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Post by scfc1863 on Mar 27, 2021 17:32:55 GMT
Mate "I've got a lizard that gets up on it's back legs and starts telling jokes"
Me "You've got a lizard that gets up on it's back legs and starts telling jokes? "
Mate "Yeah, he's a stand-up chameleon".
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Post by lawrieleslie on Mar 28, 2021 9:07:59 GMT
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Post by chuffedstokie on Mar 28, 2021 11:02:49 GMT
"A blue whales excrement can weigh up to four tonnes, making it the second largest piece of shit in the world, behind Fratton Park".
-Sir David Attenborough-.
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Post by flea79 on Mar 29, 2021 10:30:41 GMT
a priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit, " what will you have?"
the rabbit says " i dunno, im only here beacuse of autocorrect!"
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Post by independent on Mar 29, 2021 13:53:46 GMT
The wife asked me to stop singing The Monkees "I'm a Believer". I thought she was joking "Then I Saw Her Face"
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Post by Clayton Wood on Apr 2, 2021 8:34:20 GMT
Doctor: I'm sorry to say you are suffering from extreme magnesium depletion. Patient: 0mg.
******
A woman goes into the hairdressers, and as usual, is asked if she has any holidays booked (pre Covid of course) "Yes we're going to Rome." "Who you flying with?" "BA" "They're crap, dodgy old planes, ancient ugly cabin crew, never on time." "We're staying at the Hotel Celeste on the banks of the Tiber." "Know it well. Over priced, shit food and terrible rooms." "Second day we're off to see the Pope." "You'll be lucky, so will a million others. You won't get within 500 yards of him. He'll be just about visible on the big screen."
A month later she's back in the hairdressers. "Good holiday?" "Yes thanks. We got a brand new plane and, as it was overbooked we were bumped up to first class, and Richard, the dishy steward, waited on me personally. The hotel was opening the day we got there after a £5m refurb. We we given the Honeymoon suite at no extra cost as we were the first guests in the swanky refurbed hotel. Next day we went to the Vatican and unknown to us the Pope asks for a few visitors to be taken to his chambers to be blessed in person. We were so lucky to be taken personally by the Swiss Guard in to meet him. I knelt before him and he placed his hand on my head and spoke a few words." "What'd he say?" "Who fucked up your hair?"
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Post by scfc1863 on Apr 2, 2021 11:19:51 GMT
Last year a bloke down at the allotments told me to try a bit of horse manure on my strawberries.
Wasn't too impressed to be honest, think I'll stick to whipped cream this year.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Apr 2, 2021 11:44:37 GMT
Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar?
He got twelve months.
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Post by danceswithclams on Apr 2, 2021 15:45:58 GMT
I lent my oversized railway clock to a friend but he managed to lose it.
He owes me big time.
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Post by redstriper on Apr 4, 2021 10:31:07 GMT
my neighbour was bragging about his new hearing aid, its the very latest tech, and the worlds smallest, virtually invisible he said, showing my wife his ear.
wow that's amazing she said, what did you pay for it ?
"half past ten" he replied....
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Post by marylandstoke on Apr 6, 2021 19:50:12 GMT
my neighbour was bragging about his new hearing aid, its the very latest tech, and the worlds smallest, virtually invisible he said, showing my wife his ear. wow that's amazing she said, what did you pay for it ? "half past ten" he replied.... Two rock sound engineers on a train Is this Wembley No, it’s Thursday ooo So am I, let’s go for a pint.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2021 11:38:17 GMT
A Scotsman, a Welshman, an Irishman and an Englishman were captured while fighting in a foreign war.
Their situation is quite desperate when the leader of their captors suddenly announces, “As enemies of our people, you will all be shot by firing squad. You’ll each be shot in turn. However we’re civilised people, so first you’ll each be allowed a final request.”
The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to hear ‘Flower of Scotland’ played ten times by the Band of the Scots Guards, to remind me of happy days in bonny Scotland.” He then shouts, “Scotland forever!”
The Welshman says, “Well I’d like to hear ‘Men of Harlech’ sung ten times by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir to remind me of the green, green grass of home and those happy times when I lived in the Valleys.” He then shouts, “God bless the Land of my Fathers!”
The Irishman, not to be outdone, says, “For me I want to hear ‘Danny Boy’ sung ten times by Daniel O’Donnell to remind me of the Emerald Isle”. Then, taking his lead from his Celtic cousins he shouts, “Éirinn go Brách.”
The leader of their captors then looks at the Englishman who’s remained very quiet up to this point. “So Englishman, what’s your request?” he says.
The Englishman responds, “I’d like to be shot first.”
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Post by murphthesurf on Apr 7, 2021 19:40:41 GMT
A Scotsman, a Welshman, an Irishman and an Englishman were captured while fighting in a foreign war. The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to hear ‘Flower of Scotland’ played ten times by the Band of the Scots Guards, to remind me of happy days in bonny Scotland.” He then shouts, “Scotland forever!” The Welshman says, “Well I’d like to hear ‘Men of Harlech’ sung ten times by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir to remind me of the green, green grass of home and those happy times when I lived in the Valleys.” He then shouts, “God bless the Land of my Fathers!” The Irishman, not to be outdone, says, “For me I want to hear ‘Danny Boy’ sung by Daniel O’Donnell to remind me of the Emerald Isle”. Then, taking his lead from his Celtic cousins he shouts, “Éirinn go Brách.” The leader of their captors then looks at the Englishman who’s remained very quiet up to this point. “So Englishman, what’s your request?” he says. The Englishman responds, “I’d like to be shot first.”
Not difficult to see why.......
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Post by pretzel on Apr 7, 2021 20:39:01 GMT
N V B K I T H E K L O P F I N V E N T O R Z S F O F T H E E F G H J I O L P L Y S W O R D Q F P N O D S I W S E A R C H L E C H Y H A S J P O Z D I E D G W
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Post by flea79 on Apr 8, 2021 7:59:49 GMT
N V B K I T H E K L O P F I N V E N T O R Z S F O F T H E E F G H J I O L P L Y S W O R D Q F P N O D S I W S E A R C H L E C H Y H A S J P O Z D I E D G W this took far too long to work out!
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Post by Clayton Wood on Apr 9, 2021 8:25:57 GMT
I was devastated last night when my wife told me our 6 year old son wasn't actually mine. I agreed to pay more attention on today's school run. ***********
A couple go on holiday to Jerusalem (green list?). While they are there the wife unexpectedly dies. He finds a local undertaker who informs him she can be buried there in the Holy Land for £150, or shipped back home for £5,000. The man thinks for a few seconds and opts for having her shipped home. The undertaker asks, 'Why would yo want to pay £5,000 to send her home when she could have a beautiful burial, here in the seat of Christianity, for £150? He replies, 'A couple of thousand years ago a guy died here, was buried and three days later rose from the dead. I can't take the risk.'
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Apr 9, 2021 8:57:50 GMT
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes.
We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Apr 9, 2021 8:59:21 GMT
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven’t heard from him since.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2021 12:25:25 GMT
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you."
In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me"
The parrot replied, "Yes."
Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence."
The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesus."
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Post by danceswithclams on Apr 9, 2021 15:01:39 GMT
When the Mrs told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...
I had to put my foot down.
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Post by pretzel on Apr 9, 2021 19:01:17 GMT
I failed the exam to become a qualified ventriloquist today
I can't say I'm surprised
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Post by Clayton Wood on Apr 16, 2021 8:04:18 GMT
Mi6 had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the Mi6 agent took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances . Inside the room you will find your wife sitting on a chair. Kill her."
"You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes,
"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home"
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another.
Then screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said.
"I had to kill him with the chair"
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Post by danceswithclams on Apr 16, 2021 9:26:48 GMT
My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge.
We’ll see about that.
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Post by danceswithclams on Apr 23, 2021 9:14:58 GMT
My Mrs said we should split up because I keep pretending to be a detective.
"Great idea," I said. "We can cover more ground that way."
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Post by maxplonk on Apr 23, 2021 9:48:36 GMT
I bought one of those “smart” light switches but it was much too clever........
So I replaced it with a dimmer switch.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Apr 23, 2021 12:32:11 GMT
I was blessed with a 9" penis.
The vicar is serving 15 years now.
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Post by pretzel on Apr 23, 2021 20:29:13 GMT
What's got a face, two hands and eight tentacles?
Yeah you guessed it, a clocktopus
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Post by Clayton Wood on Apr 30, 2021 7:57:46 GMT
My wife has filed a complaint of sexual harassment at work to her employer. I told her what did you expect working from home during lock down?
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Post by danceswithclams on Apr 30, 2021 11:00:07 GMT
The bloke who invented Velcro has died.
RIP
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Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2021 12:12:01 GMT
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
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