A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?
My mate Herbie just got a job as a trainee nurse at the Royal Stoke. I went in there yesterday and bumped into the sister in charge. I asked her how Herbie was doing and she said he was doing very well but he gets a bit confused sometimes. I said "What do you mean"? "Well", she said, "yesterday I told him to give a patient 2 injections at 4 o'clock. Instead he gave him 4 injections at 2 o'clock. And today I asked him to give a patient 3 pills at 6 o'clock and instead he gave him 6 pills at 3 o'clock". Then she went on to say "I'm a bit concerned at the moment". I said "Oh...why's that?" She said "I've just told him to go and prick a man's boil".
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Sympathising, Katie tells her grandmother that is heartwarming but two people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realising our advancing age, we worked out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply thrust on the ding and withdraw on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream van hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Uni, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"
The engineer replies, "In the region of £125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks holiday, 14 Bank Holidays, full medical and dental insurance, the company matching your retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, an Audi or BMW ?"
The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
One Tom didn't feel very well so he called his boss – Good morning, boss, unfortunately, I’m not coming to work today. I’m really sick. I've got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I’m not coming into work.”
The boss replies: – You know Tom; I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Bob calls: – Boss, I followed your advice, and I feel great! I’ll be at work soon. By the way, you've got a really nice house.”
A man walks into a pub and at the end of the bar is a 10 inch high piano player hammering out a tune on a miniature piano. "Where d'you get him from?" Asks the customer. "Oh, I found a bottle with a genie in it, and when I let him out he gave me a wish." Replied the barman. "Can I have a go?" "Sure." Said the barman handing over a glowing green bottle. The man pulls out the stopper and the genie pops out. "Your wish?" Asks the genie. "I'd like 10 million quid!" Replies the customer. Just then the door opens and as far as the eye can see is a trail of octopuses. "I think your genie is a bit hard of hearing. I asked for 10 million quid not a million squid." Complains the customer. "I know, you think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?"
Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on May 8, 2019 15:12:37 GMT
A bloke goes to the doctors because his cock has turned orange.
The doc says: "There must be an eternal cause for this. Do you spend any free time around chemicals?" Patient: "No, I don't go near them." Doc: "Hmmm, how about at home? Have you come into contact with any sort of dye?" Patient: "No, nothing like that." Doc: "How about at work?" Patient: "No, I'm unemployed." Doc: "Well what do you do with your time?" Patient: "Mostly just sit around eating Wotsits and wanking."