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Post by murphthesurf on Aug 29, 2020 9:02:12 GMT
Hanley and Stoke Police stations were both broken into last night, and all the lavatories stolen. Police say that at the moment they have nothing to go on.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Sept 3, 2020 10:17:20 GMT
Man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and two hurricanes.
Barman; That'll be £20.20
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Post by marylandstoke on Sept 3, 2020 11:00:13 GMT
Hanley and Stoke Police stations were both broken into last night, and all the lavatories stolen. Police say that at the moment they have nothing to go on. Also, after the storms, a large sink hole opened up. Police are looking into it.
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dogso
Academy Starlet
Posts: 229
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Post by dogso on Sept 4, 2020 2:12:45 GMT
I was offered a job building tombs in Egypt, but it was just a pyramid scheme
(i've already got me coat on ....)
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Post by Clayton Wood on Sept 4, 2020 8:06:43 GMT
Hanley and Stoke Police stations were both broken into last night, and all the lavatories stolen. Police say that at the moment they have nothing to go on. A thief has stolen all the wheels off their police cars. They are working tirelessly to catch him.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Sept 4, 2020 8:42:48 GMT
A new young female army recruit asks her CO 'how long is it since you had sex sir? '1956' 'Wow, you poor thing, I'll soon fix that for you sir' She takes him back to her room and they have frantic sex for over two hours. She says, 'well I must admit I'm surprised you lasted so long considering it was 1956 the last time you did it.' 'Not really,' replied the CO, 'it's only 2130 now.'
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Post by danceswithclams on Sept 4, 2020 8:48:34 GMT
Why shouldn't you wear loose-fitting boxer shorts in the Ukraine?
Because Chernobyl fallout.
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Post by sd22 on Sept 4, 2020 10:04:59 GMT
A new young female army recruit asks her CO 'how long is it since you had sex sir? '1956' 'Wow, you poor thing, I'll soon fix that for you sir' She takes him back to her room and they have frantic sex for over two hours. She says, 'well I must admit I'm surprised you lasted so long considering it was 1956 the last time you did it.' 'Not really,' replied the CO, 'it's only 2130 now.' I see a time overlap in this👀
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Post by Clayton Wood on Sept 4, 2020 10:52:23 GMT
A new young female army recruit asks her CO 'how long is it since you had sex sir? '1956' 'Wow, you poor thing, I'll soon fix that for you sir' She takes him back to her room and they have frantic sex for over two hours. She says, 'well I must admit I'm surprised you lasted so long considering it was 1956 the last time you did it.' 'Not really,' replied the CO, 'it's only 2130 now.' I see a time overlap in this👀 Time stood still for them
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dogso
Academy Starlet
Posts: 229
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Post by dogso on Sept 4, 2020 11:34:46 GMT
Not really a joke, but this aussie subway ad tickles me, although it's copped some flak from the PC brigade ..
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Post by marylandstoke on Sept 4, 2020 13:07:09 GMT
A sales rep’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere but he sees a farm in the distance.
Trudging up to the door he explains himself to the farmer and asks if he can sleep there the night. The farmer agrees but says
“I only have one other bed than mine and my three sons sleep in it”
At which point the rep says
“...I’m sorry. I think I’m in the wrong joke”
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 4, 2020 16:03:22 GMT
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity. The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and all the other bells went off.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 4, 2020 16:03:50 GMT
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 4, 2020 16:09:27 GMT
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!” I said, “Wow!” Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”
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dogso
Academy Starlet
Posts: 229
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Post by dogso on Sept 6, 2020 12:13:10 GMT
I'm reading a book on Anti-Gravity ... it's really good, I can't put it down
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Post by stillgame4it on Sept 11, 2020 8:56:28 GMT
Snow White : "I am really sorry about this boys, but 2 of you need to fuck off before Monday"
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Post by Clayton Wood on Sept 11, 2020 13:26:27 GMT
I got sacked from my last job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” or “Burial”.
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Post by murphthesurf on Sept 11, 2020 22:21:14 GMT
Today I went to answer a knock at the door and as soon as I opened it a six-foot tall cockroach punched me right in the face.
It was my own fault - I'd heard there was a very nasty bug going round.
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Sept 11, 2020 22:23:39 GMT
Today I went to answer a knock at the door and as soon as I opened it a six-foot tall cockroach punched me right in the face. It was my own fault - I'd heard there was a very nasty bug going round. Ahh thanks Murph. That’s tickled me at the end of a bad week🤣
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Post by murphthesurf on Sept 11, 2020 22:27:40 GMT
Today I went to answer a knock at the door and as soon as I opened it a six-foot tall cockroach punched me right in the face. It was my own fault - I'd heard there was a very nasty bug going round. Ahh thanks Murph. That’s tickled me at the end of a bad week🤣 Mon plaisir, Badge. It's better if you actually imagine it!
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Post by danceswithclams on Sept 11, 2020 22:41:33 GMT
I'm thinking of selling my Theremin.
Haven't touched it in years.
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dogso
Academy Starlet
Posts: 229
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Post by dogso on Sept 15, 2020 11:12:54 GMT
I changed the labels on my wife's spice jars. She hasn't noticed yet, but the thyme is cumin....
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Post by bigjohnritchie on Sept 15, 2020 11:25:08 GMT
Sgt Major " I didn't see you at camouflage training on Tuesday, Hopkins".
Private Hopkins " Thank you, Sir"
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2020 19:30:25 GMT
A man was in a long queue at his local Tesco store. As he got to the check out he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Checkout 5."
The next man in the queue thought this was interesting and was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the check out, he told the girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the check out for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and she reached over and gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5.
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the check out he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and once again she reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said... "Mop and bucket to Checkout 5”
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Post by chuffedstokie on Sept 17, 2020 8:33:39 GMT
Just back from the supermarket, I was told by friends that all was needed were mask and gloves, they lied, everyone else was wearing clothes.
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Post by mattyd2 on Sept 17, 2020 9:18:44 GMT
Snow White : "I am really sorry about this boys, but 2 of you need to fuck off before Monday" Whoooooshh. Am I missing summat.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2020 10:32:25 GMT
Snow White : "I am really sorry about this boys, but 2 of you need to fuck off before Monday" Whoooooshh. Am I missing summat. if you are so amI
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Post by dexta on Sept 17, 2020 10:49:19 GMT
Snow White : "I am really sorry about this boys, but 2 of you need to fuck off before Monday" Whoooooshh. Am I missing summat. the rule of 6
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Post by lordb on Sept 17, 2020 11:13:36 GMT
Whoooooshh. Am I missing summat. the rule of 6 Thanks, I didn't get it either. He who laughs last doesn't get the joke
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Post by mattyd2 on Sept 17, 2020 11:17:15 GMT
Whoooooshh. Am I missing summat. the rule of 6 Ahhhhhhhhhhh...
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