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Post by telfordstoke on Aug 29, 2022 8:07:55 GMT
My neighbour has lent me her waterproof canvas sheets for my camping trip this Bank Holiday weekend.
Ta Pauline
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Aug 29, 2022 15:36:57 GMT
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months. The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, your brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
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Post by pretzel on Sept 1, 2022 18:51:10 GMT
My 5 year old grandson is up A&E tonight after drinking a bottle of invisible ink.
He's still waiting to be seen.
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Post by telfordstoke on Sept 2, 2022 7:38:28 GMT
I keep taking pics of myself beside a boiling kettle..
I think I may have selfie steam issues.
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Post by Rednwhitenblue on Sept 2, 2022 12:45:45 GMT
I see Princess Diana's old car sold for £650,000 recently.
Cheap. Prince Andrew's escort cost him £12 million.
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Post by 828492 on Sept 2, 2022 19:08:52 GMT
A young scotsman, in preparation for his forthcoming nuptials, goes in to the most prestigious gentleman’s tailors on Sauchiehall Street in Glasgow. ‘Excuse me,’ he says, ‘but do you have for hire one of those ceremonial kilts suitable for a groom to wear on his wedding day?’ ‘Indeed we do, sir. We have an extensive range of ceremonial kilts all made to the very highest standards and of the very best materials. What is the tartan?’ There was a short pause. ‘She will be in the traditional white, I think,’ he said.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 10, 2022 17:59:16 GMT
Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 10, 2022 18:00:24 GMT
A pear from Liverpool has become the first ever piece of fruit to pass it's driving test.
The problem is, he doesn't avocado.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 10, 2022 18:01:15 GMT
Went for a job at a blacksmith the other day. He asked me if I'd ever shoed a horse. I said 'No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."
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Post by 828492 on Sept 10, 2022 20:33:59 GMT
A young woman went for a job in a zoo. She was asked, ‘Have you even handled a parrot?’ She said, quite truthfully, ‘No, but I have sucked a cockatoo’.
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Post by telfordstoke on Sept 10, 2022 20:54:33 GMT
Don’t talk to me about stealing clothes from washing lines...
I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
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Post by pretzel on Sept 11, 2022 17:56:17 GMT
Driving past the bookies on my way home from work the other day, I spotted this notice in the window “Open Saturday 11-4”
Well I’m deffo having a tenner on that next time I'm in town
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Post by lawrieleslie on Sept 12, 2022 16:16:01 GMT
A young lad just left school applies for a sales assistants job at Wilkos. He gets the job and on his first morning the manager takes him aside a tells him that Wilkos sells everything from cleaning products to baby clothes and he must maximise every sales opportunity that he encounters. Mid morning a female customer asks the the young assistant where the tampons can be found. Enthusiastically the young lad takes her to the female hygiene section where she selects the item. As she goes to check out the young lad asks her if she is interested in buying a new grass mower. She asks him quizzically why she would want a new grass mower. Not for you the lad replies, for your husband…….he’ll have fuck all else to do at the weekend so he may as well cut the lawn.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2022 18:17:20 GMT
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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Post by maxplonk on Sept 12, 2022 19:23:52 GMT
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter. What's the difference between a trapeze and a policeman's trunction? One is used for cunning stunts, and the other for apprehending criminals. What's the difference between a girl in church and a girl in the bath? One has her soul full of hope and...
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 14, 2022 18:21:59 GMT
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 14, 2022 18:24:30 GMT
I was sitting in the pub doing a Crossword when I turned to my Scottish mate and said. "I'm stuck on one.
’Stranded On An Island’, eight letters."
"Marooned" He said.
”About fucking time" I replied. "I'll have a lager."
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Sept 14, 2022 18:37:00 GMT
I was sitting in the pub doing a Crossword when I turned to my Scottish mate and said. "I'm stuck on one. ’Stranded On An Island’, eight letters." "Marooned" He said. ”About fucking time" I replied. "I'll have a lager." You should have you’re own joke thread, they’re brilliant!
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Post by terryconroysmagic on Sept 14, 2022 19:05:35 GMT
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter. What's the difference between a trapeze and a policeman's trunction? One is used for cunning stunts, and the other for apprehending criminals. What's the difference between a girl in church and a girl in the bath? One has her soul full of hope and... Should that not be: what’s the difference between a stripper and a trapeze artist, one has a cunning stunt…
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Post by Clayton Wood on Sept 16, 2022 8:53:45 GMT
Just had my terrestrial globe back from the repairers after I'd accidently dropped it.
Glad it's back, it means the world to me.
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Post by Kpsje on Sept 16, 2022 11:17:09 GMT
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 16, 2022 14:36:47 GMT
Which Icelandic Singer was named after a city in England? Was it:
A. Norwich. B. York. C. Leeds.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Sept 17, 2022 4:28:16 GMT
Which Icelandic Singer was named after a city in England? Was it: A. Norwich. B. York. C. Leeds. Took a moment. 😁
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Post by lawrieleslie on Sept 17, 2022 6:27:54 GMT
Which Icelandic Singer was named after a city in England? Was it: A. Norwich. B. York. C. Leeds. Took a moment. 😁 Took me even longer searching for an explanation on Google.
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Post by marylandstoke on Sept 17, 2022 18:56:01 GMT
Which Icelandic Singer was named after a city in England? Was it: A. Norwich. B. York. C. Leeds. Took a moment. 😁 Took longer than that here. Tremendous. Like getting a really good cryptic crossword clue.
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Post by Paul Spencer on Sept 19, 2022 20:34:37 GMT
Which Icelandic Singer was named after a city in England? Was it: A. Norwich. B. York. C. Leeds.
Cleeds is fuckin' ace, I saw her at Glastonbury!
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Post by marylandstoke on Sept 20, 2022 15:19:57 GMT
Old Mr Johnston has decided to retire to Florida and hands his company over to his son in law.
Some weeks later, missing the bustle of the big apple he buys a New York Post. There, on page 5, full page, is a picture of Jesus, on the cross with the caption..
”They used Johnston nails”
The old man goes ballistic. Phones the son in law and says
You can’t market the product like that. No one will ever buy it.
No problem says the son-in-law. I’ll fix it.
Next week pops buys the Post and turns to page 5.
He sees a picture of an empty cross and Jesus, face down in the dirt.
Underneath is the caption..
”They didn’t use Johnston nails.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 21, 2022 16:45:35 GMT
A patient walks into A & E with two black eyes, broken teeth and blood pouring from his nose.
Doctor “ Oh my God how did this happen”
Patient “ Well I was banging my neighbour over her kitchen table, when we heard the front door open”
Doctor “ Then what happen ?”
Patient “ Well then she shouts “ it’s my husband ! Quick try the back door “
“Thinking back, I probably should have ran, but you don’t get an offer like that every day”
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Post by marylandstoke on Sept 22, 2022 19:02:07 GMT
God had let Adam rock round for a couple of days and then pays a visit.
Adam, says God, I can create you the most beautiful woman.
A creature so stunning that her beauty will dazzle all. A woman so skilled that she will create the finest meals. A talent, so prized, she will be able to brew fine ales and make great wines.
There is only one down side, it will cost you. It’s one little finger, an eye and your left testicle.
Adam thinks for a moment and says..
What can I get for a rib?
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Post by teenagefanclub on Sept 24, 2022 10:31:54 GMT
Stolen from Richard Osman…..
The guy laying our new stair flooring used to be a gymnast. I really hope he's going to nail the landing.
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