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Post by PotterLog on Mar 13, 2021 4:38:43 GMT
Ive been dating this Girl that works in M&s but after 3 dates ive ended it. Why? because after 3 dates she still wouldn't let me try anything on. I never get this one. Surely someone whose working experience was in a clothing store where they have changing rooms specifically for people to try on garments *would*, quite conspicuously, let you try something on? Encourage it, even? It’s quite a good joke. It just makes no sense.
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Post by maxplonk on Mar 13, 2021 8:39:14 GMT
Breaking media news: Arthur Bostrom to replace Piers Morgan at Good Moaning Britain.
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Post by maxplonk on Mar 13, 2021 8:40:13 GMT
Bit of a mystery down at my allotment where there is now twice as much soil as before.....
....the plot thickens.
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Post by redstriper on Mar 13, 2021 9:46:54 GMT
A manc, a rasta and a scouser were waiting outside the birthing rooms when a doctor comes in and says - "the good news is there's three healthy babies, but unfortunately we have had a mix up and we aren't sure which belongs to whom. You'll have to come in one at a time and work it out for yourselves".
The manc goes in first and comes out with a beautiful brown skinned child, to which the rasta says - "surely that's mine" ?... the manc says "sorry mate - but one of the other two is scouser".
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2021 19:20:13 GMT
Two mates waiting to be interviewed for two job vacancies.
First lad goes in and the interviewer asks “If I covered one eye, what would you be”?
Answers “half blind”.
“And if I covered both eyes”?
“Totaly blind”.
“Well done, you’ve got the job”.
Mate goes outside and tells his pal the story and says they answers are “half-blind” and “totally blind”.
Mate 2 is called in and is asked “if I cut off one ear, what would you be”?
“Half-blind” is the reply
“And both ears”?
“Totally blind”
Confused, the interview asks “How that would be the case”?
“Well my hat would fall over my eyes”!!!
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Post by scfc1863 on Mar 13, 2021 23:03:02 GMT
Last winter a cyclist got knocked off his bike by a salt wagon,
"IDIOT" he shouted through gritted teeth.
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Post by scfc1863 on Mar 13, 2021 23:07:57 GMT
Sad story of a glass blower who sucked instead of blew, ...... now got a pane in his stomach.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Mar 14, 2021 8:02:28 GMT
Wee Jock McTavish, a well known painter and decorator from Fort William, has sadly been found dead from exposure on nearby Ben Nevis. Spokesperson from local Mountain Rescue Service said that he really could have done with another coat...
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Post by maxplonk on Mar 15, 2021 7:27:54 GMT
I told my friend that I’ve always fancied Beyoncé.
He said; “Whatever floats your boat”
I replied “No - that’s buoyancy”
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Post by heworksardtho on Mar 18, 2021 9:26:27 GMT
What is it Doctor , a boy or a girl We’re not allowed to assume the gender anymore But it’s got a cock
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Post by pretzel on Mar 18, 2021 15:55:33 GMT
So, I took this girl from Liverpool out to a vegetarian restaurant. I said, “Do you like avocado?” She said, “No, I ain’t even passed me driving test yet”. .... Don't worry, this one took me a while as well
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Post by marylandstoke on Mar 18, 2021 18:29:36 GMT
Why should you never trust stairs? They are always up to something. An escalator that breaks down just becomes stairs.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Mar 18, 2021 20:13:44 GMT
AstraZeneca under fire after 1 of the 17 million recipients gets hit by a bus after receiving the second jab.
(shamelessly nicked).
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2021 3:19:04 GMT
So, I took this girl from Liverpool out to a vegetarian restaurant. I said, “Do you like avocado?” She said, “No, I ain’t even passed me driving test yet”. .... Don't worry, this one took me a while as well It's the Nun and soap joke all over again. Nope lost on me
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Mar 19, 2021 6:26:45 GMT
So, I took this girl from Liverpool out to a vegetarian restaurant. I said, “Do you like avocado?” She said, “No, I ain’t even passed me driving test yet”. .... Don't worry, this one took me a while as well It's the Nun and soap joke all over again. Nope lost on me ”Have a car though” in a Scouse accent sounds like avocado🤷🏻♂️
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Post by chuffedstokie on Mar 19, 2021 9:57:39 GMT
Just been asked by a group of teenagers outside Co-op if would get them 20 Richmond. As I was alone I reluctantly agreed to get them. When I handed them over you should have heard the aggressive abuse they gave me!. So I told them straight, "next time get your own bloody sausages".
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Post by lawrieleslie on Mar 19, 2021 11:04:43 GMT
Went to a cafe for a coffee.... Can I have a skinny latte Sorry sir thats an insult to our fatter patronage Ok can I have a flat white Sorry sir that offends our less well off patronage Alright give me a milky white No can do sir that’s white supremism at its worst Ok just give me a Mocca Sir that’s even worse than milky white. Just give me a black coffee then. SECURITY!!!
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Post by danceswithclams on Mar 19, 2021 11:49:32 GMT
POP FACT: The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight by Tight Fit is never more than a whim away.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2021 12:50:09 GMT
A pregnant woman went into hospital and during labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “It's perfectly normal - those are just contractions.”
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Post by Clayton Wood on Mar 19, 2021 13:47:41 GMT
My wife just left me saying I was obsessed with football and she couldn't stick it anymore.
I was quite upset. We'd been together 12 seasons and a cup final.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Mar 19, 2021 14:42:59 GMT
In a freak accident today a photographer was killed when a giant piece of Stilton fell on him. To be fair, the subjects of the shoot did try to warn him.
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Post by scfc1863 on Mar 20, 2021 14:58:07 GMT
Woman shouts to husband, "I'm off to work now dear, I've left you a list of half a dozen jobs to do, bye"
She returns that evening, looks at the list, only numbers one, three and five have been crossed off.
"Why have you only done half of the list?" she asks him.
"You know very well I'm only an odd job man" he reply's.
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Post by Goonie on Mar 20, 2021 18:42:11 GMT
Day late:
Bloke: My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back?
Bloke: my girlfriend said do I look fat in these jeans?
Bloke says: will you promise not to get angry despite what I say?
Girlfriend: yes
Ok then. I shagged your sister last night
😂
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Post by maxplonk on Mar 26, 2021 7:16:09 GMT
My wife totally changed when she became a vegan...
It's like I never knew herbivore.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Mar 26, 2021 10:06:13 GMT
I built a model of Mount Everest in the shed last week. My son asked, 'is it to scale?' 'No, it's to look at.'
Why do Danish warships have a barcode on the side? So they can Scandinavian.
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Post by thfc67 on Mar 26, 2021 11:18:39 GMT
As I get older I find I only need 3 shops. Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.
My life is just specs and drugs and sausage rolls.
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Post by danceswithclams on Mar 26, 2021 12:09:52 GMT
Can't take my dog for a walk round the lake any more as the ducks keep trying to bite him.
Should have know this'd happen though - he's pure bread.
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Post by marylandstoke on Mar 26, 2021 12:14:40 GMT
As I get older I find I only need 3 shops. Specsavers, Boots and Greggs. My life is just specs and drugs and sausage rolls. Well, that’s completely screwed that song for me for the rest of my life.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Mar 26, 2021 22:38:34 GMT
A psychiatrist is conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their kids. "You all have obsessions" he observes. "You" he says to the first mother "You're obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy". He turns to the second mum,Your obsession is money, it shows in your childs name, Penny". He goes to the third mother,"Your obsession is alcohol this too shows in your childs name, "Brandy". The fourth mother quietly gets up and whispers to her boy "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about let's pick Willy up from school".
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Mar 27, 2021 8:42:23 GMT
Sometimes I wake up grumpy.
But other times I let her have a lie in.
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