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Post by auntiegeorge on Mar 9, 2019 0:00:48 GMT
The ladies of a terribly posh WI assembled for a group photograph. The photographer came in with an old plate camera on a tripod and pulled the cover over his head.
Mrs Farquharson said to Mrs Ashley-Cooper "What's he doing now?"
Mrs Ashley-Cooper said "Well, he's going to focus, isn't he?"
Mrs Farquharson said "What? All of us?"
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Post by scfcwebby on Mar 9, 2019 0:46:40 GMT
Ireland has seen it's worst ever plane crash this evening as a 2 seater Cessna plane had crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have already recovered 436 bodies, and are expecting to find more throughout the night
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Mar 15, 2019 19:29:38 GMT
When do you kick a midget in the balls?
When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
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Post by Clayton Wood on Mar 15, 2019 21:47:45 GMT
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Sympathising, Katie tells her grandmother that is heartwarming but two people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realising our advancing age, we worked out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply thrust on the ding and withdraw on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream van hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
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Post by danceswithclams on Mar 15, 2019 23:32:34 GMT
Q:How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:Too.
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Post by pretzel on Mar 22, 2019 7:45:11 GMT
Woman on the phone to her mother in law - "Hey can you settle something for me? if a child poops it's pants, who's responsibility is it to change him, the mum or the dad"
Mother in law - "Ahhh that's always going to be the Mum's responsibility dear"
Woman - "Well in that case you'd better get here quick, because your son's just come home drunk and shit himself!"
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Post by danceswithclams on Mar 22, 2019 11:52:17 GMT
I told the doctor that my crossword puzzle obsession was making me depressed.
He told me not to get two down.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Mar 29, 2019 15:41:11 GMT
A child comes home from his first day at school.
His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to go back again tomorrow."
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Post by danceswithclams on Mar 29, 2019 23:26:23 GMT
Q: What do you call a former Serbian war criminal turned porn star?
A: Slobberdown Mycockyoubitch.
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Post by alsagerstokie on Apr 5, 2019 23:00:06 GMT
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
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Post by pretzel on Apr 30, 2019 13:23:04 GMT
When I was younger I could have quite easily told you what 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 were in Roman numerals but nowadays I just can't do it
IM LIVID
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Apr 30, 2019 14:01:55 GMT
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A Brick
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on May 1, 2019 13:46:10 GMT
Ralph comes home pissed one night, stumbles upstairs, slides into bed beside his sleeping wife and falls into a deep slumber.
He awoke standing at the pearly gates before st peter. "You died in your sleep ralph" st peter explains.
"What... no this can’t be!" Ralph cries "I've so much to live for... please send me back"
St peter explains that the only way Ralph is allowed back is in the form of a chicken.
Devastated but desperate to see his family again he asks to be sent to a small farm near his house.
Next thing ralph knows he's covered in feathers, clucking and pecking around in the dirt on a warm summers morning.
A rooster strolls past and says "so you're the new hen? Hows your first day?" Ralph the hen replies "it’s not bad really but I have this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, like I’m gonna explode"
"You're ovulating" explains the rooster "have you never laid an egg before?" "Never" says Ralph. "Just relax and let it happen, there’s nothing to be afraid of" the rooster says, reassuringly.
Ralph steadies himself and tries to relax and a few uncomfortable moments later out pops his first egg.
Ralph was Overcome with relief and emotion at the feeling of becoming a mother. He soon laid a second egg. He was overjoyed.
Just as he readied himself to lay his third egg he felt a sharp slap on the back of his head and heard his wife screaming "Ralph you dirty bastard wake up, you've shit the bed again!"
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Post by pearo on May 1, 2019 15:57:55 GMT
Q:How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb? A:Too. Or Free, or fore or even ate |
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Post by pretzel on May 2, 2019 8:54:17 GMT
My wealthy neighbour told me she wants to change her will and is going to leave everything to me.
I told the tight bitch to f*** off and hire a Solicitor.
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2019 11:46:19 GMT
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer, bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2019 11:47:37 GMT
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2019 11:51:55 GMT
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Uni, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"
The engineer replies, "In the region of £125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks holiday, 14 Bank Holidays, full medical and dental insurance, the company matching your retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, an Audi or BMW ?"
The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on May 2, 2019 17:56:13 GMT
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on May 2, 2019 18:01:12 GMT
5 out of 6 scientists agree that Russian roulette is safe.
I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki. I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair.
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Post by wagsastokie on May 3, 2019 6:50:37 GMT
A cannibal took my sister to the pictures to see a Russell Crowe film the other month
GLADIATOR?
No I really miss her
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Post by danceswithclams on May 3, 2019 15:32:41 GMT
The Mrs woke me up and stuck a spoon in my arsehole this morning.
I'm sick of her treating me like a mug.
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Post by pretzel on May 3, 2019 18:23:29 GMT
The Mrs woke me up and stuck a spoon in my arsehole this morning. I'm sick of her treating me like a mug. She sounds like a shit stirrer to me! |
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2019 18:47:31 GMT
One Tom didn't feel very well so he called his boss
– Good morning, boss, unfortunately, I’m not coming to work today. I’m really sick. I've got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I’m not coming into work.”
The boss replies:
– You know Tom; I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Bob calls:
– Boss, I followed your advice, and I feel great! I’ll be at work soon. By the way, you've got a really nice house.”
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Post by Robo10 on May 3, 2019 19:52:06 GMT
I've bought a new laptop, it sounds fucking amazing
Its A Dell
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Post by pretzel on May 4, 2019 0:30:48 GMT
The old lady next door had always dreamed of owning a limo so when she won 100 grand on the lottery she blew it all on a Rolls Royce.
Trouble was she couldn't drive and hadn't got any money left over to pay for the hire of a driver.
All that money but nothing to chauffeur it.
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Post by Clayton Wood on May 4, 2019 9:20:47 GMT
A man walks into a pub and at the end of the bar is a 10 inch high piano player hammering out a tune on a miniature piano.
"Where d'you get him from?" Asks the customer.
"Oh, I found a bottle with a genie in it, and when I let him out he gave me a wish." Replied the barman.
"Can I have a go?"
"Sure." Said the barman handing over a glowing green bottle.
The man pulls out the stopper and the genie pops out. "Your wish?" Asks the genie.
"I'd like 10 million quid!" Replies the customer.
Just then the door opens and as far as the eye can see is a trail of octopuses.
"I think your genie is a bit hard of hearing. I asked for 10 million quid not a million squid." Complains the customer.
"I know, you think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?"
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on May 8, 2019 15:12:37 GMT
A bloke goes to the doctors because his cock has turned orange.
The doc says: "There must be an eternal cause for this. Do you spend any free time around chemicals?"
Patient: "No, I don't go near them."
Doc: "Hmmm, how about at home? Have you come into contact with any sort of dye?"
Patient: "No, nothing like that."
Doc: "How about at work?"
Patient: "No, I'm unemployed."
Doc: "Well what do you do with your time?"
Patient: "Mostly just sit around eating Wotsits and wanking."
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Post by harryburrows on May 8, 2019 15:16:48 GMT
A bloke goes to the doctors because his cock has turned orange. The doc says: "There must be an eternal cause for this. Do you spend any free time around chemicals?" Patient: "No, I don't go near them." Doc: "Hmmm, how about at home? Have you come into contact with any sort of dye?" Patient: "No, nothing like that." Doc: "How about at work?" Patient: "No, I'm unemployed." Doc: "Well what do you do with your time?" Patient: "Mostly just sit around eating Wotsits and wanking." At last  |
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on May 8, 2019 15:17:01 GMT
I asked 100 girls what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower.
They all replied, "How did you get in here?"
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