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Post by maxplonk on Nov 23, 2021 21:38:05 GMT
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
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Post by maxplonk on Nov 23, 2021 21:38:26 GMT
He: The doc said I could touch myself whenever I want to.
She: What he actually said was that you could have a stroke at any moment!
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Post by wrighter on Nov 24, 2021 9:20:48 GMT
Man goes into a pet shop " Good morning, do you sell wasps ? " " No sorry sir we dont " " You sure, you have one in the windpw "
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Nov 25, 2021 18:24:20 GMT
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. “Are you the manager?”, she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no” the man replies. “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. “I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?” “Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Ah..what should I tell him?” the bartender manages to squeak. “Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”
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Post by maxplonk on Nov 26, 2021 7:38:15 GMT
A friend of mine always helps me with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean... The guy is a legend!
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Post by unknown182 on Nov 26, 2021 7:59:54 GMT
An group of archaeologists gathered to find the lower leg bone of an ancient man.
It was a real shindig.
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Post by danceswithclams on Nov 26, 2021 9:16:43 GMT
The Beach Boys walk into a pub.
"Round?"
"Round."
"Get a round."
"I'll get a round."
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Post by Rednwhitenblue on Nov 26, 2021 14:41:05 GMT
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Post by heworksardtho on Nov 26, 2021 18:34:50 GMT
Jack and the Beanstalk Panto has been cancelled this Xmas In Bradford, Oldham , Burnley , Leicester and luton as the Gisnt couldn’t smell any Englishmen ……….. (joke ) not racist
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Post by andystokey on Nov 26, 2021 19:09:25 GMT
I joined a Carpenters class a couple of weeks ago although I haven't made anything yet ... we've only just begun.
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Post by OldStokie on Nov 26, 2021 20:41:21 GMT
A friend of mine always helps me with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean... The guy is a legend! Methinks that may be too difficult for some. OS.
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Post by marylandstoke on Nov 26, 2021 21:07:25 GMT
A friend of mine always helps me with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean... The guy is a legend! Methinks that may be too difficult for some. OS. How very condescending……by the way, if you don’t know what condescending is it’s when you talk down to people.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2021 5:32:14 GMT
Methinks that may be too difficult for some. OS. How very condescending……by the way, if you don’t know what condescending is it’s when you talk down to people. I still don't get the nun and soap one so I can't talk
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Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 27, 2021 9:34:35 GMT
Decided to join our local rambling club few weeks ago but left as they just keep going on and on about nothing.
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dogso
Academy Starlet
Posts: 229
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Post by dogso on Nov 27, 2021 11:34:45 GMT
Me and the missus have finally made it into the Guinness Book of Records for having the most washing hung out on the line.
It's all been a lot to take in
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Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 28, 2021 10:33:42 GMT
Patient….Doctor I have a problem with my hearing
Doctor……ok what are the symptoms
Patient ………Marj has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy likes beer.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Nov 28, 2021 11:25:52 GMT
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
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Post by Clayton Wood on Nov 29, 2021 9:34:57 GMT
Just started reading How they built the Titanic. Can't put it down, it's riveting.
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Post by maxplonk on Nov 29, 2021 17:03:45 GMT
Don't fat-shame people. They already have enough on their plate.
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Post by felonious on Nov 29, 2021 18:39:52 GMT
Some years back my lad's under 10s footy side went to Styal womens prison for a training session by a couple of the inmates who were about to get their level one coaching badge as part of a community scheme but needed a live team to coach. Part way through the session a huge roar of laughter went up from the middle of the football field so afterwards the parents asked what was so funny, here's the conversation.
First 9 year old. Do you have Playstations? Inmate. No Second 9 year old. That's a good job you'd be playing Grand theft auto all day.
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Post by heworksardtho on Nov 29, 2021 19:30:13 GMT
No Gritters this year , because black ice matters
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Post by pretzel on Nov 29, 2021 21:46:34 GMT
A photographer was killed today when a huge pile of cheddar fell on him.
To be fair, the people he was photographing did try to warn him.
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Post by broadwayroundabout on Nov 29, 2021 23:48:26 GMT
A photographer was killed today when a huge pile of cheddar fell on him. To be fair, the people he was photographing did try to warn him. Took a few minutes😂
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Post by maxplonk on Nov 30, 2021 5:35:32 GMT
My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.
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Post by maxplonk on Nov 30, 2021 9:58:19 GMT
A photographer was killed today when a huge pile of cheddar fell on him. To be fair, the people he was photographing did try to warn him. Took a few minutes😂 Took me a lot longer.
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Post by danceswithclams on Dec 3, 2021 23:11:24 GMT
An anti-vaxx conspiracy theorist, a Q-Anon conspiracy theorist, and flat earth conspiracy theorist walk into a bar.
Do your own research - there's no way that's a coincidence.
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Post by andystokey on Dec 3, 2021 23:15:06 GMT
Saw a mate of mine the other day dressed as a mime artist. I thought, “He’s kept that quiet.”
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Post by marylandstoke on Dec 4, 2021 11:54:15 GMT
I have a friend who hate jazz and The Japanese.
Every 7th of December he goes out and tries to bomb Pearl Bailey.
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Post by lordb on Dec 4, 2021 17:53:07 GMT
An anti-vaxx conspiracy theorist, a Q-Anon conspiracy theorist, and flat earth conspiracy theorist walk into a bar. Do your own research - there's no way that's a coincidence. Nah that's only one person
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Post by maxplonk on Dec 7, 2021 13:07:49 GMT
Plastic surgery used to be something of a taboo subject. Now, you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
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