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Post by murphthesurf on Jul 16, 2021 20:04:24 GMT
I had a day out at the zoo yesterday - I looked round everywhere but there were no animals at all, apart from one dog. It was a shih tzu.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jul 17, 2021 9:25:16 GMT
Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
But the good news is I can see Claire Lee now that Lorraine has gone.
(I'm here all week).
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Post by telfordstoke on Jul 17, 2021 12:24:23 GMT
Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee. But the good news is I can see Claire Lee now that Lorraine has gone. (I'm here all week). I may well need more than a week, I'm working on it chuffed
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Post by sd22 on Jul 17, 2021 13:34:19 GMT
My grandad was responsible for bringing down an entire fleet of German fighter planes in WW2
Worst mechanical engineer the Luftwaffe have ever employed
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jul 23, 2021 8:41:12 GMT
A teenage boy is in the confessional and admits to having sex with a girl but refuses to name her. 'It wasn't Angela Jackson by any chance?' asks the priest. 'No Father, not Angela.' 'Not Sara Smith this time?' 'No Father.' 'Then it must be Louise Brown up to her old tricks again.' 'No Father, not her.' 'Well, whoever it was, on your way out say 3 Hail Mary's and leave this weeks pocket money on the plate by the door.'
Outside he meets his mate. 'How'd it go?' 'Worked like a charm, £5 fine and 3 cracking leads.'
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Post by danceswithclams on Jul 23, 2021 8:56:29 GMT
I've been seeing a psychiatrist for my kleptomania.
I've taken something valuable from each session.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jul 23, 2021 9:24:28 GMT
I'm addicted to swearing.
It's such a curse.
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Post by murphthesurf on Jul 23, 2021 12:27:02 GMT
I just 'phoned the zoo. They said they were going to be recording the call. I said 'why?', and they said: 'For training porpoises.'
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jul 23, 2021 14:19:50 GMT
My Granddad always said when one door closes another one opens……….He never did sell any his bespoke cabinets.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Jul 23, 2021 18:04:41 GMT
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
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Post by scfc1863 on Jul 24, 2021 11:39:21 GMT
A woman, whom after many years of being told by her husband that she was a terrible driver, removed all the car mirrors....... she's never looked back.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2021 11:45:22 GMT
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2021 11:49:03 GMT
My friend said to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No it doesn’t!”
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Post by flea79 on Jul 26, 2021 15:49:32 GMT
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen. the same joke appeared on the goregrish pictures thread this morning disclaimer those of a nervous or weak disposition should never visit this site, im pretty sure some of the content is illegal to view in some places!
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Post by pretzel on Jul 28, 2021 19:06:25 GMT
Before covid came along I would always be telling jokes at work and everyone would fall about laughing.
Now when I'm doing meetings for work on Microsoft teams and Zoom, my gags barely raise a smile.
It turns out I’m not remotely funny.
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Post by PotterLog on Jul 29, 2021 1:11:19 GMT
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. You probably don’t understand most of the word play in this thread then, because you always take things literally
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Post by marylandstoke on Jul 29, 2021 1:29:43 GMT
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. You probably don’t understand most of the word play in this thread then, because you always take things literally ?
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Post by lordb on Jul 29, 2021 18:45:06 GMT
What's the height of confusion?
Father's Day in Knutton
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jul 30, 2021 7:52:45 GMT
My friend was so convinced of the flat earth theory, he said he was going to Antarctica to find the edge. He came around eventually.
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Post by danceswithclams on Jul 30, 2021 11:11:58 GMT
Asked my cryptotrader friend if they'd lend me a Bitcoin.
"£43,603?" they replied. "£36,521 is a lot of money. What do you need £27,329 for anyway?"
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Post by andystokey on Jul 30, 2021 11:49:59 GMT
I bought the Mrs a map of the World for her birthday I told her she could throw a dart and anywhere it landed I would treat her to a holiday there.
I'm pleased to announce that in October we will be spending two weeks by the fucking skirting board.
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Post by maxplonk on Aug 3, 2021 8:42:21 GMT
Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: “and?”
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2021 10:47:10 GMT
😂😂 ………………………………………….…. Great punchline 👍 If ever there was a typical DO'D audience, tthe Father Ted spoof, Eoin McLove was dead on
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Aug 4, 2021 12:49:04 GMT
😂😂 ………………………………………….…. Great punchline 👍 If ever there was a typical DO'D audience, tthe Father Ted spoof, Eoin McLove was dead on Thank you for liking Daniel’s old couple joke, much appreciated.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2021 13:37:56 GMT
If ever there was a typical DO'D audience, tthe Father Ted spoof, Eoin McLove was dead on Thank you for liking Daniel’s old couple joke, much appreciated. my mum's idol. I have to. I like how he can make a rude joke, clean.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Aug 6, 2021 8:21:31 GMT
At breakfast this morning my daughter excitedly asked, 'Daddy, Daddy guess how old I'll be tomorrow on my birthday!' 'I don't know sweetheart, you tell me' I smiled. She held up 4 fingers.
It's nearly time to put her to bed now, and despite lengthy police questioning all day, we still don't know where she got them from.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2021 8:44:04 GMT
A passenger in the back seat of a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question. He tapped him on the shoulder and the driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, mounted a kerb before stopping inchesfrom a crowded bus shelter.
For a minute or so everything was quiet and the driver just sat there shaking, "I'm so sorry" he said to the passenger, "but you nearly frightened me to death back there".
The scared passenger said "No, I'm sorry, I hadn't realised a mere tap on the shoulder could be so frightening".
The driver said, "No I apologise. You see today is my first day driving a cab, for the last 25 years I've been driving a hearse".
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Post by danceswithclams on Aug 6, 2021 9:25:36 GMT
I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness.
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Post by thevoid on Aug 6, 2021 12:15:25 GMT
I’m doing an online DJ set for a Devon & Cornwall radio station playing 60s and 70s hits.
I can’t decide whether to play The Jam or Cream first though...
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Post by teenagefanclub on Aug 6, 2021 12:41:20 GMT
I’m doing an online DJ set for a Devon & Cornwall radio station playing 60s and 70s hits. I can’t decide whether to play The Jam or Cream first though... To avoid that predicament just play some Pasty Cline
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