|
Post by Clayton Wood on Oct 3, 2021 10:06:55 GMT
|
|
|
Post by harryburrows on Oct 8, 2021 8:31:52 GMT
|
|
|
Post by harryburrows on Oct 8, 2021 8:48:47 GMT
2 old friends were going for a walk in the forest , as they walk into a clearing a huge bear appeared in front of them. Oh my god cried one of the men . He fell to his knees and ask God to forgive all his past sins . The other guy fell to his knees and asked God to let him run as fast as is humanly possible. That's ridiculous said the first man you can't possibly out run a bear . The second man said I dont need to outrun the bear
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Oct 8, 2021 9:39:33 GMT
My wife worships me like God.
She generally doesn't speak to me and only talks to me when she wants something.
|
|
|
Post by cerebralstokie on Oct 8, 2021 9:40:00 GMT
There was a young girl from Madras, Who had the most wonderful ass. Not rounded and pink As you probably think. But grey, with long ears and eats grass.
|
|
|
Post by danceswithclams on Oct 8, 2021 10:14:52 GMT
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Oct 15, 2021 8:12:11 GMT
Two priests are discussing the benefits of cycling. They agree to each delivering a sermon on Sunday highlighting that cycling is beneficial to health and mind, is carbon free and allows time to connect with God.
On the Monday the first priest rings the second and says his sermon went down well and had a positive impact on the congregation. The second priest says he had the same reaction but sadly when he went for his bike this morning it had gone.
"After all you said, how could someone steal your bike?" "I know, it's not the bike but the sadness that someone, who knows how much cycling means to me, could do this." The line goes quiet then the 1st priest says. "Tell you what, this Sunday deliver a sermon on the Ten Commandments, all fire and brimstone like, and when you get to thou shalt not steal, pause and look for a guilty face. They're bound to confess" "Good idea, I'll give it a try."
The next day the first priest calls back, "Did it work?" "Sort of. When I got to thou shalt not commit adultery I suddenly remembered where I'd left my bike."
|
|
|
Post by alsagerstokie on Oct 22, 2021 18:46:32 GMT
Midgets you have to hand it to them because they cant reach it themselves.
|
|
|
Post by Kpsje on Oct 22, 2021 19:31:44 GMT
|
|
|
Post by harryburrows on Oct 23, 2021 2:58:08 GMT
So I was in the supermarket recently and this very attractive woman said to me i think you're the father of one of my children. I thought this must be the time I was unfaithful to my wife whilst drunk one weekend. Were you that stripper at the stag do that took all my clothes off on stage dressed me in your underwear then used a strap on on me the gave be a blow job then fucked my brains out in the ladies ?? Definitely not she says I'm your child's teacher at the infant school
|
|
|
Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Oct 28, 2021 17:53:39 GMT
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. So they loaded up John's van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. ‘I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago' ‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit' 'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name' Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask' ‘She just died and left me everything.'
|
|
|
Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Oct 28, 2021 17:54:46 GMT
Little Billy hears moaning sounds and walks into his mum and dads bedroom.. he sees his dad's cock slipping in and out of his mum's arsehole.. he screams 'Dad! What's going on here?!' Dad quickly covers everything up with the sheets and says 'For god's sake Billy! we're just playing. Go to your room and I'll tuck you in a few minutes.' After a few minutes Dad hears moaning sounds, he goes into Billy's bedroom and he sees that Billy is having sex with his grandmother. Dad says 'Jesus Christ Billy what're you doing!?' Billy says 'Not so funny when it's your mum is it!?'
|
|
|
Post by Rednwhitenblue on Oct 28, 2021 18:11:16 GMT
|
|
|
Post by maxplonk on Oct 28, 2021 19:23:10 GMT
What do you call security guards on duty outside a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.
|
|
|
Post by FbrgVaStkFan on Oct 31, 2021 19:34:35 GMT
Not sure this constitutes a joke or not, but was flipping through the channels and landed on ESPN. They're showing a game of tag right now. Seriously, and I thought poker on TV was bad enough.
|
|
|
Post by thehartshillbadger on Oct 31, 2021 21:52:43 GMT
Not sure this constitutes a joke or not, but was flipping through the channels and landed on ESPN. They're showing a game of tag right now. Seriously, and I thought poker on TV was bad enough. Saw that the other week, thought it was quite entertaining in a “got fuck all else to do” kinda way
|
|
|
Post by FbrgVaStkFan on Oct 31, 2021 23:37:31 GMT
Not sure this constitutes a joke or not, but was flipping through the channels and landed on ESPN. They're showing a game of tag right now. Seriously, and I thought poker on TV was bad enough. Saw that the other week, thought it was quite entertaining in a “got fuck all else to do” kinda way You need to go to the mirror and take a long look at yourself. Then ask yourself shamefully "What have I become?" That being said, I could watch it over tennis.
|
|
|
Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 1, 2021 7:42:18 GMT
Not sure this constitutes a joke or not, but was flipping through the channels and landed on ESPN. They're showing a game of tag right now. Seriously, and I thought poker on TV was bad enough. Saw that the other week, thought it was quite entertaining in a “got fuck all else to do” kinda way Reminds me of when I served in the Falklands years ago. Falkland Islands Broadcasting Service (FIBS Radio) used to broadcast live darts on Friday evenings. Thud….thud….thud ….180. Riveting stuff.
|
|
|
Post by maxplonk on Nov 2, 2021 15:52:56 GMT
|
|
|
Post by scfc1863 on Nov 2, 2021 17:16:38 GMT
Research shows that since lockdown, interest in origami has risen tenfold. (Courtesy of Steve Wright Show)
|
|
|
Post by teenagefanclub on Nov 2, 2021 18:31:03 GMT
Research shows that since lockdown, interest in origami has risen tenfold. (Courtesy of Steve Wright Show) Interestingly I received my letter this morning in the post saying that I was not eligible to enter the 2022 Origami World championships, I don't know what to make of it if I'm honest.
|
|
|
Post by lordb on Nov 2, 2021 22:29:20 GMT
Research shows that since lockdown, interest in origami has risen tenfold. (Courtesy of Steve Wright Show) Interestingly I received my letter this morning in the post saying that I was not eligible to enter the 2022 Origami World championships, I don't know what to of it if I'm honest. Stay at home and watch on SKY Paper view mind...
|
|
|
Post by spiderpuss on Nov 3, 2021 20:05:42 GMT
Interestingly I received my letter this morning in the post saying that I was not eligible to enter the 2022 Origami World championships, I don't know what to of it if I'm honest. Stay at home and watch on SKY Paper view mind... Watch what? The poker? I hear most players just fold.
|
|
|
Post by danceswithclams on Nov 19, 2021 16:35:34 GMT
Did you hear about the non-binary prospector?
They found gold in them/their hills.
|
|
|
Post by andystokey on Nov 19, 2021 17:28:42 GMT
I went into the local bakers and all the cakes were 50p, except one which was a pound. When I asked him why he said "that's Madeira cake"
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2021 18:56:44 GMT
I went into the local bakers and all the cakes were 50p, except one which was a pound. When I asked him why he said "that's Madeira cake" That's so utterly shocking I love it
|
|
|
Post by dexta on Nov 19, 2021 18:59:31 GMT
I went into the local bakers and all the cakes were 50p, except one which was a pound. When I asked him why he said "that's Madeira cake" That's so utterly shocking I love it it's fuckin terrible
|
|
|
Post by alsagerstokie on Nov 22, 2021 21:51:10 GMT
I walked into the chippy with a Salmon under my arm. I said do you sell fish cakes. Yes came the reply. Grand i said coz its this ones birthday.
|
|
|
Post by thehartshillbadger on Nov 22, 2021 22:05:07 GMT
I walked into the chippy with a Salmon under my arm. I said do you sell fish cakes. Yes came the reply. Grand i said coz its this ones birthday. That’s worse than your last one! And that takes some doing!😉
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Nov 22, 2021 22:29:40 GMT
I was playing darts down my local last night. I'd gone double top, double top and had just thrown my third arrow when the Mother Superior from the convent next door, who was collecting for charity, walked across me. It was too late, and the 3rd dart hit her in the head.
The scorer called out: "one nun dead and eighty"
|
|