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Post by yeokel on May 7, 2021 10:59:51 GMT
Keir Starmer as Labour Leader.
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Post by danceswithclams on May 7, 2021 11:38:22 GMT
Went to the national helium museum the other day...
Can't speak highly enough about it.
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Post by dutchstokie on May 7, 2021 11:41:53 GMT
My girlfriends so fat, when she walked past the TV the other day I missed 3 episodes of Top Gear
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Post by Clayton Wood on May 7, 2021 12:43:13 GMT
Keir Starmer* is run over and killed by a truck. He gets to the Pearly gates and is met by St Peter. 'Oh,' says Peter, 'we've never had a leader of the opposition before, I'll have to go and check upstairs and see what to do' 'But I want to come in.' Bemoans Starmer. Peter disappears and come back a couple of minutes later. 'Right, the top man says you've got to try 24 hours in Hell first, then 24 hours in Heaven. Then we can decide which suits you best. They step into a lift and descend into the bowels of Hell. The doors open and Starmer steps out onto a golf course He's invited into the clubhouse for free food and beer, served by attentive waitresses Old friend appear and he chats as he plays a storming round of golf including a hole in one A chauffer collects him and takes him to a plush hotel The time has flown by and after a sauna it's time to go back He's taken up to heaven where he spends a day flitting between clouds, listening to harp music and a choir of angels Peter reappears 'You know,' says Starmer, 'I think I'd rather go to Hell Peter escorts him in the lift and the doors open. It's baking hot, dusty and raggedly dressed people with festering boils are collecting shit by hand and stuffing it in bin bags The stench is overwhelming in the heat The Devil approaches and says, 'Welcome.' 'What's this? It wasn't like this yesterday' 'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today we've got your vote'
*Other obnoxious candidates are available
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Post by innocentbystander on May 7, 2021 22:04:27 GMT
'Oh,' says Peter, 'we've never had a leader of the opposition before John Smith?
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Post by Clayton Wood on May 14, 2021 8:34:41 GMT
My wife asked me which of her friends I want to have a threesome with. Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to pick two of them.
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Post by danceswithclams on May 14, 2021 8:58:32 GMT
I bought one of those Time Delay airfreshners but it just made my house smell like chlorine and bumming.
On closer inspection it turns out I'd bought a Tom Daley airfreshner.
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Post by redstriper on May 14, 2021 16:18:49 GMT
I was in Cheshire Oaks Debenhams at the closing down sale earlier... I picked up a duvet cover at exactly the same moment a woman made a grab for it. She looked at me and said "I'll toss you for it".... I said, "wow, you must want it pretty badly!".... she rolled her eyes and said "i meant with a coin"...
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on May 14, 2021 16:44:22 GMT
Rang a bloke to buy a snake. I said "Is it long?"
He said "Yes it's long."
I said "How many feet?"
He said "None, it's a snake."
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Post by chuffedstokie on May 14, 2021 17:42:48 GMT
The wife just called me a sex machine.
Her actual words were "you're a fucking tool", but I know what she meant.
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Post by heworksardtho on May 16, 2021 15:05:21 GMT
Think I’ve got the indian variant so gonna ring in Sikh tomorrow
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Post by scfcwebby on May 16, 2021 15:37:31 GMT
BREAKING: Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced that due to the new Indian covid variant people will now be offered the Pun jab. Please start taking this Indian Covid Variant seriously !! my neighbour caught it and has been in a korma for a week and he's only just buried his naan.
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Post by lawrieleslie on May 17, 2021 14:34:03 GMT
Spent a week touring Wales and visited Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch . It was very impressive so when we got to Llandudno I told the Mrs I was going to get the name Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch tattooed on my todger. I came out of the parlour the mrs asked if it went alright. I said yes but I had to settle for Rhyl.
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Post by wagsastokie on May 18, 2021 13:15:46 GMT
Spent a week touring Wales and visited Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch . It was very impressive so when we got to Llandudno I told the Mrs I was going to get the name Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch tattooed on my todger. I came out of the parlour the mrs asked if it went alright. I said yes but I had to settle for Rhyl. Llandudno That reminds me when it’s cold mine reads ludo
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Post by marylandstoke on May 18, 2021 14:06:11 GMT
Spent a week touring Wales and visited Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch . It was very impressive so when we got to Llandudno I told the Mrs I was going to get the name Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch tattooed on my todger. I came out of the parlour the mrs asked if it went alright. I said yes but I had to settle for Rhyl. Went to the loo at our local pub. I said the the wife, you will never believe it but, that man over there was next to me at the urinals and he has OK tattooed on his penis. She said that’s funny, when I saw it had Oklahoma bowling champion 2004/5
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2021 16:55:05 GMT
I was walking down the street today when a vehicle recovery truck driver pulled up alongside me and said, “Excuse me, I’m looking for the accident site involving a van carrying a load of cutlery.”
“No problem,” I said. “Go straight down this road for 1 mile, then take the first left, and when you get to the fork in the road you’re there.”
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Post by pretzel on May 18, 2021 19:08:10 GMT
A while back, our budgie escaped from his cage and before we could stop him, he'd had sex with our dog.
So if anyone fancies a puppy going cheap, give me a call.
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Post by marylandstoke on May 18, 2021 20:15:25 GMT
A while back, our budgie escaped from his cage and before we could stop him, he'd had sex with our dog. So if anyone fancies a puppy going cheap, give me a call. My budgies love this joke.
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Post by pretzel on May 18, 2021 20:28:41 GMT
A while back, our budgie escaped from his cage and before we could stop him, he'd had sex with our dog. So if anyone fancies a puppy going cheap, give me a call. My budgies love this joke. They've probably already re-tweeted it
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Post by Clayton Wood on May 21, 2021 7:48:41 GMT
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.” The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.” The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that deceitful Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.” The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”
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Post by danceswithclams on May 21, 2021 10:56:24 GMT
For my birthday the Mrs bought me an elephant for my room.
I said "Thanks." She said "Don't mention it."
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Post by Clayton Wood on May 21, 2021 11:03:11 GMT
For my birthday the Mrs bought me an elephant for my room. I said "Thanks." She said "Don't mention it." Where've you been, you're late?
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2021 12:27:04 GMT
Two old ladies who were a little hard of hearing, Agnes and Doreen, are meeting at a café. They’re having a nice chat over cake and coffee when suddenly Agnes remarks, “Um, Doreen, you seem to have a suppository in your left ear…”
Doreen is surprised and fishes the suppository out of her ear, looks at it for a while and sighs, “Well I guess I know where to find my missing hearing aid then.”
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Post by maxplonk on May 21, 2021 17:13:40 GMT
I used to drink all kinds of beer. Now I'm older Budweiser.
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2021 21:32:53 GMT
I used to drink all kinds of beer. Now I'm older Budweiser. 'I took a girl on a brewery tour yesterday'
Anhauser Busch?
Was just a first date to be fair
'
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Post by chuffedstokie on May 22, 2021 11:54:17 GMT
Restaurant toilets are dangerous - so many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!!.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on May 23, 2021 12:34:51 GMT
I went to see Dr. Hook a few years back.
Worst prostate exam ever.
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Post by wagsastokie on May 23, 2021 13:12:09 GMT
I went to see Dr. Hook a few years back. Worst prostate exam ever. Was it done by Sylvia’s mother
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on May 28, 2021 7:18:51 GMT
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says, “Oi - get out! We don’t want your type in here”
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Post by Clayton Wood on May 28, 2021 7:56:52 GMT
I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas'
There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count
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