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Post by telfordstoke on Sept 24, 2022 15:39:21 GMT
Stolen from Nic Jones on Twitter:
Apparently, there's a patron saint of security cameras.
It's St Francis of a CCTV
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Post by pretzel on Oct 1, 2022 20:38:41 GMT
We've been trying to teach my 4 year old grandson to speak Spanish all year and he still can't say the word please... which I think is poor for four.
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Post by marylandstoke on Oct 6, 2022 13:49:46 GMT
Was stuck on the crossword today looking for another word for hypothesis.
In the end I just took a guess.
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Post by marylandstoke on Oct 11, 2022 16:43:51 GMT
Was stuck again today.
Said to MrsMd.. what’s another word for postman?
She said How many letters
I said probably hundreds?
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Oct 13, 2022 15:46:05 GMT
My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out throw all my clothes out of the window take my TV, iPhone, iPad and my laptop and give it to my brother. Take all of my jewellery to the salvation army or Cash Converters. Sell my car, take my front door key off me, throw me out into the street and disown me. Oh and don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my sister".
Well, she didn't put it quite like that, what she actually said was:
"Dad this is my new boyfriend Stevie and he's a massive Vale fan.”
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Post by pretzel on Oct 13, 2022 18:04:54 GMT
The missus kept nagging me to take her down to Hanford recycling centre to drop a pile of her old clothes in the clothes bank
I said 'Why bother, it'd be a lot easier to just put them in the bin'
She scowled at me and said 'but there's lots of starving people who could really use these clothes'
I replied 'Come on love... anyone who fits into your clothes is definitely NOT starving.
The doctor said that the swelling around my testicles should start to go down in a week or so.
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Post by marylandstoke on Oct 13, 2022 23:14:42 GMT
Be careful the the choices you make.
The Black Eyed Peas may sing us a song.
But Chickpeas will always hum us one.
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Post by telfordstoke on Oct 14, 2022 19:14:07 GMT
Apparently Kwasi Kwarteng had trouble getting a seat on the plane cos nobody wanted him anywhere near business or economy
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Post by Paul Spencer on Oct 15, 2022 11:47:39 GMT
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Post by chuffedstokie on Oct 21, 2022 12:23:05 GMT
If anybody's got any ideas how to fix my terrible condensation problem please pop round the kettle's always on.
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Post by 828492 on Oct 22, 2022 19:32:25 GMT
What is white and glides elegantly across the floor?
Come Dancing.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Oct 24, 2022 11:09:33 GMT
*BREAKING NEWS* The Liverpool manager has resigned and is taking his family back to Germany.
The Klopps go back this weekend.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Oct 24, 2022 17:34:50 GMT
I was driving home yesterday when I came up to one of those half barrier level crossings,the lights were flashing and the barriers were on there way down so I pulled up sharply. Suddenly this car full of Utd fans pulled out and tried to beat the barriers, they got half way across when a large fully laden goods train hit them, the car disintegrated and all it’s occupants were killed instantly. I sat there open-mouthed thinking “Jesus that could have been me” So, this morning I’ve sent off my train drivers application form to network rail
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Oct 24, 2022 17:39:09 GMT
I was driving home yesterday when I came up to one of those half barrier level crossings,the lights were flashing and the barriers were on there way down so I pulled up sharply. Suddenly this car full of Utd fans pulled out and tried to beat the barriers, they got half way across when a large fully laden goods train hit them, the car disintegrated and all it’s occupants were killed instantly. I sat there open-mouthed thinking “Jesus that could have been me” So, this morning I’ve sent off my train drivers application form to network rail Bit dark but highly amusing! I like👍🏻
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Post by scfc1863 on Oct 29, 2022 11:11:42 GMT
During these times of soaring prices I decided to have a go at home baking, starting with a bread recipe.
So I followed the instructions.
Step 1. Turn oven to 180 degrees.
Brilliant..... now I can't open the door.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Nov 8, 2022 19:40:22 GMT
For Sale:
Framed picture of John Lennon's wife.
£100 ono
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Nov 8, 2022 19:42:26 GMT
I had eczema, diarrhea and hemorrhoids over the weekend... My best game of Scrabble ever!
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Nov 8, 2022 19:45:23 GMT
My wife accused me of achieving nothing so I told her, 'Well I won the Leslie Nielson award at school.
'What's that?', she said.
'It's a big building with kids in it, but that’s not important right now.’
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Post by chuffedstokie on Nov 9, 2022 19:37:28 GMT
Robbie Knievel is performing a daring stunt in London this weekend. He'll be attempting to jump over 100 activists using an Aveling and Porter road roller built in 1903.
(nicked elsewhere)🙂
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Post by pretzel on Nov 9, 2022 20:19:57 GMT
Q. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A. An investigator
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Post by Seymour Beaver on Nov 9, 2022 20:51:15 GMT
Q. What's black and white and red all over?
A. A nun caught watching porn.
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Post by scfc1863 on Nov 11, 2022 16:16:21 GMT
Apparently diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in the jeans.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 11, 2022 16:43:17 GMT
So this lady enters Crufts with her little Chihuahua but is devastated when it only comes 2nd in class. After the event she goes tearfully to see the judge and find out what went wrong. "Oh your Chihuahua has too much facial hair. Next year get some hair removal cream a couple of weeks before Crufts and apply it daily and you should win". So next year just before Crufts she visits the chemist and asks for some hair removal cream. The chemist tells her "put the cream under your arm pit every day for a week but only wear loose blouse during treatment". She replies "oh it’s not for my arm pits it’s for my little Chihuahua". "In that case" replies the chemist, "don’t ride your bike during the treatment".
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Nov 11, 2022 17:56:19 GMT
I came out of the toilet, did up my zip and said, "I'd give it ten minutes." My wife said, "Urgh, have you done a smelly shit?" I said, "No, your sister's putting her knickers back on!"
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Post by Kpsje on Nov 11, 2022 22:31:22 GMT
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Post by pretzel on Nov 12, 2022 18:14:00 GMT
We used to have a girl in our class at school called Rudolph.
She didn't have a shiny nose but boy did we look forward to our history lessons.
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Post by lordb on Nov 12, 2022 18:43:49 GMT
We used to have a girl in our class at school called Rudolph. She didn't have a shiny nose but boy did we look forward to our history lessons. Being even thicker than usual... I don't get it😞
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2022 18:54:44 GMT
We used to have a girl in our class at school called Rudolph. She didn't have a shiny nose but boy did we look forward to our history lessons. Being even thicker than usual... I don't get it😞 Glad not alone Repeated it to myself and makes less sense 😁
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Post by teenagefanclub on Nov 12, 2022 19:21:04 GMT
Being even thicker than usual... I don't get it😞 Glad not alone Repeated it to myself and makes less sense 😁 Sing the song
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2022 19:24:39 GMT
Glad not alone Repeated it to myself and makes less sense 😁 Sing the song Had to Google the lyrics and after 3 reads it clicked 😁
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