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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Dec 29, 2021 15:18:05 GMT
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said “Can I help You?” “Yes” she said, “I’d like to report a case of sexual assault”. “Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked. “In the park just down the road” she replied. “Can you describe what happened?” “Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man Jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, Removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way With me”. “Could you give me a description of him?” “Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he Had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on Each leg”. “Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman”, said the Sergeant. “Yes”, said the lady, “He was an England Cricketer”. “That’s very observant”, said the Sergeant, “You worked that out from his Accent?” “No”, she replied. “I worked it out because he wasn’t in for very long”.
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Post by danceswithclams on Dec 29, 2021 15:52:43 GMT
As a personal tribute to David Bowie, I've made an entire tin of Heroes last just for one day.
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Post by maxplonk on Dec 31, 2021 11:17:52 GMT
My neighbour told me he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them.
Personally, I think he torques out of his arse.
🐢💨
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Post by danceswithclams on Dec 31, 2021 17:14:11 GMT
Lou Ottens, inventor of the cassette tape, died at the age of 94 this year.
It was impressive, as many thought he would be lucky to C60.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jan 4, 2022 11:43:40 GMT
My three favourite things……eating my grandkids and not using commas.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jan 4, 2022 11:51:33 GMT
The man who wrote the Hokey Cokey died yesterday………undertakers took 7 hours to get his body into the coffin and close the lid.
And in a breaking story from Scotland…..the owner of Dulux Paint has been found dead on Ben Nevis. Spokesman from local Mountain Rescue Team said that he died from hypothermia and could have done with another coat.
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Post by felonious on Jan 4, 2022 13:27:09 GMT
I missed the International hairdresser of the year contest on TV last night does anyone know if there's any highlights?
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Jan 5, 2022 18:07:34 GMT
The wife asked if I’d seen the dog bowl, I said I didn’t even know he played cricket.
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Jan 5, 2022 18:16:57 GMT
The wife asked if I’d seen the dog bowl, I said I didn’t even know he played cricket. 🤣 shit but brilliant at the same time!
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Jan 5, 2022 18:37:43 GMT
The wife asked if I’d seen the dog bowl, I said I didn’t even know he played cricket. 🤣 shit but brilliant at the same time! Thanks
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jan 7, 2022 6:59:42 GMT
Most people think that T Rexes can't clap because they had short arms, it's actually because they're dead.
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Post by andystokey on Jan 9, 2022 11:01:42 GMT
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf’ !
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Post by stokienorthants on Jan 9, 2022 11:44:21 GMT
Two lions eating a clown the first one turns to the other and says ‘Does this taste funny to you?’
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Jan 10, 2022 17:00:45 GMT
Bumped into the ex wife in the pub on New Years Day, we've been split up for 10 years now. During conversation she asked me "how many women I'd slept with"? I said "only you, all the others have kept me up all night, shagging".
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Post by flea79 on Jan 10, 2022 17:16:17 GMT
a woman goes to see a vicar one day and says " father, i must confess that this morning i called a man a fucking bastard!"
the vicar looks at her and says "dear oh dear, there is no justification for that, what had he done to deserve that/"
the lady replies, "well father he groped my breasts"
The vicar looks back and says "what, like this?" and he gives them a right good grope!
"yes just like that father, it was"
the vicar replied "well its still no use you shouldnt have called a man that"
the woman looks at her feet and says "but father there is more, he gave me one"
the vicar stares at her and says "what like this" and he gives her one, a real good going over
"yes just like that father, it was"
"its still no justification" says the vicar
the woman now very upset says "but he had aids father"
the vicar looks back at her and says "the fucking bastard!"
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Post by deeside2 on Jan 10, 2022 17:29:29 GMT
You do realize that vampires aren't real. Unless you Count Dracula.
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Post by deeside2 on Jan 10, 2022 17:31:09 GMT
I tried to start a professional hide and seek team but it didn't work out. It seems good players are hard to find.
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Post by deeside2 on Jan 10, 2022 17:38:40 GMT
There are three kinds of people, those that can count, and those that can't.
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Post by deeside2 on Jan 10, 2022 17:42:06 GMT
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Jan 10, 2022 18:15:36 GMT
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician. Crikey deeside, how many Christmas crackers did you buy?😉
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Post by teenagefanclub on Jan 10, 2022 18:24:11 GMT
Your mums so slow it took her 9 months to make a joke.
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Post by pretzel on Jan 10, 2022 20:30:32 GMT
Glade are currently working on a mind controlled multi fragrance air freshener.
It makes perfect scents when you think about it.
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Post by Kpsje on Jan 10, 2022 21:18:47 GMT
(((breaking news)))
diane abbott has called for the bbc to stop filming casualty, holby city and doctors so that staff can help out with the omicron variant outbreak.
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Post by 828492 on Jan 10, 2022 22:38:06 GMT
Moyes, Guardiola, Vierra, Klopp, and Arteta are in the pub. Guardiola buys a round of Sangrias and they all enjoy a drink. Then Moyes goes to the bar and buys a round of Whiskeys. Next Vierra goes up and buys a glass of French red wine for everyone because he's a classy guy. When it's Klopp's turn he buys 4 German beers and passes them around to Moyes, Guardiola, Vierra, and Klopp. Arteta says "Excuse me Mr Klopp, but where is my beer?" Klopp says, "Sorry this is the 4th round; you're not in it!"
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jan 11, 2022 8:11:05 GMT
To loose some weight I decided to join the local rambling club. Left after the 3rd meeting…….they just kept going on and on.
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Jan 11, 2022 21:00:58 GMT
(((breaking news))) diane abbott has called for the bbc to stop filming casualty, holby city and doctors so that staff can help out with the omicron variant outbreak. To be fair I reckon Charlie Fairhead could do a job!
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jan 11, 2022 23:10:20 GMT
(((breaking news))) diane abbott has called for the bbc to stop filming casualty, holby city and doctors so that staff can help out with the omicron variant outbreak. To be fair I reckon Charlie Fairhead could do a job! I was dead disappointed when someone said it wasn't a documentary. 😁
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Post by unknown182 on Jan 14, 2022 11:24:44 GMT
They say Prince Andrew can get off on a legal technicality. Is there anything the pervert doesn't find arousing?
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Post by danceswithclams on Jan 14, 2022 12:03:49 GMT
In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I've been saying "muchos" a lot more recently.
It means a lot to them.
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Post by flea79 on Jan 15, 2022 21:39:25 GMT
Prince Andrew calls Prince Charles in a state of confusion
He says “everywhere I go people are calling me port vale and I have no idea why?”
Charles replies “well it’s simple really, they have no titles either”
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