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Post by wrighter on Jul 24, 2017 15:43:14 GMT
whats brown and sounds like a bell ?
dung
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Post by davethebass on Jul 24, 2017 15:43:52 GMT
Did you hear about the Dyslexic Agnostic?? He spent most of his time wondering if there really was a Dog. dyslexic agnostic insomniac Up all night wondering if there's a dog
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Post by Staffsoatcake on Jul 24, 2017 15:44:26 GMT
What's Green hairy and goes up and down?
A Goosberry in a lift.
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Post by davethebass on Jul 24, 2017 15:46:41 GMT
Farting in the lift ... it's just wrong on so many levels
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Post by Bojan Mackey on Jul 24, 2017 15:46:59 GMT
Losing my virginity was a lot like when I learned to ride a bike.
My dad was holding onto my shoulders.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jul 24, 2017 15:47:51 GMT
Just a warning to anybody using the B&Q car park at Festival Park. There's a couple of beautiful Eastern European ladies who will jump in your car asking for a lift. Whilst one unzips your flies and proceeds to give you an amazing bj the other rifles through your jacket and nicks your wallet before they both jump out and scarper. I was caught out last Monday morning, Tuesday afternoon, twice on Thursday and again on Saturday. Oh by the way The Range are selling wallets for 99p.
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Post by claytonscrubs on Jul 24, 2017 15:50:49 GMT
What's pink and hard in the morning ?
The Financial Times crossword...
What goes in dry, comes out wet and gives pleasure to two people ?
A Tetley tea bag...
Sorry, i've got a one-track mind...
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Post by Staffsoatcake on Jul 24, 2017 15:55:23 GMT
Wife to her husband,I`m sorry to tell you this,but a Fortune teller told me you are going to die in the morning.
She told me the our son will lose his father in the early hours.
The husband can't sleep all night worrying,so he gets up early,opens the front door to get the milk,and the milkman is stone cold dead on the doorstep. .
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Post by davethebass on Jul 24, 2017 15:57:16 GMT
Bloke crossing Sahara desert on a camel, he's desperate for a shag so he tries shag the camel but every time he tries, it keeps turning round and biting him. Then he sees a beautiful maiden in distress, staked out on the sand... "Save me! save me! I'll do ANYTHING if you save me!" .. so he unties her and she says "what do you want me to do, I'll do anything." .. so he says "Can you just hold this camel's head for a minute?"
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Post by Staffsoatcake on Jul 24, 2017 16:04:47 GMT
Little Jack Horner,Sat in the corner,eating his Xmas Pud,he put in his thumb,pulled out an Apple,and said"How the fuck did that get in here"?
Little miss muffit sat on her tuffit,eating her curds and whey,down came a spider,Sat down beside her,so she trod on it.
Little zombie Horner,Sat in the corner,eating his sister's miscarriage.
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Post by davethebass on Jul 24, 2017 16:05:12 GMT
What's pink and hard in the morning ? The Financial Times crossword... What goes in dry, comes out wet and gives pleasure to two people ? A Tetley tea bag... Sorry, i've got a one-track mind... True story this, taxi driver mate told us. Taxi driver gets a fare and it's Freddie Starr. Drops him at the hotel and Freddie star pays him then gives him an envelope and says "here you go mate have a drink later When he gets home he opens the envelope and there's a tea bag in it.
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Post by sirstanley on Jul 24, 2017 16:15:45 GMT
Couple lying in bed at 2am when there is a knock at the door. The husband ignores it and turns over. His wife jabs him in the ribs and tells him to get up and answer the door so grudgingly he gowns downstairs and does so. Standing outside is a bloke who says to the husband "Can you give us a push mate?". The husband is infuriated and replies "A push??!! A push??!! It's 2am in the morning...bugger off!". He slams the door in the blokes face and goes back to bed. His wife asks him who was at the door and he tells her that it was some bloke wanting a push. "What did you say to him?" she asks. "I told him to bugger off as it is 2am I the morning!" Well, the wife is very angry and says to her husband "How could you possibly do that to the poor man?? Don't you remember that time when we were driving in Wales and the car broke down late at night and we had the kids in the car? You went and asked for help at that farmhouse...what would we have done if they had told you to bugger off?? Get yourself back downstairs NOW and go and help that poor man" Reluctantly the husband gets back out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the front door but can't see the chap anywhere, so he shouts out "Oi, are you still there?" A voice in the distance shouts back "Yes!" "Do you still need a push?" shouts the husband. "Oh, yes please" comes the reply. "Well where are you then?"asks the husband....... "Over here on the swings.........!!!!!"
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Post by Ygor on Jul 24, 2017 16:16:56 GMT
1st Surgeon: "I'm the best surgeon in the world. I once had a man chop all his fingers off with a knife but I stitched them back on. I did such a good job he went on to be a great concert pianist".
2nd Surgeon: "Nah, I'm the best surgeon in the world. I once had a man chop his arms and his legs off with an axe but I stitched them back on. I did such a good job he went on to be a world champion in the 1500 metres".
3rd Surgeon: "Huh, that's nowt, I'm the best surgeon in the world. I once had a man blow himself up with a bomb. All that was left was a streak of blond hair and an arse. But I managed to save him and he went on to be President of the United States".
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Post by Ygor on Jul 24, 2017 16:20:41 GMT
Do you know where I can hire a greyhound?
No, why?
I've got a hair up my arse.
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Post by burge2u on Jul 24, 2017 16:28:58 GMT
Whats pink and fluffy? Pink Fluff What's brown and sticky? A stick After years of careful research & observation, a student at Keele University has discovered that magpies only build their nests out of two types of sticks,....... straight ones & bent ones.
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Post by burge2u on Jul 24, 2017 16:33:48 GMT
A beautiful young lady walked into a pub and asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.
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Post by rogerjonesisgod on Jul 24, 2017 16:36:22 GMT
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jul 24, 2017 16:55:14 GMT
I have the results of your wife's tests Mr Murphy and I have to tell you she has acute angina. Aye and a nice arse an all, but what's wrong with her Doc?
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Post by claytonscrubs on Jul 24, 2017 17:04:51 GMT
What's pink and hard in the morning ? The Financial Times crossword... What goes in dry, comes out wet and gives pleasure to two people ? A Tetley tea bag... Sorry, i've got a one-track mind... True story this, taxi driver mate told us. Taxi driver gets a fare and it's Freddie Starr. Drops him at the hotel and Freddie star pays him then gives him an envelope and says "here you go mate have a drink later When he gets home he opens the envelope and there's a tea bag in it. Good story mate..... But i prefer the one about Freddie Starr eating that hamster...😀
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Post by davethebass on Jul 24, 2017 17:11:39 GMT
What's brown and sticky? A stick After years of careful research & observation, a student at Keele University has discovered that magpies only build their nests out of two types of sticks,....... straight ones & bent ones. Not the bi-curious ones then?
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Post by davethebass on Jul 24, 2017 17:23:13 GMT
True story this, taxi driver mate told us. Taxi driver gets a fare and it's Freddie Starr. Drops him at the hotel and Freddie star pays him then gives him an envelope and says "here you go mate have a drink later When he gets home he opens the envelope and there's a tea bag in it. Good story mate..... But i prefer the one about Freddie Starr eating that hamster...😀 Conner remember that one mate, but got a memory like a whatdyacallit, one of them things with all the holes in... ...
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Post by Bojan Mackey on Jul 24, 2017 17:24:59 GMT
A snake walks into a bar,
The bartender says: "How did you do that?".
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Post by felonious on Jul 24, 2017 17:25:58 GMT
What goes in and out and smells of wee?
Your grandparents doing the okey cokey.
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Post by Pedropotter on Jul 24, 2017 17:29:07 GMT
A woman goes to the doctors with a piece of Lettuce sticking out of the top of her underwear "That looks nasty" said the doctor The woman replies "That's just the tip of the Iceberg" So the doctor put a dressing on it.
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Post by davethebass on Jul 24, 2017 17:38:42 GMT
Bloke gets up to leave the pub, falls flat on his face. Drags himself to the door, struggles to his feet, steps outside and falls flat on his face again. Hauls himself up by a drainpipe and manages get along the street holding on to things. Opens his front door, falls over again. Drags himself up the stairs, pulls himself to his feet by the bedroom door handle, opens the door, falls onto the bed and sparks out. Wakes up next morning and his wife says "in the pub again last night were yer!?" Bloke says "how dya know that?!" She says "landlord just phoned. Says you've left your fucking wheelchair again!"
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Post by samba :) on Jul 24, 2017 17:39:47 GMT
A snake walks into a bar, The bartender says: "How did you do that?". dunno ask arni
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jul 24, 2017 18:10:00 GMT
Lad goes to his first job on a building site. He reports to the site foreman who tells him to go and find Donkey Smith who wants help with some roofing. Off he toddles and spots a brickie mixing some cement. "Do you know where I can find Donkey Smith?" The brickie replies "over by the canteen is where you'll find him mate". Off the lad goes and walks up to an older bloke and asks "are you Donkey Smith?" . The bloke replies, with an obvious stammer " Yes but who told, who told, who told you I was Donkey Smith?" The lad replies "the site foreman did. Why?" Donkey replies ..........."Well heehaw, hee haw, hee haw to know better".
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Post by superheroantonius on Jul 24, 2017 18:26:11 GMT
I came second in a fidel castro lookalike competition Close... But no cigar
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Post by superheroantonius on Jul 24, 2017 18:29:07 GMT
On the news today
Our top para olympian has failed his drug test and had his medals withdrawn
Apparently he tested positive for WD 40
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2017 18:35:52 GMT
Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. One says to the other " I haven't come this way before", the second one replies "it's great isn't it!!"
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