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Post by TheWacoKid on Feb 19, 2021 8:07:38 GMT
What did the mathematician do when he had constipation?
He worked it all out with a pencil.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Feb 19, 2021 9:32:40 GMT
A man is sent by his employer to work in China for 2 weeks. Ten days in, along way from home in a different culture and with long hours spent alone in his hotel room, he decides to invite a couple of local call girls.
He flies home an next morning and he awakes to find hid dick covered in green and purple spots. Panicked, he goes straight to his GP who examines him.
The Doc says, 'I've never seen anything like this. I'll do some tests and you will have to come back the day after tomorrow for the preliminary results.' The man returns. The Doc says, 'The tests have diagnosed that you have contracted Mongolian VD.' The man blushes slightly and replies, 'OK, Doc, so that's a couple of shots of penicillin then?' 'Erm, no,' says the Doc, 'this strain is 100% resistant to all known Western antibiotics. The only answer is to remove your penis.' 'No!' he cries in anguish, 'I'm going to seek a second opinion.' He goes home, Googles the nearest local Chinese practitioner and heads off to see him The Chinese Doc examines him and declares, 'you have Mongolian VD.' 'I know that! But my GP says he has to remove my penis!' The Chinese Doc laughs and says, 'No, this is just western capitalist medic trying to make fast buck from patient suffering. There is no need to amputate.' 'Thank God for that!' 'No, you leave for 2 more days and it turn black and drop off anyway.'
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Post by danceswithclams on Feb 19, 2021 11:39:58 GMT
My dad always used to say to me "don't be quick to find faults..."
Great bloke, terrible geologist.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Feb 23, 2021 7:38:47 GMT
A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One British Royal Marine is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Royal Marine is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again: "One Royal Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ..... then silence.
Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of the bastards."
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Feb 23, 2021 10:27:15 GMT
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
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Post by marylandstoke on Feb 23, 2021 13:14:08 GMT
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. I can always tell when the mother-in-law is coming over. The mice start throwing themselves on the traps.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Feb 24, 2021 15:19:04 GMT
If, after lockdown, you could choose between taking the Mrs on an exotic foreign holiday or going for a few pints and a steak with the lads what would be your choice...........
Well done, Medium, Medium rare Rare
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Post by Clayton Wood on Feb 26, 2021 10:04:56 GMT
A woman walks into a chemist and asks the pharmacist, 'Can you give me something to poison my husband but make it look like natural causes?' The pharmacist replies, 'Not only can I NOT do that, I'll have to call the police and report you.' The woman reaches into her handbag and hands over an envelope. The pharmacist pulls out the contents to find a photo of her husband shagging his wife. The pharmacist says, 'Of course, you should have told me you had a prescription.'
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Post by danceswithclams on Feb 26, 2021 10:47:45 GMT
How does Mike Tyson get rid of his meth?
By hiring a housekeeper.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Feb 26, 2021 18:30:50 GMT
Had a visit from the Grim Reaper last night, but managed to fight him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
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Post by pretzel on Feb 26, 2021 20:03:23 GMT
What do you call the area in a Nando's between the front entrance and the rear exit?
The peri-perineum
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Post by pretzel on Feb 26, 2021 20:05:37 GMT
I asked my missus to sexually arouse me with her car key last night but she just kept fobbing me off
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Post by chuffedstokie on Mar 3, 2021 10:09:40 GMT
A Yorkshireman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she asked "it smells lovely". So, being the kindhearted Yorkshireman he thought "what the heck, I'll treat her". So they walked past it again.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Mar 5, 2021 9:36:13 GMT
My wife walked in as I was watching internet porn so I quickly switched over to the football. As she walked out she said, 'put the porn back on. You already know how to play football.'
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Post by danceswithclams on Mar 5, 2021 10:00:35 GMT
Just found out I’ve failed my anatomy exam.
I'm not happy about it but I guess I'll just have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Mar 5, 2021 10:12:31 GMT
Just been told my mate has accidentally super-glued himself to his autobiography. That's his story and he's sticking to it.
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Post by pretzel on Mar 5, 2021 10:13:37 GMT
I went to the doctors and explained that I didnt want kids anymore, so he arranged for me to have a vasectomy
It didn't work
When I got home they were still there
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Post by lawrieleslie on Mar 5, 2021 19:49:08 GMT
It’s the wife’s birthday on 12th April the day pubs and restaurants open. So I’m treating her and I’ve booked a table for the evening.......she doesn’t particularly like snooker but at least I’m taking her out.
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Post by The man from Utch on Mar 6, 2021 20:14:53 GMT
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.
Tommy Cooper
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Post by alsagerstokie on Mar 6, 2021 20:50:53 GMT
I once went out with a Sherpa, but I never even got to first base.
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Post by innocentbystander on Mar 6, 2021 22:34:53 GMT
I once went out with a Sherpa, but I never even got to first base. I once went out with a girl who worked in M&S, but she wouldn't let me try anything on.
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Post by Goonie on Mar 9, 2021 7:40:09 GMT
Slept like a log last night...... Woke up in the fireplace. I worked with a bloke down the pit who had to get that joke in every shift for 8 years!
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Post by Clayton Wood on Mar 12, 2021 10:52:49 GMT
Old farmer Giles is in court suing a haulage company for damages caused by one of their drivers. The brief for the defence says, 'is it true that at the scene of the accident you said "I'm fine"'. 'Well I'd just loaded old Neddy, my donkey, into his trailer and...' 'Please answer the question. Did you or did you not say at the scene of the accident, when asked, "I'm fine"'. 'Then I set off down the lane with Neddy in the trailer behind me in my Landy and...' 'Your honour. Would you please instruct the claimant to answer my question. A couple of months ago he said he was fine and now he is bringing a fraudulent claim for damages.' The judge now intrigued by the story instructs the farmer to continue his account. 'And I'd only gone a couple of hundred yards down the lane when an artic pulled out of a side road and drove right through between me and the trailer. Well, I landed in a ditch on one side of the lane and old Neddy in the opposite ditch. I could hear Neddy was in a bad way. Then a patrol car pulled up and the policeman naturally headed straight for the ditch where the groaning was coming from. The office pulled out his humane killer and shot a bolt between Neddy's eyes. Then he came over to me and asked, "are you alright?"
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2021 12:09:19 GMT
Just checked the Cheltenham festival line up
can't be bothered this year, don't recognise any of the bands
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Post by redstriper on Mar 12, 2021 14:41:57 GMT
Just checked the Cheltenham festival line up can't be bothered this year, don't recognise any of the bands I go every year... I'm a 'nam veteran
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2021 15:46:18 GMT
What do you call an epileptic, hiding in a pile of leaves??
Russell.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2021 22:46:36 GMT
Just checked the Cheltenham festival line up can't be bothered this year, don't recognise any of the bands I go every year... I'm a 'nam veteran That's pretty Hanoiing
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Post by alsagerstokie on Mar 12, 2021 23:01:37 GMT
Ive been dating this Girl that works in M&s but after 3 dates ive ended it. Why? because after 3 dates she still wouldn't let me try anything on.
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Post by danceswithclams on Mar 12, 2021 23:10:19 GMT
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...
I will find you. You have my Word!
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dogso
Academy Starlet
Posts: 229
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Post by dogso on Mar 12, 2021 23:54:16 GMT
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office... I will find you. You have my Word! Hope you're not power-pointing at me Clamsy , you'd excel at it
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