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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2020 11:44:25 GMT
What rule of 6?
Penguins in a multipack?
I get iteven less now
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2020 12:02:40 GMT
Just back from the supermarket, I was told by friends that all was needed were mask and gloves, they lied, everyone else was wearing clothes. I thought you were going to say you'd asked the checkout girl for some condoms (if you'd read my last joke) !
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Post by murphthesurf on Sept 17, 2020 12:28:06 GMT
Just back from the supermarket, I was told by friends that all was needed were mask and gloves, they lied, everyone else was wearing clothes. Oh Sh*t. Sorry, mate, I never thought you'd actually believe me.............
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Post by pretzel on Sept 17, 2020 12:46:00 GMT
I asked my Scottish girlfriend to rate my listening skills
She said "You’re an 8 on a scale of 10"
Quite why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton I'll never know!
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Post by telfordstoke on Sept 17, 2020 12:48:17 GMT
Snow White : "I am really sorry about this boys, but 2 of you need to fuck off before Monday" Whoooooshh. Am I missing summat. Tenuous but I suspect relates to the Rule of 6 . Does that help or hinder?!?
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Post by wagsastokie on Sept 17, 2020 14:36:20 GMT
Whoooooshh. Am I missing summat. the rule of 6 But there in a protective bubble
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Post by chuffedstokie on Sept 17, 2020 14:45:00 GMT
Just back from the supermarket, I was told by friends that all was needed were mask and gloves, they lied, everyone else was wearing clothes. I thought you were going to say you'd asked the checkout girl for some condoms (if you'd read my last joke) ! I did and no I didn't!!😄
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Post by stillgame4it on Sept 17, 2020 15:51:53 GMT
Whoooooshh. Am I missing summat. Tenuous but I suspect relates to the Rule of 6 . Does that help or hinder?!? OK, I will stick to "knock knock" jokes in future 😀
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 17, 2020 16:04:55 GMT
Everywhere I look on the internet, all I see is Corona, Corona, corona This thing has gone viral.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Sept 18, 2020 8:38:58 GMT
A junior school teacher is taking an English lesson and having explained the word 'definitely' asks the class to use it correctly in a sentence. Sarah puts her hand up and says, 'the sky is definitely blue. miss." The teacher replies, 'well that's not strictly true. At sunrise or sunset the sky is red." David says, 'the grass is definitely green." 'Good try David, she says, 'but if there is not enough water the grass turns brown.' Little Jonny stands up and ask, 'Do farts have lumps miss?' Annoyed she replies, 'that's nothing to do with the subject. But no they don't.' 'Then in that case I've definitely shit myself, miss.'
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Post by danceswithclams on Sept 18, 2020 9:09:53 GMT
I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester the other day.
He had a Wigan address.
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Post by stokienorthants on Sept 18, 2020 11:25:08 GMT
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people who live in Dubai don’t like the Flinstones but those in Abu Dhabi do!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2020 11:48:42 GMT
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
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Post by murphthesurf on Sept 18, 2020 12:39:10 GMT
Did you know that the actor Yul Brynner loved football and was a lifelong Liverpool fan?
He never used aftershave and all the supporters still sing about it: 'Yul never wore cologne.'
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Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2020 13:27:24 GMT
Did you know that the actor Yul Brynner loved football and was a lifelong Liverpool fan? He never used aftershave and all the supporters still sing about it: 'Yul never wore cologne.' `he was an ice hockey fan and had his own line of men's grooming products often advertised in Playboy Am starting to doubt this story
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Post by murphthesurf on Sept 18, 2020 13:36:43 GMT
Did you know that the actor Yul Brynner loved football and was a lifelong Liverpool fan? He never used aftershave and all the supporters still sing about it: 'Yul never wore cologne.' `he was an ice hockey fan and had his own line of men's grooming products often advertised in Playboy Am starting to doubt this story Try going out and coming back in again, Jeezy! xxx
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Post by pretzel on Sept 21, 2020 19:05:31 GMT
Ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon last week and they've just delivered a Two Ronnie's DVD
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Post by lawrieleslie on Sept 22, 2020 9:40:17 GMT
Thanks, I didn't get it either. He who laughs last doesn't get the joke This will help in understanding ........... Attachment Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2020 19:43:03 GMT
Why was the insomniac kid excited?
only 2 more sleeps until xmas
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Post by marylandstoke on Sept 23, 2020 20:53:57 GMT
Thor rides into town on his magnificent black stead.
He pulls it roughly to a halt, rises in his stirrups and says “I AM THOR”
He jumps off his horse and says “I ......AM .....THOR”
And his horse says...”well you thud have worn you saddle thilly”
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Post by steve66 on Sept 25, 2020 0:12:43 GMT
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Sept 25, 2020 6:18:02 GMT
I went into our local shop for some fly killer. Picked one up and asked the shop assistant "is this any good for wasps?" To which she replied ............."no it kills them."
What was the last thing General Custer said to his men before they got on their horses?"....................."Get on your horses men."
I’m off.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Sept 25, 2020 11:39:01 GMT
I went into our local shop for some fly killer. Picked one up and asked the shop assistant "is this any good for wasps?" To which she replied ............."no it kills them." What was the last thing General Custer said to his men before they got on their horses?"....................."Get on your horses men." I’m off. That first one's a belter. 😄
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2020 12:04:27 GMT
A young man met an old soldier who was 104, still active and in good health. He asked the old man what the secret was to his long life.
The old man said, "You've got to sprinkle a little gunpowder on your porridge every morning. If you do that, I guarantee that you'll live to a nice, ripe old age."
So the young man did this religiously every day for the rest of his life, and sure enough, he too lived to the age of 104.
When he eventually died he left behind 6 children, 10 grandchildren, 56 great-grandchildren,..............and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
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Post by The man from Utch on Sept 25, 2020 20:20:19 GMT
Did year about that bloke who died from eating too much licorice? It takes allsorts.
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Post by murphthesurf on Sept 25, 2020 20:51:15 GMT
My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean but I called them Grandma and Grandpa-pa-papapa-papapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapa-paaaaaaaaaaaaa……
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2020 20:55:46 GMT
My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean but I called them Grandma and Grandpa-pa-papapa-papapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapa-paaaaaaaaaaaaa…… What choo talkin bout Willis? I preferred the Yul Brynner......,at leas t I got that
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Post by claytonscrubs on Sept 25, 2020 21:12:10 GMT
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.
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Post by Cast no shadow on Sept 26, 2020 8:39:05 GMT
My girlfriend says she's leaving me because of my obsession with transformers. I said "No wait, I can change"
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Post by danceswithclams on Sept 26, 2020 22:40:04 GMT
Coronavirus, the flu, and a common cold walk into a bar at 9:59pm.
The bartender asks "What is this? Some kind of sick joke?"
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