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Post by davethebass on Jul 24, 2017 18:36:35 GMT
I came second in a fidel castro lookalike competition Close... But no cigar True story: Val Doonican entered a Val Doonican lookalike competition for a laugh ... and came second!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2017 18:38:55 GMT
A banker, a Daily Mail reader and an immigrant are sitting around a table on which a cake has been divided into 10 slices. The banker takes 9 slices, then turns to the Daily Mail reader and says "Watch that immigrant. He's after your cake."
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Post by brinewings on Jul 24, 2017 18:39:20 GMT
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
...Dr Dre
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Post by davethebass on Jul 24, 2017 18:40:53 GMT
Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. One says to the other " I haven't come this way before", the second one replies "it's great isn't it!!" Two nuns in the bath. One says "where's the soap"; the other one replies "it does doesn't it!"
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Post by Theninjabadger on Jul 24, 2017 18:44:29 GMT
What's invisible and smells like carrot? A rabbits fart
What's green and brown, got 6 legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A snooker table
What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise
What happens if you cross a stream and a river? You get wet feet
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jul 24, 2017 18:46:42 GMT
Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. One says to the other " I haven't come this way before", the second one replies "it's great isn't it!!" On a similar vein (no pun intended) one nun says to the other after a power cut ..."Where's the candle?" to which he other replied ......"yes it does doesn't it."
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Post by Theninjabadger on Jul 24, 2017 18:58:57 GMT
I bet my sister a £100 I could build a car out of spaghetti. You should of she her face as I drove pasta
Where do animals go when their tails far off? The retail store
I was asked the best thing about living in Switzerland? I said I don't really know but the flags a big plus
What sport do you play with a wombat? Wom
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2017 18:59:40 GMT
Mary had a little bike The seat was back to front And every time the wheels went round The spokes went up her nose
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2017 19:00:54 GMT
Mary had a little bike The seat was back to front And every time the wheels went round The spokes went up her nose Freddie Jones?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2017 19:09:49 GMT
Bloke gets a dream job testing durex First day he gets undressed in the room and puts one on In walks a gorgeous blonde and starts tossing him off "Oh! I thought I'd got to give you one" he said. Yeh but you have to work a week in hand
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Post by Theninjabadger on Jul 24, 2017 19:16:11 GMT
A midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large
Why don’t you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people
Why don't blind people sky dive? It scares the hell out of the dogs
What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs fingers
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Post by Olgrligm on Jul 24, 2017 19:20:53 GMT
Three men go hiking and find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie then tells them that it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2017 19:22:50 GMT
Mary had a little bike The seat was back to front And every time the wheels went round The spokes went up her nose Freddie Jones? Right, fuck it!! You win!! 😁😁
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Post by RichJonesy on Jul 24, 2017 20:00:15 GMT
Stationary shop moves
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Post by davethebass on Jul 24, 2017 20:16:34 GMT
What do you call a fly without any wings?
A walk
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Post by greystokie on Jul 24, 2017 20:32:08 GMT
Farting in the lift ... it's just wrong on so many levels or Multi storey car crime....it's just wrong on so many levels
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Post by burge2u on Jul 24, 2017 20:42:20 GMT
Mary had a little bike The seat was back to front And every time the wheels went round The spokes went up her nose "Mary had a little lamb, It's name was Willie Wollocks. It tried to jump the garden fence and landed on its .... head.
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Post by greystokie on Jul 24, 2017 21:07:58 GMT
A young lad pulls at the nightclub. He suggests that they go back to her place afterwards. "No", she says "my mum and dad will hear us". The lad persists and eventually wins her round, so off they go, back to her place. "Remember to be quiet" she reminds him as they go through the front door. After a session on the settee the lad says "I need to go to the toilet", She says "You can't, my mum and dad will hear" "But I can't hold it!" says he groaning. "Ok, use the kitchen sink ..and don't make a noise" she replies After a couple of minutes the lad sticks his head round the door and whispers "psst.....got any paper?"
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Post by Billybigbollox on Jul 24, 2017 22:34:32 GMT
I've just had a chicken proof lawn laid. It's impeccable
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2017 23:53:50 GMT
My Gran was telling me the other day how all the old dears on her street are boycotting the pop man because they've found out he's got AIDS.
He's got cherryade, lemonade, orangeade...
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Post by samba :) on Jul 25, 2017 0:01:19 GMT
My Gran was telling me the other day how all the old dears on her street are boycotting the pop man because they've found out he's got AIDS. He's got cherryade, lemonade, orangeade... why would you boycott then?
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Post by scfcwebby on Jul 25, 2017 0:06:47 GMT
My Gran was telling me the other day how all the old dears on her street are boycotting the pop man because they've found out he's got AIDS. He's got cherryade, lemonade, orangeade... why would you boycott then? Perfect thread to resurrect this one for you Roses are red Violets are blue I've got Alzheimer's Cheese on toast
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2017 0:18:43 GMT
why would you boycott then? Perfect thread to resurrect this one for you Roses are red Violets are blue I've got Alzheimer's Cheese on toast Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I've got Tourette's, Now go and fuck yourself you cunt.
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Post by davethebass on Jul 25, 2017 0:58:20 GMT
Perfect thread to resurrect this one for you Roses are red Violets are blue I've got Alzheimer's Cheese on toast Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I've got Tourette's, Now go and fuck yourself you cunt. Roses are red Violets are blue Some poems rhyme But this one dunna
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Post by superheroantonius on Jul 25, 2017 6:47:45 GMT
So the new Doctor Who is a woman.
Bet she keeps bringing up the past
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Post by superheroantonius on Jul 25, 2017 6:50:39 GMT
My wife is like a cloud
When she is not there it's a nice day
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Post by superheroantonius on Jul 25, 2017 6:56:11 GMT
Is it true when Tony scholes plays monopoly, he just goes round paying rent without actually buying anything?
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Post by chigstoke on Jul 25, 2017 9:17:23 GMT
Perfect thread to resurrect this one for you Roses are red Violets are blue I've got Alzheimer's Cheese on toast Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I've got Tourette's, Now go and fuck yourself you cunt. Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I've got a knife, Get in the van
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Post by friendlystokie on Jul 25, 2017 9:33:56 GMT
Roses are Grey Violets are Grey I'm colourblind Fuck my Life
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Post by darksideofthemoon on Jul 25, 2017 9:44:17 GMT
Whilst this thread may make you briefly smile, can I just point out that it merely papers over the cracks of your miserable existence as a human being and is in no way whatsoever going to alter your long term feelings of utter misery as a Stoke fan. Laughing at these jokes is a only temporary relief and your utter despair with your life and with Stoke City will promptly return. Mark my words. Regards Benji If that was the real benji, it would say: "Why l thi sthred may mayk you breeflee smyl can eye jst poin towt tha tit meeely pay pers pver htn du cj nashuihn bn bbybybybybybybyby flubbadub."
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