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Post by andystokey on Jan 17, 2022 8:57:18 GMT
A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
“No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “he eats everything in sight, don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The monkey found a cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.
The bartender asked, “Did you see what that filthy ape just did?”
“No, what?” asked the man.
“Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy.
“He’ll eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Jan 18, 2022 13:29:50 GMT
I have just seen an incredibly loud ABBA tribute band in the shopping centre.
You could 'hear the drums from Nando's'
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Post by 828492 on Jan 18, 2022 23:33:58 GMT
I said to my doctor, ‘I have a problem with one of my ears’. He asked, ‘Are you sure? ‘ I said, ‘Yes, I am definite’.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jan 20, 2022 18:25:16 GMT
Doctor: How's the kid doing who swallowed all those coins? Nurse: No change yet, doctor.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Jan 21, 2022 12:51:29 GMT
“My dad has suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.”
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Post by deeside2 on Jan 21, 2022 13:31:16 GMT
I never knew what happiness was until I got married - but by then it was too late !
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Post by klingon on Jan 21, 2022 14:51:01 GMT
With a doffed cap to Frank Skinner:
My GP prescribed me some suppositories. I read the instructions, and it said "Keep out of the reach of children". I thought Christ - how far can they reach?
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Post by danceswithclams on Jan 21, 2022 18:31:15 GMT
Spent a shedload of cash renting a limousine but it didn't come with a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
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Post by auntiegeorge on Jan 21, 2022 21:22:47 GMT
A mate of mine started work as a nurse at the Royal Stoke. I went in to see him and bumped into Matron on the way in. I asked her how Bobby was doing. She said he's very good but does get confused sometimes. For example I asked him to give a patient three pills at one o'clock but instead he gave him one pill at three o'clock. Then I asked him to give a patient two injections at five o'clock but instead he gave her five injections at two o'clock. I'm a bit worried at the moment because I've just asked him to go and prick a man's boil.
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Post by pearo on Jan 22, 2022 21:24:47 GMT
The man who recently received a pig’s heart in a transplant operation has just been interviewed on the radio, I tried to listen but all I could hear was crackling
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Jan 22, 2022 21:32:11 GMT
A mate of mine started work as a nurse at the Royal Stoke. I went in to see him and bumped into Matron on the way in. I asked her how Bobby was doing. She said he's very good but does get confused sometimes. For example I asked him to give a patient three pills at one o'clock but instead he gave him one pill at three o'clock. Then I asked him to give a patient two injections at five o'clock but instead he gave her five injections at two o'clock. I'm a bit worried at the moment because I've just asked him to go and prick a man's boil. 👏🏻
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Post by deeside2 on Jan 23, 2022 6:27:22 GMT
It takes a lot of balls to play golf as badly as I do.
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Post by deeside2 on Jan 23, 2022 6:28:51 GMT
A man knocked on my door asking for a small donation toward the local swimming pool - so I gave him a glass of water.
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Post by deeside2 on Jan 23, 2022 6:31:15 GMT
I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
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Post by klingon on Jan 23, 2022 17:45:37 GMT
There’s nothing worse after sex than looking down and seeing a condom hanging off the end of your nob. Especially if you weren’t wearing one……..
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Post by deeside2 on Jan 24, 2022 5:54:16 GMT
Evening news is where they begin with "Good Evening", and then spend 30 minutes telling you why it isn't.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Jan 24, 2022 16:48:56 GMT
If anybody wants a list of every famous Bugs Bunny quote, I can send it to you as a WhatsApp doc!
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Post by Kpsje on Jan 24, 2022 20:54:13 GMT
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Post by claytonscrubs on Jan 25, 2022 19:02:51 GMT
Two flies are playing football in a saucer. One says to the other, “Make an effort, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow.”
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jan 27, 2022 16:19:29 GMT
An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts…..so the driver accepts and happily munches them.
Every 5 minutes into the journey she gives him a handful more peanuts,
Then the driver says “ Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
The old lady says…”I can’t chew…Look I have no teeth”…
Bus driver…. “Then why do you buy them?”
The old lady…”Oh I just love to suck the chocolate that’s around them”
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Post by felonious on Jan 28, 2022 15:27:03 GMT
A man goes to see his doctor
Doctor: You've got to stop masturbating
Man: Why?
Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Jan 28, 2022 16:37:17 GMT
“I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.”
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jan 28, 2022 16:41:47 GMT
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Post by danceswithclams on Jan 28, 2022 16:53:22 GMT
My experiments in the field of cloning have finally paid off.
I'm so excited, I'm beside myself.
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Post by deeside2 on Jan 28, 2022 17:17:14 GMT
What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog ?
After six months the dog is still excited when you come home.
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Post by deeside2 on Jan 28, 2022 17:21:23 GMT
I own a copy of the world's worst Thesaurus - not only is it awful, it's awful.
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Post by pretzel on Jan 28, 2022 22:22:09 GMT
What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog ? After six months the dog is still excited when you come home. What's the difference between a new wife and a new job? After six months your job will still suck.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Jan 29, 2022 16:55:12 GMT
After six kids, Mary feels a little loose "down there" and decides to treat herself to some cosmetic surgery to tidy up. When she comes to from the anaesthetic after the procedure, she finds two bouquets of flowers in her room. The nurse tells her that the first is "from your loving husband, who's looking forward to you coming home." Mary asks about the second bouquet. "That's from Gerald in the burns unit," the nurse says. "He's thrilled with his new ears."
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Post by danceswithclams on Feb 4, 2022 12:10:11 GMT
I’ve started a dating app for chickens.
It’s not my main job though, just to makes hens meet.
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Post by lordb on Feb 4, 2022 12:51:42 GMT
I’ve started a dating app for chickens. It’s not my main job though, just to makes hens meet. booooooooooooo
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