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Post by podolipotter on Jul 25, 2017 10:05:05 GMT
Two guys stranded in a desert. One says to the other "Look up there, a plane" "Nah, you are wrong" said the other guy, "it is just an illyushin". "No, you're wrong" the other guy replied - "It's a mirage".
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Post by podolipotter on Jul 25, 2017 10:06:56 GMT
Och aye, why did the Scottish chicken cross the road to Dundee?
..................it wanted to get tae the other seed.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2017 10:13:39 GMT
I came second in a fidel castro lookalike competition Close... But no cigar True story: Val Doonican entered a Val Doonican lookalike competition for a laugh ... and came second! Another true story, in the early 2000s Mr Motivator worked as a Mr Motivator lookalike.
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Post by samba :) on Jul 25, 2017 10:14:09 GMT
why would you boycott then? Perfect thread to resurrect this one for you Roses are red Violets are blue I've got Alzheimer's Cheese on toast ahhh still makes me chuckle
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Post by podolipotter on Jul 25, 2017 10:18:24 GMT
If keen golfers holiday in Timor, and hospital Ear Nose and Throat Specialists end up in Quatar, does Bill Gates got to Togo? If a Frenchman and friend go to Miami, and Munich Beer festival drinkers holiday in Liechtenstein, does the keen stand-on-the-terrace football supporter always head for Israel? If tongue-twister authors holiday in the Seychelles and Lion-Tamers in Aden, Do chefs always go to the Cook Islands? If tie-rack employees holiday in Thailand, and barmen who call last orders, Bahrein, do Optician go to Iraq?
I'll get me coat.......................
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Post by davethebass on Jul 25, 2017 10:21:41 GMT
How many people with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
LET'S RIDE BIKES!!!!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2017 10:43:20 GMT
Bloke jumps out of a plane and his chute doesn't open. He sees a man coming up towards him "Do you know anything about parachutes" he cries. "No do you know anything about gas cookers"
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Post by wrighter on Jul 25, 2017 10:47:45 GMT
If Donald Trump faced a would be assasin would his bodyguards shout
" Donald,. Duck "
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Post by stokefc on Jul 25, 2017 12:34:57 GMT
I thunk weather shudder open ttis Fred the ebd of the seesaw after we've bin regurgitated Benj
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jul 25, 2017 12:41:11 GMT
Woman goes to doctors because she can't keep a boy friend for long. Doctor refers her to a Mr Xin a Chinese specialist in these things. Off she toddles for a consultation and explains to Mr Xin her problem. He ponders for a while before telling her to strip naked which she dutifully does. "Now kwaw on hands and knees kwoss woom" instructs Mr Xin. Off she crawls. "Now kwaw back" he demands watching her intently. "Ok" says Mr Xin " diagnosis is vewwy, vewwy easy. You have Edzakawy disease and afwaid it's not tweetable" "Edzakary disease.....what the hell is that?" Asks the concerned woman. "Ahh you see, face Edzakawy same as arse. Vewwy common in China."
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Post by wrighter on Jul 25, 2017 12:47:08 GMT
Man goes into a petshop " Hello, do you sell wasps ? " No Sir, sorry we dont sell wasps " " Are you sure ? " " Positive"
" Well, you are a liar, you have one in your window "
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jul 25, 2017 12:50:38 GMT
Why did the baker have smelly hands..............Because he kneaded a poo.
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Post by Bojan Mackey on Jul 25, 2017 12:50:51 GMT
What does anal sex and spinach have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
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Post by Staffsoatcake on Jul 25, 2017 12:58:44 GMT
Tramp finds a dead body on the railway line, he takes it back to his campsite.
After 2 weeks he meets up with a friend of his, who enquires why he ain't seen in for a while.
"Because I have been having sex with this woman I found on the Tracks" he says.
"Did she give you a blow job"his mate asked.
"No,I couldn't find he head" he replied.
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Post by ivorstokie on Jul 25, 2017 12:59:27 GMT
Bloke gets his penis cut off in an accident. He's referred to a brilliant plastic surgeon who says he can do a transplant which will work just as well as his own. Surgeon says he can even choose what size he would like - small cost £10k, medium £15k and large £20k. He then tells the man to discuss it with his wife so they decide which size to go for, then come back next week and let him know. Man comes back a week later, and surgeon asks what they've decided. Man replies -'She's decided she wants a new kitchen'.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jul 25, 2017 13:08:40 GMT
A couple were in an adult Mr and Mrs show in Australia: The husband goes first as his wife dons the ear muffs and blindfold After a few questions he gets personal
Compare : Now Jon I'm going to ask you a very intimate question. When did you last have sex with the Mrs?
Husband: Well actually we had a quicky this morning just before I went to work.
Compare: Ata' boy Jon.can you tell us where you had it?
Husband: Well alright it was on the kitchen table.
Compare: Top man, top man. Now let's ask the wife about this encounter and see if she remembers!
Compare to wife: Mary can you tell the audience when you and Jon last had sex.
Mary blushing: Well I guess it was this morning
Compare: you're doing well Mary very good. Now can you tell the auspdience where you had it?
Mary blushing even: Jon you didn't tell them did you, please say you didn't.
Compare: Come on Mary it's only a game Jon was very honest and there's £1000 up for grabs if you get it right. Now Mary think carefully where did you have sex this morning.
Mary: Oh what the hell .........We had sex up my arse.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jul 25, 2017 14:36:38 GMT
Golfer: "Doc come quick, my wife's just been hit by a golf ball." Doctor: "Right! Where?" Golfer: "Between the first and second holes." Doctor: "Mmmm, won't leave a lot of room to operate."
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Post by pretzel on Jul 25, 2017 15:36:49 GMT
Port Vale fan walks into his sisters bedroom to find her pleasuring herself with a carrot.
"Ewwwww" he says, "I was going to eat that later"....
"and now it's going to smell of carrot"
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Post by davethebass on Jul 25, 2017 17:13:11 GMT
Bloke jumps out of a plane and his chute doesn't open. He sees a man coming up towards him "Do you know anything about parachutes" he cries. "No do you know anything about gas cookers" "For Sale Parachute As new Only used once Unopened Slight stain" - seen in the personal ads in Private Eye magazine ...wondering now if there was also an ad for a second hand gas cooker!
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Post by davethebass on Jul 25, 2017 17:18:48 GMT
If keen golfers holiday in Timor, and hospital Ear Nose and Throat Specialists end up in Quatar, does Bill Gates got to Togo? If a Frenchman and friend go to Miami, and Munich Beer festival drinkers holiday in Liechtenstein, does the keen stand-on-the-terrace football supporter always head for Israel? If tongue-twister authors holiday in the Seychelles and Lion-Tamers in Aden, Do chefs always go to the Cook Islands? If tie-rack employees holiday in Thailand, and barmen who call last orders, Bahrein, do Optician go to Iraq? I'll get me coat....................... Nominative Determinism! ..lovin it mate .. worth checking New Scientist, they have regular updates
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2017 19:39:51 GMT
Notice in a convent: "Lights out 10-00, candles out 11-00"
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Post by SCFC92 on Jul 25, 2017 19:52:34 GMT
Whats pink and fluffy? Pink Fluff What's brown and sticky? A stick What's yellow and dangerous? Shark infested custard.... Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead...
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2017 20:44:23 GMT
What does anal sex and spinach have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult. The only thing with that though, is that you don't force Bojan to have spinach
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Post by Gifton on Jul 25, 2017 20:49:12 GMT
What makes 9 out of 10 people happy?........
.....gang rape!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2017 21:34:29 GMT
Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CD collection?
In Iraq.
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Post by davethebass on Jul 25, 2017 23:38:54 GMT
What's brown and sticky? A stick What's yellow and dangerous? Shark infested custard.... Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead... How do you get 5 giraffes in a mini? 2 in the front, 3 in the back How do you get an elephant in a mini? In the glove compartment cos the giraffes are taking up all the seats How do you get 2 whales in a mini? Along the A44
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jul 26, 2017 6:30:45 GMT
Mary had a little bike The seat was back to front And every time the wheels went round The spokes went up her nose "Mary had a little lamb, It's name was Willie Wollocks. It tried to jump the garden fence and landed on its .... head. Mary had a little lamb The doctors were surprised But when old macdonald had a farm They could hardly believe their eyes
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Post by roostershair on Jul 26, 2017 9:06:06 GMT
Bloke walks into a pub. Vincent van Goch is sat in the corner. Bloke says, "D'ya want a drink Vin "? Vin says "No thanks, I've got one ear."
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Post by stokefc on Jul 26, 2017 9:11:51 GMT
What do you call a Scouser in a suit
The accused
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Post by danceswithclams on Jul 26, 2017 9:49:06 GMT
Why does Rupert The Bear wear yellow check trousers?
Because he's a cunt.
(c) Jerry Sadowitz, 1991
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