to squeeze a lemon until all the juice was in a glass, then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out just one more drop of juice would win the money. Over time, many had tried (weightlifters, labourers, etc.), but no one succeeded.
One day, a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit walked in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to take the bet." After the laughter subsided, the barman agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed it dry. He then handed the wrinkled remains to the little man. To everyone's astonishment, the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the barman paid him £1,000 and asked, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter or what?"
The man replied, "I work for HMRC."
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Post by chuffedstokie on Aug 13, 2024 20:24:44 GMT
Tried giving blood today...NEVER AGAIN!!!.
Too many stupid questions.
Who's blood is it?
Where did you get it from?
Why is it in a bucket?.
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Post by Goonie on Aug 14, 2024 20:23:34 GMT
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Post by Clayton Wood on Aug 16, 2024 18:16:23 GMT
I have just been told we are looking to sign a striker from Vietnam.
Time to get the Dong out then.
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Post by Kpsje on Aug 16, 2024 22:25:56 GMT
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Post by scfc1863 on Aug 16, 2024 22:55:31 GMT
Americans call it an elevator, I call it a lift....
It was the way I was raised.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Aug 17, 2024 6:35:19 GMT
I have just been told we are looking to sign a striker from Vietnam. Time to get the Dong out then. Dong is the Vietnamese unit of currency but don’t see the joke CW. |
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Post by pretzel on Aug 17, 2024 8:18:11 GMT
I have just been told we are looking to sign a striker from Vietnam. Time to get the Dong out then. Dong is the Vietnamese unit of currency but don’t see the joke CW.   |
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Post by lawrieleslie on Aug 17, 2024 9:15:14 GMT
Dong is the Vietnamese unit of currency but don’t see the joke CW. Ok I’ve got it…. Striker, dong of a bell. Not really funny but clever play on words.  |
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