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Post by Clayton Wood on Aug 20, 2021 17:37:50 GMT
A little girl decides, as it's such a nice day, she'll take the dog for a walk. 'Mum can I take Daisy Dog for a walk?' 'No, she's in heat' 'What's in heat mum?' 'Go and ask your father, he's in the garage.' So off she goes. 'Dad, I want to take Daisy Dog for a walk but mum says she's in heat?' 'Hang on a min.'
He finds an old cloth, soaks it in petrol then wipes it over the dogs arse to disguise the scent. 'There you go. But only as far as the park and back and keep her on the lead, don't let her run free.'
Twenty minutes later she returns with the lead but no dog. "Where's the dog?' he asks. "She ran out of petrol half way back, but it's alright, another dog is giving her a push home.'
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Aug 22, 2021 18:23:29 GMT
A man with a stammer was today given six years in jail at the local crown court, although the judge said he is unlikely to finish his sentence.
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Post by Rednwhitenblue on Aug 24, 2021 10:52:25 GMT
"What do you do when you're falling asleep, Sean?" "Well, I move into the slow lane".
"Do you ever hear voices in your head, Sean?" "I do, quite often, actually...but I just ignore them and carry on killing".
RIP Sean Lock.
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Post by scfc1863 on Aug 24, 2021 15:35:10 GMT
A mate of mine told me he'd got a new job as a bus driver, so I asked him how it was going.
Shaking his head, he relied "I packed it in after a couple of weeks, people were talking behind my back".
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Post by PotterLog on Aug 24, 2021 15:55:07 GMT
"What do you do when you're falling asleep, Sean?" "Well, I move into the slow lane". "Do you ever hear voices in your head, Sean?" "I do, quite often, actually...but I just ignore them and carry on killing". RIP Sean Lock. I’ve shown my sensitive side twice - once to my wife, and one time I slowed down for a horse.
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Post by scfcwebby on Aug 24, 2021 19:59:26 GMT
Talking to a guy at work yesterday, he said "what rhymes with orange" I said "no it doesn't"
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Post by marylandstoke on Aug 24, 2021 21:38:17 GMT
Twenty four beers in a case..
24 hours in a day.
Coincidence?
I think not!
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Post by felonious on Aug 25, 2021 7:29:24 GMT
Joke for today....
How do you know when a stage is absolutely level?
When the drummer dribbles out of both sides of his mouth.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Aug 25, 2021 15:50:38 GMT
As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers, I muttered under my breath, "Fat fucking cows."
"What was that?" snapped my wife.
"You herd!"
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Post by pretzel on Aug 25, 2021 18:42:13 GMT
On a prarie in the wild west and an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman have been captured by Red Indians.
The Indian chief raises his Tomahawk in the air to silence his baying tribe and said to the Scotsman
"Before you die, we will grant you one last meal, what will it be?"
In a trembling voice, the Scotsman says "I suppose I would like a bowl of Scots broth"
The Chief dispatches one of his braves to the local store and he soon returns clutching a tin of Campbell's Scots Broth.
The broth is poured into a billy can, heated over an open fire and given to the Scotsman, who is brutally slaughtered after he finishes the last spoonfull.
The Chief now turns to the Irishman and gives him the same option.
The Irishman, who is now in floods of tears, says he would like a bowl of Irish Stew.
So again, the indian brave jumps onto his horse and gallops to the store and returns with a tin of Campbell's Irish stew.
The stew is warmed, the Irishman eats the stew and then befalls the same awful fate as the Scotsman.
The Chief now turns to the Englishman who stands defiantly to face him.
"And what would you request before you die?"
The Englishman stares into the Chief's eyes and in a calm and deep voice says "I would like a round of bread and butter"
So one last time, the Indian brave is despatched to the store, returning with a loaf and a pack of Lurpac.
The chief draws from it's pouch the biggest cut throat knife you have ever seen and uses it to butter a round of bread and then passes it to the Englishman.
The Englishman stares intently at the round of bread and then at the Chief before wrapping it around his member, masturbating furiously into it.
There is an uncanny silence as they all stare at the man.
Then the Chief raises his cut throat knife high in the air and loudly calls out.....
"WE MUST LET THIS MAN GO FREE"........... "WHITE MAN CUM IN PIECE"
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Post by Clayton Wood on Aug 27, 2021 8:46:44 GMT
The best beginner pet is a Hamster.
They live for 5 days and don’t require any food or water.
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Post by danceswithclams on Aug 27, 2021 14:49:18 GMT
I asked the receptionist at my hotel for a wake-up call.
"Your best years are slipping away from you. You're lazy, you drink too much and you really should start looking after yourself" she said.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Aug 27, 2021 16:56:57 GMT
My Uncle John was a shit ventriloquist... He used to put his fingers up my arse and ask me not to say anything!
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Post by Staffsoatcake on Aug 27, 2021 18:03:35 GMT
Teacher, Johnny, how do you spell Crocodile.
Johnny, Krokodile.
Teacher, that's wrong.
Johnny, no it isn't, you asked how do I spell it.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Aug 28, 2021 20:15:22 GMT
Blind man went to a restaurant. "Menu, sir?" Asked the owner. "I'm blind. Just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it & order." The confused owner got a fork. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath. "Yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables" "Unbelievable!" thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. 2 weeks later, the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to see how good his sense of smell was, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking. He said, "Do me a favor and rub this fork over your pussy!" ,which she does. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it, puts it to his nose and says, "Oh interesting, I never knew Brenda worked here."
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Post by chuffedstokie on Aug 29, 2021 6:52:31 GMT
My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic and that from the beginning he warned all the people that the ship would sink, but nobody listened.
He was a brave man, he did not give up. He warned them again and again on several occasions until they kicked him out of the cinema.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Aug 29, 2021 19:31:37 GMT
I was walking through Plymouth Barbican last week to watch the start of the Tall Ships Race. Sat on a bollard was a wizened old man of indeterminate age so I wandered up for a chat as he seemed a bit lonely. We got talking and he said "see that tall ship moored over there, well I made the sails for her. Do they call me Jan the Sailmaker…do they fuck. And see those sail spars well I carved them with my own hands. Do they call me Jan the carpenter…..do they bollox. See her beautiful painted name on the stern, well I painted that. Do they call me Jan the Signwriter ……no they fucking don’t. But all I ever did was shag one bloody sheep!"
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Aug 30, 2021 15:44:54 GMT
I was walking in the park, it was a beautiful day, the sun was out, the birds were singing and I felt so good with life. I then saw this gorgeous little girl walking with her ever so cute little dog, I couldn't help myself...
Hello little girl, what is your name I asked In the most angelic voice she replied 'My name is Petal'
'Well' I said 'that is the most wonderful, beautiful name I have ever heard, and why are you called petal ? The little girl replied, ''When I was just two days old my mummy put me in my cot by the bedroom window and when the summer breeze blew in a lovely red petal and it landed on my forehead and my mummy's eyes filled with tears of joy and she said that is so beautiful you shall be called Petal' Oh how wonderful, what a delightful name you have, and your gorgeous doggy, what is his name ? I said
The little girl replied in her sweet angelic voice 'He's called Porky' Oh that is an unusual name, why is he called Porky ?
and the little girl replied 'Cos he fucks pigs'
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 1, 2021 14:13:39 GMT
Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along a street. Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings.
Robbie quick as a flash, pulls down her knickers and shags her balls deep.
He turns to Elton and says “your turn” but Elton starts to cry.
“What’s wrong Elton? “ asks Robbie
Elton sobs “my head won’t fit through the railings”
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2021 19:17:28 GMT
A customer went into Waterstones book shop and asked the girl on the desk if they had any books about turtles.
"Hardback ?" she asked.
"Yes" he said, "and little heads".
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Sept 1, 2021 22:10:49 GMT
What did one hat say to the other?
You wait here, I’ll go on a head.
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Post by PotterLog on Sept 2, 2021 2:46:08 GMT
A customer went into Waterstones book shop and asked the girl on the desk if they had any books about turtles. "Hardback ?" she asked. "Yes" he said, "and little heads". Do you have any children? Yes I’ve got one that’s just under two ……I know how many one is
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Post by Clayton Wood on Sept 2, 2021 10:46:03 GMT
What did one hat say to the other? You wait here, I’ll go on a head. What did the hat say to the scarf? I'll go on a head while you hang around. ©ClaytonWood aged 7.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Sept 2, 2021 14:36:21 GMT
What did the sock say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll follow on foot.
What did the Y fronts say to the hat? You go on a head and I'll cover the rear
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 2, 2021 14:57:51 GMT
Lord Nelson was about 5ft 6" . His statue in Trafalgar square is 17ft 4" . That's Horatio of about 3 : 1 .
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Post by maxplonk on Sept 2, 2021 15:25:43 GMT
Bought a book at a charity shop called “A Guide to Surgical Procedures.”
When I got it home and opened it the appendix was missing.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2021 16:48:32 GMT
I went to my appointment at the premature ejaculation support group today... Turns out it's tomorrow
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Post by danceswithclams on Sept 3, 2021 10:51:21 GMT
Thinking of opening a footwear emporium in Tennessee that's aimed specifically towards a Hebrew customer base.
Gonna call it Chattanooga Jew Shoes.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Sept 3, 2021 14:44:17 GMT
Apparently lack of sex is good for the memory. I remember reading this in Mens Magazine Monthly©️ on the 23rd of February at 3.37pm and it was the fourth paragraph, the sun was out and I was drinking a cup of tea without sugar.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 3, 2021 14:53:45 GMT
Earlier tonight I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink… I'm in the hospital now, waiting to be seen
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