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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Dec 22, 2020 18:53:49 GMT
Job Interview;
Interviewer: Well the interview went well and we're impressed! But. We need to know what happened during this 4 year break in jobs.
Applicant: Well, sir, easily explained. Those four years are when I went to Yale
Interviewer: Well I think that seals it. Congratulations. You have the job!
Applicant: Oh! Great! Thanks very much I really need this Yob.
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Post by innocentbystander on Dec 22, 2020 20:06:19 GMT
Once upon a time in a fabled country deep in the heart of Medieval Europe there lived a King who was but 12" high. All the people whispered it, but they were all quite correct. The King, the Legend went, was a terrible, terrible King. But he was a fantastic ruler. I've got twelve inches......but I don't use it as a rule - Ron Wood
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Post by scfcwebby on Dec 22, 2020 20:37:34 GMT
As a dyslexic i find tv guides a bit tricky. Last night i wasted 2 hours watching Kingsman wondering when they were going to get round to fitting insulated boarding. took me a min to get this one! Im still trying
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Post by flea79 on Dec 22, 2020 20:39:16 GMT
took me a min to get this one! Im still trying Dyslexic, kingsman, should be kingspan, Kingspan is a large firm that makes composite panels
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Post by chuffedstokie on Dec 23, 2020 8:08:35 GMT
Hope my mate's girlfriend gets back from the Ukraine before the 25th, No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas.
Ta daa.
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Dec 23, 2020 8:12:55 GMT
Dyslexic, kingsman, should be kingspan, Kingspan is a large firm that makes composite panels Quite possibly the the worst joke I’ve ever heard! Sorry Henry 😬
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Post by flea79 on Dec 23, 2020 8:13:57 GMT
Dyslexic, kingsman, should be kingspan, Kingspan is a large firm that makes composite panels Quite possibly the the worst joke I’ve ever heard! Sorry Henry 😬 Yeah I tried to be polite but it’s pretty bad even for here! Although if you ever get the chance to visit the factory it’s pretty interesting
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Dec 23, 2020 8:18:23 GMT
Quite possibly the the worst joke I’ve ever heard! Sorry Henry 😬 Yeah I tried to be polite but it’s pretty bad even for here! Although if you ever get the chance to visit the factory it’s pretty interesting Yes I’ve been, used to do exhibitions for them a few years back. But that’s for another thread, an incredibly boring one😉
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Post by danceswithclams on Dec 23, 2020 10:19:56 GMT
The difficulty of looking for a needle in a haystack is a metaphor for some, but for me it’s a cruel reminder of my failed horse acupuncture business.
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Post by felonious on Dec 23, 2020 12:38:32 GMT
Quite possibly the the worst joke I’ve ever heard! Sorry Henry 😬 Yeah I tried to be polite but it’s pretty bad even for here! Although if you ever get the chance to visit the factory it’s pretty interesting Better than the pencil museum?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2020 12:54:54 GMT
A brown paper bag is feeling sick, so it goes to the doctor.
The doctor does some tests. 'I'm sorry to say you seem to have inherited this illness from your family' says the doctor.
'What?' says the bag 'That's impossible, I'm a paper bag'
'Yes' says the doctor, 'But apparently your mother was a carrier'.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Dec 23, 2020 19:33:06 GMT
"OK Fred, Velma, and Daphne. Name one of the Big Five game animals in Africa."
"Rhino."
"I know you do, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Dec 23, 2020 19:35:37 GMT
I was sitting there all bored and my wife said to me... "If you're that bored then why don't you make a bird table?" So I did. Now she's kicking off at me because I only put her in 7th place.
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Post by yeokel on Dec 23, 2020 20:26:32 GMT
Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.
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Post by pretzel on Dec 23, 2020 22:29:46 GMT
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila!
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Post by lawrieleslie on Dec 24, 2020 12:19:48 GMT
Dyslexic, kingsman, should be kingspan, Kingspan is a large firm that makes composite panels Of course bleedin' obvious in eet.
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Post by flea79 on Dec 24, 2020 12:31:41 GMT
Dyslexic, kingsman, should be kingspan, Kingspan is a large firm that makes composite panels Of course bleedin' obvious in eet. Have to say the bemusement of various people is a damn sight funnier than the joke!
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Post by pretzel on Dec 24, 2020 14:05:46 GMT
Dyslexic guy goes to see the doctor and tells him that he has daily sex.
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Post by teenagefanclub on Dec 24, 2020 17:19:41 GMT
What do you call a fast escalator?
An escasooner
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Dec 24, 2020 17:32:24 GMT
Why don’t you ever see Santa in hospital? Because he has private elf care.
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Post by dexta on Dec 24, 2020 18:54:03 GMT
Lad walks into the kitchen and sees is dad with his dick in the biscuit tin. Walks into living room and says to is mum why as me dad got his dick in the biscuit tin.. She says ignore him duck he's fuckin crackers
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Dec 24, 2020 20:45:06 GMT
Husband takes his wife to a disco..
There's this guy on the dance floor giving it large..break-dancing,moon-walking, back-flips,the full works.
Wife turns to her husband and says "see that guy, 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down "
Husband replies "looks like he's still fucking celebrating"
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Post by henry on Dec 25, 2020 12:03:25 GMT
Dyslexic, kingsman, should be kingspan, Kingspan is a large firm that makes composite panels Quite possibly the the worst joke I’ve ever heard! Sorry Henry 😬 I'll try another David Bowie walks into Bing Crosby's mansion and see's Bing looking all glum and depressed. "Whats the matter Bing my old friend" asks David "David, it's my inflatable arse, it keeps going flat" "Don't worry Bing, you can borrow my rubber bum pump" "Rubber bum pump ??" "Rubber bum pump"
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Post by chuffedstokie on Dec 25, 2020 12:23:16 GMT
Just wanted to take a minute to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy new year, most of all, good health. These days people don't spend much time or thought on some personal words to their friends and family they just copy and paste some random messages and send it on, pretending it's their own. So, after all we've been through this year I want to thank you for your friendship and wish you all a happy 2018. You are the best Gymnastics group that Glasgow could ask for. Best wishes, Helen.
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Post by felonious on Dec 25, 2020 14:42:44 GMT
Just wanted to take a minute to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy new year, most of all, good health. These days people don't spend much time or thought on some personal words to their friends and family they just copy and paste some random messages and send it on, pretending it's their own. So, after all we've been through this year I want to thank you for your friendship and wish you all a happy 2018. You are the best Gymnastics group that Glasgow could ask for. Best wishes, Helen. Thanks Chuffed proper made me chuckle. I've shamelessly copied it, tweaked a few words and sent it off to my running groups
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Post by marylandstoke on Dec 25, 2020 16:04:49 GMT
Just wanted to take a minute to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy new year, most of all, good health. These days people don't spend much time or thought on some personal words to their friends and family they just copy and paste some random messages and send it on, pretending it's their own. So, after all we've been through this year I want to thank you for your friendship and wish you all a happy 2018. You are the best Gymnastics group that Glasgow could ask for. Best wishes, Helen. I was fine till “best Gymastics group in Glasgow” Moet all over the keyboard.
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Post by danceswithclams on Dec 27, 2020 13:01:09 GMT
Why don’t you ever see Santa in hospital? Because he has private elf care. ***BELATED CHRISTMAS-THEMED JOKE*** How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza? Deep pan, crisp and even ***BELATED CHRISTMAS-THEMED JOKE ENDS***
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Post by maxplonk on Dec 31, 2020 11:32:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2020 13:14:05 GMT
Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?
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Post by maxplonk on Dec 31, 2020 13:16:13 GMT
Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell? Why is it that a car carries a shipment but a ship carries cargo?
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