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Post by foster on Nov 12, 2022 19:28:54 GMT
Glad not alone Repeated it to myself and makes less sense š Sing the song Sang the first part until 'won't you ride my sleigh tonight'. Not getting it.
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Post by foster on Nov 12, 2022 19:31:32 GMT
Sang the first part until 'won't you ride my sleigh tonight'. Not getting it. OK just checked lyrics. Not bad.
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Post by spiderpuss on Nov 12, 2022 20:18:07 GMT
Being even thicker than usual... I don't get itš Glad not alone Repeated it to myself and makes less sense š It's a song reference... 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer You'll go down in history' But make no bones about it thats as bad as Stoke's efforts today. -5 Pretzel, -5.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Nov 14, 2022 19:24:35 GMT
A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others whose boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, 'What's the food like here?' The lions say 'Absolutely brilliant lad. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees...
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Post by lordb on Nov 14, 2022 22:10:16 GMT
A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others whose boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, 'What's the food like here?' The lions say 'Absolutely brilliant lad. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees... Had a shit day Thats a stupid naff joke that's cheered me upš
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Nov 15, 2022 18:01:54 GMT
A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others whose boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, 'What's the food like here?' The lions say 'Absolutely brilliant lad. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees... Had a shit day Thats a stupid naff joke that's cheered me upš Itās an absolute belter!!š¤£
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Post by milton58 on Nov 15, 2022 18:44:48 GMT
A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others whose boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, 'What's the food like here?' The lions say 'Absolutely brilliant lad. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees... absolute pisser
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Post by chuffedstokie on Nov 16, 2022 16:42:06 GMT
My therapist told me, "write letters to the people you hate then burn them ". Did that but now I don't know what to do with the letters!.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Nov 16, 2022 19:43:19 GMT
The wife was trying to be sexy for me last night. When I came up the stairs, I found her lying naked on the bed, licking a lollipop.
Then she slipped it up her fanny...
I said, "Careful with that, love. You'll need it to help the children across the road tomorrow!"
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Post by chuffedstokie on Nov 24, 2022 3:42:49 GMT
Last night while watching television I said to the wife, "you know what, you're the absolute double of Jennifer Aniston". She gave me a cheeky grin and said "really"?. I said "yes sweetheart, she's 9 stone and you're 18". I truly appreciated everything the paramedics did last night. I'm in ward 15 and I'd like some visitors...
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Post by pretzel on Nov 24, 2022 19:29:01 GMT
A priest tells his friend the rabbi that he has found a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.
"I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2am, as they are clearing everything away, I just sit there until eventually a waiter comes over and asks me to pay.
I then say: 'But I've already paid your colleague who has left.' and because I'm a man of the cloth, they take my word for it."
The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."
So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.
The priest looks up and says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."
And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for our change!"
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jack1
Youth Player
Posts: 297
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Post by jack1 on Nov 24, 2022 21:01:36 GMT
What do you do if King Kong comes through your window ... Start swimming!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2022 22:53:51 GMT
What do you do if King Kong comes through your window ... Start swimming! This thread confuses me more every day š¤·. Edit...is ok someone explained it to.me. I thought was to do with a big window.
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Post by spiderpuss on Nov 24, 2022 23:49:58 GMT
What do you do if King Kong comes through your window ... Start swimming! This thread confuses me more every day š¤·. Edit...is ok someone explained it to.me. I thought was to do with a big window. Enter smut mode might help.... although it does have a hint of Pretzel that joke.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2022 0:01:45 GMT
This thread confuses me more every day š¤·. Edit...is ok someone explained it to.me. I thought was to do with a big window. Enter smut mode might help.... although it does have a hint of Pretzel that joke. I was trying to see what swimming and a large window King Kong could fit through was do with water coming in . Perhaps was a window on a seafront property
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Post by marylandstoke on Nov 25, 2022 10:13:38 GMT
This thread confuses me more every day š¤·. Edit...is ok someone explained it to.me. I thought was to do with a big window. Enter smut mode might help.... although it does have a hint of Pretzel that joke. Ohhhh.
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Post by dutchstokie on Nov 25, 2022 10:32:00 GMT
The wife was trying to be sexy for me last night. When I came up the stairs, I found her lying naked on the bed, licking a lollipop. Then she slipped it up her fanny... I said, "Careful with that, love. You'll need it to help the children across the road tomorrow!" Youre wasted on here ! Get yourself an agent !
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Post by steve66 on Nov 25, 2022 13:07:17 GMT
A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.
The man: āWho would ever miss the World Cup final?ā
The guy: āThat was my wifeās seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.ā
The man: āThatās terrible, but couldnāt you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?ā
The guy: āNoā¦they are all at the funeral!ā
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Nov 30, 2022 17:06:11 GMT
Paddy says āMick, Iām thinking of buying a Labrador....ā"f*ck thatā says Mickā have you seen how many of their owners go blindā
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Nov 30, 2022 17:07:38 GMT
A horse is in the pub having a few when he spots a donkey in the corner. He nips over to have a natter and the donkey asks, "What did you do for a living?" The horse says, " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", The donkey says, "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach" and then he asks, "Did you win anything?" The horse says, "Yeah, on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cupā, They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later and the donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything" , So he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, The horse arrives and says, "Lovely place you have here. And who's that in the picture on the wall?", The donkey replies, "That's me, when I played for Juventus!"
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Post by pretzel on Nov 30, 2022 20:33:46 GMT
We were in the garden at the weekend when we spotted that next doors cat had shit in our flower bed. The missus was furious...."Get the shovel and throw it over the fence" she said. I don't see what that solved to be honest. We've still got cat shit in the flower bed and the neighbour's now got our shovel
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Post by lawrieleslie on Dec 2, 2022 16:13:46 GMT
The new national flag of Japanā¦ā¦.
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Post by pretzel on Dec 8, 2022 19:03:34 GMT
Toyah Wilcox has just named the new manager of the Chinese restaurant that she has bought as an investment
It's a Mr Wei
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Post by maxplonk on Dec 8, 2022 21:12:13 GMT
Poop jokes aren't my favorite: But they're a solid number two.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Dec 19, 2022 18:42:43 GMT
This morning I met a man carrying a door handle. I asked him why he had it? He said, "It gets me out of the houseā
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Post by lawrieleslie on Dec 20, 2022 8:18:50 GMT
Woman goes to the doctor with an itchy bum. He takes a look and says "youāve got lettuce growing out of your anus ." "Is that bad?"Asks the woman. "Yes Iām afraid itās the tip of the iceberg" replied the doctor.
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Post by marylandstoke on Dec 20, 2022 13:25:36 GMT
My Doctor prescribed me a suppository and he called yesterday to find out how I was getting on.
I told him for all the good it was doing I may as well have stuck it up my arse.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Dec 21, 2022 19:14:37 GMT
For our silver wedding anniversary I got a map of the world gave my wife a dart and said we'd go wherever the dart landed. I'm happy to announce that in August we're going to spend a lovely two weeks by the fucking skirting board.
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Dec 21, 2022 19:25:39 GMT
For our silver wedding anniversary I got a map of the world gave my wife a dart and said we'd go wherever the dart landed. I'm happy to announce that in August we're going to spend a lovely two weeks by the fucking skirting board. Funny, my mrs at the time used to hate the fact we had a dart board on the wall for months sheād moan about it, especially when I was back on the bristle during Covid. One day she came in from a particularly stressful day at work and said āok just let me throw one dart and imagine the board is my bossā. She promptly hurled one straight into the radiator and a little jet of steaming hot water fired out! Not a joke but a story that still amuses me to this day
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Post by 4372 on Dec 23, 2022 16:16:26 GMT
The manager of John O'Groats FC resigned yesterday, following a heavy defeat at Lands End. He reckoned he had taken the club as far as he could.
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