|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Feb 22, 2019 9:09:21 GMT
A 75 year old man goes to the doctor for his checkup. The doctor pronounces him in good health and asks him if he has any concerns or problems.
The man replies, "The only thing Doc is I have to go pee a few times in the night. But that's OK because the Lord is with me and turns the light on and off when I'm done.
The doctor nods and smiles.
Later that afternoon the old mans phone rings and his wife answers. The Doc says "Everything's fine and there's nothing to worry about, but I'm a little concerned he thinks the Lord switches the bathroom light on when he goes for a pee at night."
"Oh, don't worry about that Doc, I know what that is. He's pissing in the fridge again."
|
|
|
|
Post by lawrieleslie on Feb 22, 2019 16:04:18 GMT
A man was fixing his car outside when his young son came up and asked "Dad what’s love juice?" The father thought carefully and quickly decided that he should tell him the truth and spent the next 20 minutes explaining all about the birds and the bees to his 6 year old. Finally his dad asked "why did you ask this son?". His son replied "They we’re talking about it on Television at Wimbledon."
|
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Feb 22, 2019 17:14:34 GMT
An ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police think he topped himself.
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2019 17:26:19 GMT
An ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police think he topped himself. I just spat my drink out !  |
|
|
|
Post by marylandstoke on Feb 22, 2019 19:01:32 GMT
An ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police think he topped himself. Awesome |
|
|
|
Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Feb 22, 2019 19:57:45 GMT
An ice cream man was found lying dead on the floor of his van with a flake rammed up is arse. Police think he might be the victim of a serial killer, as that's the 99th one this summer. I just made that one up, but it sounded funny in my head. |
|
|
|
Post by murphthesurf on Mar 1, 2019 12:38:36 GMT
POLICE DRUGS WARNING:
Clubbers in South Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes inside their mouths to inject Ecstasy directly.
This dangerous practice should be reported immediately. It is known as 'E by gum'.
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2019 13:05:25 GMT
A London solicitor representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Sir, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The solicitor said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she recently invested £5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of £15-20 million. I have to say having seen the pictures I think she could be right."
The art collector replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman ! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it ?"
The solicitor replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
|
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Mar 1, 2019 13:10:38 GMT
Been down to the doctors this morning and tried to explain my overwhelming addiction to Twitter. He was no help, he said he didn't follow me.
|
|
|
|
Post by murphthesurf on Mar 1, 2019 13:22:50 GMT
Guy goes to the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum.'
'How's that?'
'Oh, don't you start.'
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2019 13:31:34 GMT
A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Thanks mum," he exclaimed. "All For me?"
"No just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father."
|
|
|
|
Post by Goonie on Mar 1, 2019 17:06:26 GMT
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the bulb really must want to change
|
|
|
|
Post by pretzel on Mar 1, 2019 21:06:11 GMT
Paramedics in London were called out today to attend a man who had fainted at the top the London Eye.
An NHS spokesman gave reporters the news shortly afterwards that the man was coming around slowly.
|
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Mar 2, 2019 9:09:42 GMT
A man was seen to drop his Scrabble game box as he crossed the road this morning. Reporters were soon on the scene asking the locals what the word on the street was.
|
|
|
|
Post by pearo on Mar 2, 2019 9:27:18 GMT
I can remember when cosmetic surgery was a contencious issue, but nowadays you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow
|
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Mar 2, 2019 11:02:49 GMT
I bought the wife a present of a new fridge for our wedding anniversary. Can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
|
|
|
|
Post by unaduna on Mar 2, 2019 17:12:53 GMT
A woman gets home from work one evening and is talking to her husband about her day.
“I’ve been to see the Doctor today and he told me I’ve got the tits and arse of a 21 year old!” She says.
Her husband asks, “Well what did he say about your 60 year old cunt?”
“He never mentioned you!” She replies.
|
|
|
|
Post by 828492 on Mar 5, 2019 15:39:13 GMT
The Right Honourable Christopher Stephen Grayling M.P.
|
|
|
|
Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Mar 5, 2019 17:34:47 GMT
Typhoo, Tetley & P G Tips
Not my cup of tea.
|
|
|
|
Post by murphthesurf on Mar 5, 2019 19:50:31 GMT
I bought the wife a present of a new fridge for our wedding anniversary. Can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it. !  Harry posted that one on December 24th: 'Bought my daughter a fridge for Christmas, can't wait for her face to light up when she opens it.'
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2019 20:15:06 GMT
Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street.
The man stopped in mid-swing, bowed his head and closed his eyes and said a short prayer.
The other man truly inspired, wiped the tears from his eyes and cleared his throat, and said “wow that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.”
“Well”, the other man said “I was married to her for 35 years.”
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2019 20:20:27 GMT
Jerry was at a marriage seminar, and the leader of the seminar, a lady, was asking everybody how long they were married for. When it was Jerry’s turn he said that he had been married for almost 50 years.
“Wow” the leader gushed “that’s amazing, perhaps you can take a few minutes to share some insights with everybody, how you stay married to the same woman for so long.
“Well,” Jerry said after thinking for a few moments, “I try to treat her nice, buy her presents, take her on trips…………. and best of all, for our 25th anniversary I took her to the Bahamas.”
“Well that’s really beautiful, and a true inspiration for all of us” the lady said “maybe you can tell us what you are going to do for your 50th anniversary” she said with a smile
“Well” Jerry said “I’m thinking of going back to the Bahamas to pick her up.”
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2019 20:24:54 GMT
A man died and ended up in front of the pearly gates where St. Peter asked him, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a baseball bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”
“Wow that’s impressive -When did this happen?”
“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
|
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Mar 5, 2019 20:48:05 GMT
I bought the wife a present of a new fridge for our wedding anniversary. Can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it. ! Harry posted that one on December 24th: 'Bought my daughter a fridge for Christmas, can't wait for her face to light up when she opens it.'
Blimey, you can remember Christmas Eve! I'm struggling with this morning Anyway, be honest, I tell it better   |
|
|
|
Post by murphthesurf on Mar 5, 2019 21:47:37 GMT
Keep up, mate! Harry posted that one on December 24th: 'Bought my daughter a fridge for Christmas, can't wait for her face to light up when she opens it.'
Blimey, you can remember Christmas Eve! I'm struggling with this morning Anyway, be honest, I tell it better Nooooooooooo - it's just that it made me laugh at the time, so it stuck! |
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Mar 6, 2019 11:37:54 GMT
A man entered a restaurant and is shown to the only free table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. The waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive me mentioning it, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the gents. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other waiters, but I use the spoon."
|
|
|
|
Post by scottzbj on Mar 7, 2019 2:05:16 GMT
A guy in the street chucked milk, eggs and cheese at me. How dairy!
|
|
|
|
Post by scottzbj on Mar 7, 2019 2:06:46 GMT
Was at the cemetery the earlier and saw a man crouching by one of the graves. "Morning!" I say - "Nah, just having a shit" he replies.
|
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Mar 8, 2019 13:23:22 GMT
Three brothers have been running the family farm for years. After each days work they'd go down to the local pub for a pint. But it becomes obvious that the farm can't support all 3 for much longer and they decide to draw lots to decide who will move on and reduce the burden. The youngest brother loses and with a heavy heart moves out. He travels miles before finally finding a farm that will take him on.
After his first days work he goes into the local for a pint in the time honoured tradition. He orders 3 pints, sits down and takes a sip out of each in turn until has has downed all 3. The barman calls over and tells him that he can pull one at a time to save them going flat. The young farmer explains that it is in tribute to his 2 brothers who he sat with each night over a pint. This goes on for many weeks and becomes the norm for the farmer.
Then one night he goes in and only order 2 pints.
The barman as he is pulling the beer remarks, "I'm sorry for your loss."
"What?"
"I imagine you have lost a brother as you only ordered 2 pints?"
"Oh no. I've met a nice girl and we are getting married and I've promised her I'm off the beer for good. Of course, it doesn't apply to my 2 brothers though."
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2019 17:08:20 GMT
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?
|
|
Harry posted that one on December 24th:
