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Post by danceswithclams on Dec 5, 2020 1:32:04 GMT
Found out I am colour blind today.
That one came right out of the purple.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Dec 9, 2020 8:56:23 GMT
Few years ago I went to watch the start of Tall Ships Race at Swansea Docks. Sat on a bench watching the the start was an older chap all wrinkled and obviously lived an outdoor life. Got talking to him .... Me- hello mate where you from Old Man- South Wales. See that tall ship over there, well I made all the sails for it. They don’t call me Taff the Sailmaker though. Me- oh right OM - and see the figure head on the bow, I carved that with my own hands. They don’t call me Taff the Carpenter though. Me - oh dear OM - and see the beautifully painted name on the stern, I painted that took me weeks. They don’t call me Taff the Signwriter though Me- really OM - those main sheets on the rigging I spliced myself. They don’t call me Taff the Rope Splicer though. Me - that’s a shame OM- but all I ever did was shag one fucking sheep........
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Post by pretzel on Dec 9, 2020 22:38:41 GMT
I hate Christmas I work my fingers to the bone every year to bring in enough money so that my kids get all the presents they ask for. And what happens when they wake up all excited on Christmas morning??? Do they thank me for the presents? NO That fat red nosed f**ker with the beard takes all the credit. I suppose I only have myself to blame for marrying her though.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Dec 10, 2020 7:56:54 GMT
The other day a man offered me a go on his ice rink for 10 pence, I thought, what a cheap skate.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2020 13:16:16 GMT
A woman went on holiday leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. As soon as she arrived at her hotel later that day she called her husband and asked if the cat was still alright.
The husband said, "The cat's just died!"
The wife was devastated and burst into tears and asked, "How could you be so cruel to me ? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today you could have said it was playing on the garage roof, tomorrow you could have said it had fallen off and had broken it's leg. Then on the third day, you could have said the poor thing had passed away during the night. You could have been much more sensitive about the whole thing."
The husband agreed that he had been a little blunt and apologised for upsetting his wife.
The wife accepted his apology, and just before she rang off she asked " By the way, how's my mother?"
The husband replied, "She's playing on the garage roof !"
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Post by Clayton Wood on Dec 11, 2020 11:22:03 GMT
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, lifts his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
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dogso
Academy Starlet
Posts: 229
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Post by dogso on Dec 11, 2020 12:46:56 GMT
I've invested in the local crematorium, it's a nice little urner
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2020 13:04:45 GMT
I recently went into a Waterstone's book shop and asked the girl on the desk if they had any books about turtles.
"Hard back ?" she asked.
"Yeah" I said, "and little heads".
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Post by danceswithclams on Dec 11, 2020 13:06:21 GMT
The bloke who stole my diary has died...
My thoughts are with his family.
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Post by maxplonk on Dec 11, 2020 16:47:58 GMT
What's so good about Switzerland?
I don't know but the flag is a big plus.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Dec 14, 2020 18:44:10 GMT
For the first time in our marriage my wife apologised to me, she said, "I'm sorry I even met you ".
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2020 12:52:58 GMT
Here's a couple from the late great Tommy Cooper
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking around'
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Post by lawrieleslie on Dec 15, 2020 18:18:59 GMT
Man goes into a restaurant and asks "what is your wifi code?" "You will have to buy a meal first" says the assistant. "Ok I’ll have the Hunters Chicken, chips and seasonal veg" says the man. Now please can you give me your wifi code? Already told you......"You will have to buy a meal first" all lower case no spaces
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Post by marylandstoke on Dec 15, 2020 20:31:46 GMT
Here's a couple from the late great Tommy Cooper Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking around' Great story that I have heard a few people tell. The times that they sent a car for Tommy, the last thing he would do, was tuck something into the drivers top pocket with a wink and a “ Have a drink on me later” Upon reaching into said pocket the driver would find a tea bag.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Dec 16, 2020 7:49:32 GMT
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
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Post by mattyd2 on Dec 16, 2020 14:49:13 GMT
Not my own work I admit...A few from Siki...Enjoy.
Little Mix have announced that thanks to a forecasted saving of 93% on makeup and plus size leather outfits they can now afford to hire some decent song writers.
Jesy Nelson has left Little Mix She is forming her own band called Pick n Mix.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Dec 16, 2020 17:15:48 GMT
Has anybody ever lived long enough to have to buy a second bottle of Worcestershire Sauce?
My dad used to say "As one door closes another one opens" ........he was never any good at cabinet making.
I came home from work yesterday, the house was deserted and there was a note from my wife pinned to to the fridge .. "It's not working, I'm gonna stay at my Mum's for a while....." I pulled the door open.... the light came on, and the beer was still nice and cold.... what is she on about??
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Post by claytonscrubs on Dec 16, 2020 18:05:20 GMT
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’
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Post by lawrieleslie on Dec 17, 2020 10:47:56 GMT
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Post by Clayton Wood on Dec 18, 2020 9:35:17 GMT
An 85 year old man goes to the doctors for his annual check up. After the usual tests the doctor hands him a jar and ask for a sperm sample telling the old guy he can go behind the screen for privacy. Fifteen minutes later the old guy appears brandishing an empty jar and says, 'It's no good doc.' 'Take it home with you and bring it back in the morning. Familiar surroundings and less pressure may help.'
Next day the old guy returns and hands over the empty jar. 'No good doc. I tried my right hand, left hand, both hands. My wife had a go, left, right both hands, her mouth, teeth in and teeth out. Even went round to Mabel next door who put it between her knees and up her armpit.' The doctor could believe his ears, 'you even involved your neighbour?' 'Yep. None of us could get the blasted lid off the jar.'
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Post by danceswithclams on Dec 18, 2020 10:45:27 GMT
I had a kids meal at McDonald's today.
His mum was really pissed off.
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Post by henry on Dec 18, 2020 11:25:52 GMT
Just ordered some green ice cream for Christmas Day, looks mint.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Dec 18, 2020 18:02:43 GMT
An old matelot is being interviewed on Piers Morgan late evening show. The interview gets round to the old sailors sexual prowess during his time in the navy. "Come on, tell us when you last had sex?" Asks Morgan "It must have been around 1955" replied the old sailor after some thought. "Christ that’s a long time ago!" Exclaimed a surprised Morgan. "Why, what time is it now.?" Says the old sailor looking at his watch.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2020 12:36:18 GMT
An English guy is on holiday in the USA and decides he's going to hike part of the Appalachian Trail. He goes to the Park Ranger's office for some advice and finds he's already giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.”
“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers.
“It’s easy,” replies the ranger. “They’re full of small bells.”
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Post by redstriper on Dec 21, 2020 14:37:36 GMT
Elton John is now thought to be the UK's first covid victim, as he clearly lost all sense of taste around 1974
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Post by lawrieleslie on Dec 22, 2020 8:31:01 GMT
At Crufts Best in Class a Chihuahua had only come second. The distraught lady owner went to speak with the judge afterwards. "Where did I go wrong?" asked the tearful lady "Your Chihuahua has too much facial hair. I would advise you to apply some hair removal cream a week before next years event" replied the judge. So the lady duly visits the pharmacy the following year to get some hair removal cream. The pharmacist gives her the tube of cream ..... "Apply it daily to your face, legs, arms and under your armpits as necessary madam" "Oh it’s not for that" replied the lady. "It’s for my Chihuahua" "Ok" replied the pharmacist "just avoid riding your bike for a couple of days after application"
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2020 10:39:25 GMT
A cruise ship on it's annual round the world cruise passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.
“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”
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Post by henry on Dec 22, 2020 10:39:51 GMT
As a dyslexic i find tv guides a bit tricky. Last night i wasted 2 hours watching Kingsman wondering when they were going to get round to fitting insulated boarding.
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Post by flea79 on Dec 22, 2020 13:00:46 GMT
As a dyslexic i find tv guides a bit tricky. Last night i wasted 2 hours watching Kingsman wondering when they were going to get round to fitting insulated boarding. took me a min to get this one!
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Dec 22, 2020 18:49:18 GMT
Once upon a time in a fabled country deep in the heart of Medieval Europe there lived a King who was but 12" high.
All the people whispered it, but they were all quite correct.
The King, the Legend went, was a terrible, terrible King. But he was a fantastic ruler.
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