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Post by andystokey on Aug 6, 2021 16:56:59 GMT
My Doctor told me I am paranoid.
Well he didn't actually say that but I know what the cnut was thinking.
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Post by maxplonk on Aug 6, 2021 18:40:43 GMT
A bloke knocked on my door and said, "Can i come in your house and talk about vacuuming your carpets?"
I think he was a Jehoovers Witness
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Post by lordb on Aug 6, 2021 21:29:16 GMT
A bloke knocked on my door and said, "Can i come in your house and talk about vacuuming your carpets?" I think he was a Jehoovers Witness That sucks Sorry, it's late...
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Post by spiderpuss on Aug 6, 2021 23:11:25 GMT
A bloke knocked on my door and said, "Can i come in your house and talk about vacuuming your carpets?" I think he was a Jehoovers Witness That sucks It was a clean sweep at the local joke awards I'll have you know. Sorry, it's late...
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Post by thevoid on Aug 13, 2021 6:59:32 GMT
Dung beetle walks into a bar and says “Is this stool taken ?”
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Aug 13, 2021 8:17:05 GMT
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
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Post by maxplonk on Aug 13, 2021 8:34:53 GMT
I must apologise for googling “how tall is Buster Bloodvessel?” while people were talking to me.
It was the height of bad manners.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Aug 13, 2021 8:50:37 GMT
A farmer walks into his local and orders Champagne then sits next to a woman at the bar. He notices she has a glass of champagne and says, "I see you're drinking Champagne too" "Yes, I am," she replies, "what a coincidence." "I'm celebrating." Says the farmer. "What a coincidence, so am I!" she says raising her glass. "My hens' stopped laying about six months ago and today they have started again." "Wow, what a coincidence. My husband and me have being trying to start a family for years and today the doctor confirmed I'm pregnant. What did you do to your hens?" "I used a different cock." "What a coincidence."
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Post by danceswithclams on Aug 13, 2021 9:44:45 GMT
Got my pet frog DNA tested.
Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2021 11:16:39 GMT
Viagra. It won’t make you James Bond, but it might make you Roger Moore!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2021 11:17:21 GMT
Just back from the fishmongers and the guy in front of me bought ALL the crabs, mussels and lobsters. Shellfish b*st*rd!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2021 11:18:52 GMT
Did you know Muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?
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Post by andystokey on Aug 13, 2021 11:24:27 GMT
I phoned my wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on the way home. She just grunted.
I think she still regrets leaving it to me to name the twins.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Aug 17, 2021 13:54:34 GMT
Ever since I started using coconut shampoo, I keep getting chased by PIs.
It's like there's a bounty on my head.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Aug 17, 2021 13:57:27 GMT
A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, “Yep, I’ve got this great rooster, named Kenny. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”
Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. “I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job! So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle
Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhhh .. they’re getting closer.”
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dogso
Academy Starlet
Posts: 230
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Post by dogso on Aug 18, 2021 13:04:59 GMT
My Neighbour was afraid of planting a fruit tree in his front yard. I told him he should just grow a pear.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Aug 18, 2021 14:13:13 GMT
My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession for horse racing... They're both at the gate now and they're off...
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Post by Clayton Wood on Aug 18, 2021 15:45:48 GMT
Me: I saw a bloke last night trying to steal my garden gate, but I didn't say anything. Mate: Why ever not? Me: I thought he might take offence.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Aug 19, 2021 15:47:16 GMT
Wife and I had a few drinks and one thing lead to another
She turns to me in bed with a wicked grin and tells me to “ turn out the light, and she’ll take it up her arse “
With the benefit of hindsight, I probably should of waited for the bulb to cool down.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2021 16:38:45 GMT
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste, mostly.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2021 16:39:16 GMT
I got a new job last week as the new boss at Old MacDonald’s farm.
I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Aug 19, 2021 18:50:55 GMT
Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, oo, aah aah aah.’ The other replied: ‘Well, put some cold in then.’
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Post by Clayton Wood on Aug 20, 2021 8:50:26 GMT
Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced
by a musical instrument.
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Post by danceswithclams on Aug 20, 2021 11:33:46 GMT
I suspect the Mrs is applying glue to my collection of antique firearms.
She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.
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Post by andystokey on Aug 20, 2021 12:19:04 GMT
Next time you are feeling down take a moment to put things in perspective. I have a mate who has sex 2 or 3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads two or three books a week yet he's always complaining how much he hates prison.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2021 12:29:29 GMT
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Aug 20, 2021 13:28:26 GMT
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night when the wife said to me “ You don’t half spoil those dogs “
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Aug 20, 2021 13:29:55 GMT
My mate said I wasn’t a true Cockney
So I pushed him down the apple and oranges
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Post by Kpsje on Aug 20, 2021 14:10:32 GMT
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Post by thevoid on Aug 20, 2021 17:30:28 GMT
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