|
Post by Rednwhitenblue on Oct 1, 2020 11:16:34 GMT
I know it's a bit early, but there's a great photo in the Telegraph today of the Pope praying in very close proximity, with several priests, no-one wearing a mask, with the photo caption - Careless Vespers
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2020 19:20:29 GMT
A farmer has 3 bulls and 200 cows.
One of the bulls is large and has 100 cows to himself. The second bull is medium sized and has 70 cows. The third bull is small and has 30 cows.
One day the farmer gets another bull.
The large bull says, “I don’t care how big he is, he’s not getting a single one of my cows.” The medium bull says, “Same here, those are my cows.” The small bull agrees saying, “I’ll fight if I have to, but he’s not taking my cows.”
The new bull is brought to the farm. The trailer is shaking, and suddenly the door bursts open and one of the farmhands is launched backwards, and an absolutely massive bull comes out of the trailer.
The large bull says, “Forget it, he can have my cows.” The medium bull, quivering by now, says, “No way can I stop him. I guess he can have my cows, too.” They look to the small bull to see him raring up for a fight. “What the hell are you doing?! You can’t hope to take him,” they scream to the small bull.
The small bull calmly replies, “I’m trying to make sure he knows I’m not a cow.”
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2020 12:24:42 GMT
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
“Yes Miss,” he said. “My father taught me.”
“Good. What comes after three?”
“Four,” answered the boy.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven.”
“You're very good Johnny,” said the teacher. “Your dad's done a really good job teaching you. And now can you tell me what comes after 10?”
“Jack.”
|
|
|
Post by danceswithclams on Oct 2, 2020 13:31:11 GMT
The bloke who invented the Thesaurus has died.
Repose in quietude.
|
|
|
Post by nicholasjalcock on Oct 2, 2020 15:05:04 GMT
Joke of the day? This morning after Trump tweeted he had Covid some wag in the Far East said it was the first time he had tweeted anything positive?!
|
|
|
Post by wagsastokie on Oct 2, 2020 21:10:04 GMT
Joke of the day? This morning after Trump tweeted he had Covid some wag in the Far East said it was the first time he had tweeted anything positive?! Well this wag thinks there shouldn't any political bullshit on this thread
|
|
|
Post by bigjohnritchie on Oct 4, 2020 11:11:50 GMT
Don't know if they are all genuine.
Extracts from letters written by housing tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. 2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off. 6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen... 10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy. 11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces. 15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me. 16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it. 18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife... 20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. 21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2. 22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2020 11:28:55 GMT
Don't know if they are all genuine. Extracts from letters written by housing tenants: 1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. 2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other that blew them off. 6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen... 10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy. 11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces. 15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me. 16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it. 18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife... 20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. 21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2. 22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. Excellent ! ???
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Oct 4, 2020 11:50:47 GMT
Don't know if they are all genuine. Extracts from letters written by housing tenants: 1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. 2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off. 6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen... 10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy. 11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces. 15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me. 16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it. 18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife... 20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. 21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2. 22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. Reminds me of the old Jasper Carrot insurance claim forms: "I was driving along the motorway when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way.." (Thanks M Robson) "Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.." (Thanks N Bradley) "I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof." (from an Australian claim form - Thanks N Shepherd) "The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." (Thanks Sharon Burrows) "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought." "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket." Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus? The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo. "I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard." "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke." "I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control." "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight" "I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk." Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan." "First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car." "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo." "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again" "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment." "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention." "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way" "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face" "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car" "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole." "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car." "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident." "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished." "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
|
|
|
Post by maxplonk on Oct 4, 2020 12:24:41 GMT
I crashed my car into a lamppost but escaped with only light injuries.
|
|
|
Post by maxplonk on Oct 9, 2020 9:04:58 GMT
Had to sack my eastern European cleaning lady for being so inefficient. She was a Slovak.
|
|
|
Post by danceswithclams on Oct 9, 2020 11:39:04 GMT
Me and the Mrs went to a restaurant for 'bottomless brunch' the other day.
Apparently, the name refers to the unlimited refreshments on offer and not the dress code.
|
|
|
Post by Orbs on Oct 9, 2020 11:56:34 GMT
We had an aeroplane crash into the upstairs of our house last night. It was Mrs Orbs' fault. She'd left the landing light on.
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Oct 9, 2020 12:31:29 GMT
What is Trump's ventilator called?
Forced Air One.
|
|
|
Post by murphthesurf on Oct 9, 2020 14:16:47 GMT
THE NEWS
An ice-cream seller has been found dead in his van, covered in hundreds and thousands and with two Cadbury's flakes shoved up his nose.
Police reckon he topped himself.
|
|
|
Post by thehartshillbadger on Oct 9, 2020 14:19:58 GMT
THE NEWSAn ice-cream seller has been found dead in his van, covered in hundreds and thousands and with two Cadbury's flakes shoved up his nose. Police reckon he topped himself. The owd uns are the best uns Murph😏
|
|
|
Post by murphthesurf on Oct 9, 2020 14:39:38 GMT
THE NEWSAn ice-cream seller has been found dead in his van, covered in hundreds and thousands and with two Cadbury's flakes shoved up his nose. Police reckon he topped himself. The owd uns are the best uns Murph😏 I knew some b*rstew*rd was going to say that!
|
|
|
Post by thehartshillbadger on Oct 9, 2020 14:40:16 GMT
The owd uns are the best uns Murph😏 I knew some b*rstew*rd was going to say that! Sorry I’m so predictable😳
|
|
|
Post by murphthesurf on Oct 9, 2020 14:45:11 GMT
I knew some b*rstew*rd was going to say that! Sorry I’m so predictable😳 Actually, I very nearly put it myself in brackets at the end of the original post....
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2020 16:24:52 GMT
A jockey is about to enter a race on a new horse that he's never ridden before. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first jump. Feeling very embarrassed the jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second jump. The jockey, still a little embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"
|
|
|
Post by lawrieleslie on Oct 10, 2020 6:57:42 GMT
A police patrol stopped a car because there were 4 penguins on the back seat. He told the driver that he was breaking the law but if he took them to the zoo now he would overlook the charge. The driver agreed and drove off. Next day the police officer was astounded to see the same car and driver with the same 4 penguins on the back seat all wearing sun glasses.He pulled him over and went to book him. "I thought I told you yesterday to take them to the zoo!" Exclaimed the officer. "I did" replied the driver .........."today I’m taking them to the beach".
|
|
|
Post by chuffedstokie on Oct 10, 2020 7:23:49 GMT
Just been offered eight legs of venison for £70, Is that two deer.
|
|
|
Post by thevoid on Oct 10, 2020 10:33:09 GMT
When the Pope goes through the Vatican accounts, is he doing his Paypal duties?
|
|
|
Post by thevoid on Oct 10, 2020 10:37:30 GMT
Someone asked me if I knew anything about Israeli politicians.
I told them to get on the net and Yahoo.
|
|
|
Post by thevoid on Oct 10, 2020 10:53:31 GMT
I went to the butcher's and he told me that if I could reach the rib eye I wanted on the top shelf without standing on tiptoes, I could have it for half price. If I failed, I'd have to pay double.
"I'm not taking this bet," I said. "The steaks are too high."
|
|
|
Post by thevoid on Oct 10, 2020 10:54:53 GMT
I saw my therapist the other day. She asked me if my mother showed me much affection as a young boy.
I said that my mother had never been a young boy.
|
|
|
Post by maxplonk on Oct 10, 2020 13:33:06 GMT
Where do mansplainers get water from? From the well, actually.....
|
|
|
Post by sticky on Oct 10, 2020 18:24:17 GMT
Lorry full of terrapins has crashed on the Tyne bridge, police on the scene said it’s turtle carnage
|
|
|
Post by thevoid on Oct 11, 2020 14:16:18 GMT
Don't know if they are all genuine. Extracts from letters written by housing tenants: 1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. 2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off. 6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen... 10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy. 11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces. 15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me. 16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it. 18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife... 20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. 21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2. 22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. You'll like these 😂
|
|
|
Post by thevoid on Oct 11, 2020 14:17:18 GMT
I've just sold my hoover. It was only gathering dust.
|
|