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Post by marylandstoke on Dec 31, 2020 14:17:09 GMT
Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell? Why is it that a car carries a shipment but a ship carries cargo? In America I drive on a Parkway but park in a driveway.
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Post by danceswithclams on Jan 1, 2021 0:24:40 GMT
Just had a call from Elton John asking me if I wanted to buy his Rolls Royce.
I asked "what reg?"
"DO YOU WANT TO BUY MY FUCKING ROLLS ROYCE?!?" he said.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Jan 1, 2021 8:39:01 GMT
“A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here”
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jan 2, 2021 22:41:30 GMT
Gentlemen. Make your lady feel special, put a photo of her in the kitchen and write 'employee of the month' on it.
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Post by spiderpuss on Jan 3, 2021 14:55:41 GMT
Just had a call from Elton John asking me if I wanted to buy his Rolls Royce. I asked "what reg?" "DO YOU WANT TO BUY MY FUCKING ROLLS ROYCE?!?" he said. I was asked who was the Austrian racing driver who went into flying. I replied "Lauda", to which the chap shouted WHO'S THE AUSTRIAN RACING DRIVER INTO FLYING. I walked away from the ignorant twat.
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Post by marylandstoke on Jan 3, 2021 17:21:18 GMT
I was out skiing and asked a man where the bunny slopes were.
He said ‘Actually I’m a tobogganist”
So I said “I’ll have 20 Benson and Hedges then”
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2021 12:57:57 GMT
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Barman give me a whiskey and ................ cola.” “Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”
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Post by bigjohnritchie on Jan 4, 2021 13:55:38 GMT
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Barman give me a whiskey and ................ cola.” “Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.” Apologies as the thread isn't meant for this....your joke Dee reminded me of.....
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jan 5, 2021 16:03:34 GMT
If the NHS want to get everybody immunised against Covid19 they should look no further than training up Amazon delivery drivers. That way everybody would be immunised by Saturday or Wednesday if you’re a prime member.
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Post by pretzel on Jan 7, 2021 20:03:27 GMT
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a pub
Lucky bastards
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2021 20:40:18 GMT
A 90 year old man was visiting his doctor for his annual check-up.
“So Mr Jenkins, how are you keeping?” the doctor enquired.
“Doctor, I’ve never felt better,” Mr Jenkins responded. “I’ve even married my 18 year old girlfriend recently and she’s now pregnant with my child. So, how about that then?”
The doctor considered this momentarily and then said, “Let me tell you a story Mr Jenkins. A friend of mine was a keen hunter. One day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidently picked up an umbrella instead of his gun.”
“Really?” said Mr Jenkins.
“Yes,” said the doctor. “Anyway, he was in the woods when suddenly a very large grizzly bear appeared in front of him. He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?”
Dumbfounded the old man said, “No Doc, what?”
“The bear dropped dead in front of him,” the doctor replied.
“No Doc, that can’t be right.” said the old man. “That’s impossible! Someone else must have shot the bear.”
The doctor smiled and said, “Exactly!
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Post by foster on Jan 8, 2021 6:33:23 GMT
Little girl: "Mummy, why do my socks have 'L' & 'R' in them?"
Mother: "So that you know which is Left and which is Right my dear"
"Oh" says the little girl, "that must be why my knickers have C&A"
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jan 8, 2021 9:29:42 GMT
A senior decoctive is putting 3 raw recruits through their paces on facial recognition.
He holds up a photo to the first recruit for 5 seconds then asks, 'How would you recognise this suspect again?' 'Easy, he says, 'he's only got one eye.' 'Idiot, that's because it a profile mug shot.' He then shows it to the second recruit for 5 seconds and again asks, 'How would you recognise this suspect?' 'Erm, cause he's only got 1 ear?' The detective explodes. 'You're as thick as he is.' he says pointing at number one. 'It's in profile.' Finally he tries number 3 cautioning, 'think carefully before you answer.' Number 3 looks, thinks for a couple of seconds then says, 'the suspect is wearing contact lenses.'
The detective is amazed and doesn't know himself if that is true. 'Wait here,' he says, 'I'll go and check the suspects file. A minute later he returns and says, 'amazing! It's true the suspect does wear contact lenses. How did you deduce that?' 'Easy, if he's only got one eye and one ear he can't wear normal glasses.'
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Post by danceswithclams on Jan 8, 2021 10:55:52 GMT
I recently became involved in email correspondence with Craig David after I contacted him about his flatulence.
After a couple of emails, his last reply had the subject heading Re: Re: Wind.
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Post by lordb on Jan 8, 2021 12:15:18 GMT
I recently became involved in email correspondence with Craig David after I contacted him about his flatulence. After a couple of emails, his last reply had the subject heading Re: Re: Wind. I'm genuinely pleased that I don't get that joke please don't explain it to me
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Post by zerps on Jan 8, 2021 12:54:42 GMT
I was out skiing and asked a man where the bunny slopes were. He said ‘Actually I’m a tobogganist” So I said “I’ll have 20 Benson and Hedges then” Vintage Billy Connolly 😁
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Post by marylandstoke on Jan 8, 2021 13:00:37 GMT
I was out skiing and asked a man where the bunny slopes were. He said ‘Actually I’m a tobogganist” So I said “I’ll have 20 Benson and Hedges then” Vintage Billy Connolly 😁 If you like: So i says to the Barman, what does the Pope drink? Creme de Menthe Aye, I’ll have a pint of that then
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jan 8, 2021 13:26:06 GMT
I recently became involved in email correspondence with Craig David after I contacted him about his flatulence. After a couple of emails, his last reply had the subject heading Re: Re: Wind. I'm genuinely pleased that I don't get that joke please don't explain it to me Well, you see, Craig David right he's....oh bollocks I don't get it either. 😁
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Post by telfordstoke on Jan 8, 2021 15:17:28 GMT
I'm genuinely pleased that I don't get that joke please don't explain it to me Well, you see, Craig David right he's....oh bollocks I don't get it either. 😁 got me bloody singing it now ya bastards and doing the stupid boink sound from the verse.
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Post by sd22 on Jan 8, 2021 20:05:34 GMT
Well, you see, Craig David right he's....oh bollocks I don't get it either. 😁 got me bloody singing it now ya bastards and doing the stupid boink sound from the verse. Craig David all over your...
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2021 20:07:11 GMT
I once had dinner with Garry Kasporov the world chess champion and there was a check tablecloth on the table. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Jan 8, 2021 20:27:37 GMT
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Jan 8, 2021 20:31:00 GMT
“I stand corrected!” Said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
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Post by danceswithclams on Jan 15, 2021 0:51:18 GMT
I was bored over Christmas, so swapped all the wrappers around in a box of Celebrations.
The Mrs was so cross she got her Snickers in a Twix.
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Post by alsagerstokie on Jan 15, 2021 8:05:11 GMT
I almost lost my Job as a Roofer once because I was caught wanking on the job. The boss said though I'll give you one last chance to wipe the slate clean.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jan 15, 2021 10:18:35 GMT
Johnny was in class when his teacher asks:
'Johnny, there are five birds on a tree branch. You shoot one, how many are left.?' 'None, miss. The others will fly away!' 'The right answer is four, but I like the way you think. 'Johnny goes quiet, and then raises his hand. 'Yes?' 'Miss, there are three ladies eating ice lollies. One is sucking it, one is licking it and one is biting it. Which one is the married one?' The teacher goes red, starts to sweat and nervously says: 'The one that's licking it?' Johnny smiles. 'No, miss. The one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think...'
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jan 22, 2021 10:29:56 GMT
A man goes into the Australian embassy in London to apply for a work permit and visa. 'Do you have a criminal record?' enquires the clerk. 'Sorry, I didn't realise one was still required.'
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Post by flea79 on Jan 22, 2021 11:07:15 GMT
whats the difference between an Iraqi woman and a pilchard?
one is all greasy with bulging eyes and the other is a fish!!!
sorry tickled me and please dont ban me
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Post by danceswithclams on Jan 22, 2021 14:03:34 GMT
Just found out my dad is addicted to Viagra.
My mum is taking it rather hard.
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Post by pretzel on Jan 23, 2021 15:20:00 GMT
Solicitors representing the estate of shamed record producer Phil Spector are appealing for details of his estranged brother Crispin, last heard of working in the Leicestershire area.
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