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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 3, 2021 15:00:10 GMT
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,’ she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
‘Feels great,’ he replied; ‘but I still think my thumb's broken
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Post by Clayton Wood on Sept 3, 2021 17:22:12 GMT
Apparently lack of sex is good for the memory. I remember reading this in Mens Magazine Monthly©️ on the 23rd of February at 3.37pm and it was the fourth paragraph, the sun was out and I was drinking a cup of tea without sugar. 17 days since the wife went to look after her sick sister, so no sex. Went for a jog in my flip flops just to relive the sound.
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Post by Seymour Beaver on Sept 3, 2021 18:13:04 GMT
Not a joks as such but currently at the hospital. Went to use the toilet but on the door a sign.
OUT OF ORDER
(Job Logged)
Made me smile anyway.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 4, 2021 14:36:15 GMT
Mark Knopfler comes home carrying a large picture frame and a bag of chips.
His missus says, " What've you been up to?"
He replies, "I was at the Auction House and got a rare French Impressionist painting and I got you something from the chippy on the way home."
"How much have you spent this time?"
"Nowt." says Mark, "I got the Monet for nothing and the chips for free."
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Post by pearo on Sept 4, 2021 23:40:56 GMT
Thinking of opening a footwear emporium in Tennessee that's aimed specifically towards a Hebrew customer base. Gonna call it Chattanooga Jew Shoes. I’m thinking of opening a dairy product emporium in Israel, going to call it “ Cheeses of Nazareth “
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Post by pearo on Sept 4, 2021 23:44:30 GMT
Went to the cinema today and saw they are releasing a film on Eddie Stobart, the trailer was good.
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Post by Kpsje on Sept 5, 2021 8:52:28 GMT
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 9, 2021 15:20:41 GMT
Remember the singer Yazz? She now works as a lift attendant.
She’s not very good at it...
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 9, 2021 15:30:12 GMT
Shame about that transgender weightlifter being knocked out of the Olympics, she worked her bollocks off to get there.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Sept 10, 2021 8:17:24 GMT
Her Tinder profile said she was 42 but had the body of an 18 year old. When I asked for a photo she said it'll have to wait until the morning as the freezer's in the garage and it's pissing down out there.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 14, 2021 14:14:20 GMT
I phoned my local council this afternoon asking if I could have permission to have a skip outside my house
The woman from the council said
" go for it you fat bastard,you could do with some excercise "
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 14, 2021 14:20:35 GMT
Please avoid using a website called Constipated.com. It wouldn't let me log out.
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Post by Staffsoatcake on Sept 14, 2021 14:30:39 GMT
Walked into a Bar yesterday,ended up having 6 stitches.
What's green & hairy and goes up & down?
A Gooseberry in a lift.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2021 21:17:06 GMT
What have Phillip Schofield and Lewis Hamilton got in common?
They both finished last weekend with skidmarks on their helmets.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Sept 15, 2021 11:20:42 GMT
Bloke sat on a bus with his trouser pockets full of golf balls. Lady sat next to him kept staring at them and eventually asked him what they were. Oh they’re just golf balls to which she replied "hope they aren’t as painful as tennis elbow".
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 15, 2021 16:50:24 GMT
My wife just said to me,
"can you please explain why iv just found a pair of womens knickers in your coat pocket"
Certainly i replied
"Its because your a nosey cunt".
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Post by liathroid on Sept 15, 2021 17:55:27 GMT
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Post by marylandstoke on Sept 15, 2021 21:44:05 GMT
Please avoid using a website called Constipated.com. It wouldn't let me log out. If you find a really good mathematician he will be able to work it out with a pencil.
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Post by marylandstoke on Sept 15, 2021 21:45:43 GMT
My wife just said to me, "can you please explain why iv just found a pair of womens knickers in your coat pocket" Certainly i replied "Its because your a nosey cunt". Is that you Chubby?
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Post by Clayton Wood on Sept 17, 2021 7:15:37 GMT
In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".
I suppose we're just raised differently.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Sept 17, 2021 19:00:42 GMT
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Post by liathroid on Sept 17, 2021 19:29:55 GMT
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 20, 2021 15:16:55 GMT
Me and my flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor today.
The counsellor asked us; "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well," I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."
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Post by spiderpuss on Sept 24, 2021 22:12:50 GMT
Can SOMEBODY tell a joke instead of worrying about petrol, thanks.
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Post by teenagefanclub on Sept 24, 2021 22:43:39 GMT
Bought a jack-in-the-box off ebay fo r£3 last week, its just arrived and it doesn't work!!
Why am I not surprised.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2021 23:23:24 GMT
Boris Johnson dies... His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnson. “I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven." "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it his dad...and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped him out over the years....... The whole of the "Right" was there. . Everyone laughing...happy...casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Johnson with a frosty drink, "Have a Marguerita and relax, Boris!" "Uh, I can't drink any more, I’m watching my weight," says Johnson, dejectedly. "This is Hell, Boris: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!" Johnson takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Johnson steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours, Johnson is made to chill with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to Johnson, Jesus turns out to be some kind of hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff. "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!" The day is done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity." With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Johnson reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this - I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all - but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of barren scorched earth called Brexit Britain covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste... He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Johnson and puts an arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked Johnson, "Yesterday I was here and there was a country house and we ate lobster and caviar....drank cocktails. We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!" The Devil looks at him smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us"
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2021 9:29:57 GMT
Can SOMEBODY tell a joke instead of worrying about petrol, thanks. I just made the Mrs cry by yelling at her for going out to queue for petrol She was filling up (best I could do)
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Post by maxplonk on Sept 25, 2021 10:03:53 GMT
A priest, an imam and a rabbit go to the doctor. When asked his blood group, the rabbit replies: "I'm not sure but I'm probably a type O."
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Post by maxplonk on Sept 27, 2021 13:42:57 GMT
Can SOMEBODY tell a joke instead of worrying about petrol, thanks. What's the difference between paraffin and petrol? There are two fs in paraffin but no f in petrol. Sorry.
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Post by innocentbystander on Sept 29, 2021 22:28:23 GMT
Two trifles got divorced. There was a messy custardy battle.
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