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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Jan 23, 2021 15:48:47 GMT
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
It’s Dublin.
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Post by mattyd2 on Jan 25, 2021 12:20:00 GMT
Dog owner: "I got this new dog and have been teaching it a few tricks" Me: "Tell me what tricks it does then" Dog owner: Ok, when Stoke lose it sits down, then when Stoke draw it rolls over. Me: What does it do when Stoke win? Dog owner: Don't know, I've only had him since Christmas.
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Post by Kpsje on Jan 26, 2021 16:20:45 GMT
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Post by alsagerstokie on Jan 26, 2021 21:28:46 GMT
Please agree that this was no accident she knew what she was doing. upload pic
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Post by scfcwebby on Jan 26, 2021 23:47:51 GMT
Please agree that this was no accident she knew what she was doing. upload picI can't see what you're on about
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Post by Goonie on Jan 27, 2021 5:22:11 GMT
Please agree that this was no accident she knew what she was doing. upload picI can't see what you're on about Top left corner of bookcase. A rather unusual bookend! 😁
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Jan 27, 2021 6:50:40 GMT
A friend of mine got knocked down by a mobile library. He was lying in the road screaming and the driver got out and said, ‘shh!’
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Jan 27, 2021 6:53:15 GMT
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’
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Post by telfordstoke on Jan 27, 2021 7:29:34 GMT
Please agree that this was no accident she knew what she was doing. upload pic when was this on, has it been altered? Wow wow wow if it's real !
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Post by alsagerstokie on Jan 27, 2021 16:41:14 GMT
Please agree that this was no accident she knew what she was doing. upload pic when was this on, has it been altered? Wow wow wow if it's real ! I persume it's genuine.
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Post by danceswithclams on Jan 29, 2021 13:08:31 GMT
Tried to de-ice my windscreen with a loyalty card this morning.
Only managed to get 10% off.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2021 13:31:56 GMT
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’
He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jan 29, 2021 13:52:42 GMT
A man gets on a plane (remember them?) and sits down. By the window is a man and in the middle seat between them is a black Labrador. He asks, "what's the dog for?" The man by the window replies "I work for the National Crime Agency and this is my narcotics sniffer dog. I'll show you when we get airborne. The plane takes off, levels out and and the agent says to the dog, "go sniff!" The dog jumps down, runs down the aisle a couple of seats and sits by a woman for 2 seconds, then returns. The dog climbs back in the middle seat and puts one paw on his handlers arm. "See that? That means that woman has cocaine on her. I've written down her seat number and will phone ahead. Go sniff!" Off the dog goes behind them a couple of seats and sits for a couple of seconds by a man then returns. He jumps back up in the middle seat and puts 2 paws on the agent's arm. "See that? That signals that man is carrying Ecstasy. I've written down his seat number and will phone ahead. Go sniff!" The dog climbs down, runs to the cockpit door and runs straight back, climbs in the seat and shits. "Wow I didn't expect that from such a well trained, obedient dog. I'm shocked." "He's found a bomb," the agent replies.
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Post by redstriper on Jan 29, 2021 14:08:41 GMT
A man gets on a plane (remember them?) and sits down. By the window is a man and in the middle seat between them is a black Labrador. He asks, "what's the dog for?" The man by the window replies "I work for the National Crime Agency and this is my narcotics sniffer dog. I'll show you when we get airborne. The plain takes off, levels out and and the agent says to the dog, "go sniff!" The dog jumps down, runs down the aisle a couple of seats and sits by a woman for 2 seconds, then returns. The dog climbs back in the middle seat and puts one paw on his handlers arm. "See that? That means that woman has cocaine on her. I've written down her seat number and will phone ahead. Go sniff!" Off the dog goes behind them a couple of seats and sits for a couple of seconds by a man then returns. He jumps back up in the middle seat and puts 2 paws on the agent's arm. "See that? That signals that man is carrying Ecstasy. I've written down his seat number and will phone ahead. Go sniff!" The dog climbs down, runs to the cockpit door and runs straight back, climbs in the seat and shits. "Wow I didn't expect that from such a well trained, obedient dog. I'm shocked." "He's found a bomb," the agent replies. superb!... great to see something to laugh out loud at at the moment
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Post by mattyd2 on Jan 29, 2021 14:44:50 GMT
After Harvey Price's first day at the train station, he learned the importance of pulling out on time.
Pity Dwight Yorke never got the hang of it.
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Post by mattyd2 on Jan 29, 2021 14:45:39 GMT
I just shaved my head in solidarity with my younger son.
He doesn't have leukaemia or anything; I'm so proud he's joined the local EDL.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Jan 29, 2021 16:11:41 GMT
“Mate of mine has just been sacked off the dodgems. But he’s doing them for funfair dismissal...”
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Post by pretzel on Jan 29, 2021 18:42:49 GMT
Sir Elton John has bought a miniature treadmill for his pet rabbit...
It's a little fit bunny.
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Post by alsagerstokie on Feb 5, 2021 9:22:14 GMT
My Partner well it's difficult to say what she does.
She Sells Seashells on the Seashore.
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Post by danceswithclams on Feb 5, 2021 21:28:18 GMT
Why can't you hide from an Italian dessert?
You cannoli run.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Feb 6, 2021 6:35:46 GMT
“Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy”
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Post by lawrieleslie on Feb 6, 2021 8:02:08 GMT
A jump lead walks into a bar, the barman said I’ll serve you but just don't start anything.
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Post by redstriper on Feb 10, 2021 14:42:01 GMT
Two wives go out for a night on the town. On the way home having had way too much to drink they both need a wee, so stop in the local cemetery. They've no bog paper so the first one uses her knickers, the second one grabs a wreath from one of the graves and uses that.
The next day the first husband rings up the other one and says "no more nights out for them, my wife came home with no knickers", the second one says "you think that's bad, mine came home with a card up her crack saying - from all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you"
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Post by Clayton Wood on Feb 12, 2021 9:46:52 GMT
A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?" The old lady in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Doreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood test just came back as normal and her consultant, Dr. Ross, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday." The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!" The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Doreen your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Doreen Jacobs in room 604. No one tells me shit.”
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Feb 12, 2021 9:48:26 GMT
A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?" The old lady in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Doreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood test just came back as normal and her consultant, Dr. Ross, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday." The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!" The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Doreen your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Doreen Jacobs in room 604. No one tells me shit.” Haha saw that one coming😀
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Post by danceswithclams on Feb 12, 2021 11:08:40 GMT
Yesterday I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have perfect Heinzsight.
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Post by marylandstoke on Feb 12, 2021 19:06:07 GMT
A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?" The old lady in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Doreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood test just came back as normal and her consultant, Dr. Ross, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday." The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!" The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Doreen your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Doreen Jacobs in room 604. No one tells me shit.” Haha saw that one coming😀 Like a clairvoyant gypsy
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Post by marylandstoke on Feb 12, 2021 19:09:53 GMT
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the barman says “blimey, we’ve got a drink named after you”
And the grasshopper says “what....Eric?”
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Post by pretzel on Feb 12, 2021 19:48:12 GMT
Bloke phones The Samaritans and says "I’m at the top of Beachy head and I'm about to toss myself off"
The woman on the other end of the line said "Don't do it... think about the people below?"
Bloke replies "don't worry love, they'll probably just think it's bird shit".
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Post by Kpsje on Feb 12, 2021 21:00:44 GMT
the old ones are the best.
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