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Post by Rednwhitenblue on Jul 3, 2020 18:15:39 GMT
My confirmed bachelor uncle always describes himself as asexual.
I'd definitely add b) gay.
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Post by Okie Stokie. on Jul 3, 2020 18:32:05 GMT
Piers Morgan..........not just on a Friday every fecking day.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2020 19:44:55 GMT
A man knocks on Mrs. Smith’s door and says, “There’s been an accident at the brewery. Your husband fell into a vat of beer and drowned.”
Mrs. Smith wails, “Oh, my poor love ! It must have been terrible, I guess he never had a chance!”
The man says, “I don’t know about that. He got out three times to go for a piss.”
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2020 19:51:40 GMT
My wife's dog died so I replaced it with an identical one.
Typical woman, 'what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?' she yelled at me
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Post by 828492 on Jul 3, 2020 21:54:36 GMT
Why do French people only ever have one egg for breakfast?
Because for French people one egg is un oeuf.
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Post by alsagerstokie on Jul 5, 2020 21:21:29 GMT
If life gives you Melons your probably dyslexic
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jul 6, 2020 7:13:00 GMT
Amazon are asking people to stand outside and applaud for all the delivery drivers that have helped those who have been shielded for 3 months and other delivery drivers who have brought essential food to others. The applaud will take place this Thursday between 9am and 9pm.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jul 7, 2020 11:46:05 GMT
Wife: Could you please go and buy 1 carton of milk and if they have eggs get six.
Some time later husband walks in with 6 cartons of milk.
Wife: Why the hell did you get 6 cartons of milk!?.
Husband: They had eggs.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2020 11:58:05 GMT
Wife: Could you please go and buy 1 carton of milk and if they have eggs get six. Some time later husband walks in with 6 cartons of milk. Wife: Why the hell did you get 6 cartons of milk!?. Husband: They had eggs.
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Post by danceswithclams on Jul 10, 2020 14:59:15 GMT
Bloke who operates the weighbridge where I work has been been found guilty of luring countless women to his place of work and groping them.
Turns out he was committing sexual abuse on an industrial scale.
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Post by alsagerstokie on Jul 10, 2020 19:20:05 GMT
Next time politicians want a pay rise, let's all just give them a round of applause instead.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jul 10, 2020 20:40:39 GMT
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2020 3:45:47 GMT
An apple tart is $2 in Jamaica, $2.75 in Trinidad and $3.20 in St Kitts
Those are The pie rates of the Caribbean
(I'm real sorry)
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Post by The man from Utch on Jul 11, 2020 15:17:25 GMT
You should be
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Post by marylandstoke on Jul 12, 2020 17:37:43 GMT
An apple tart is $2 in Jamaica, $2.75 in Trinidad and $3.20 in St Kitts Those are The pie rates of the Caribbean (I'm real sorry) Last Halloween the librarians in my branch were all dressed up and my fave was wearing a pirates outfit. Used this joke and killed I tell you 🏴☠️
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Post by Tosh on Jul 17, 2020 14:35:51 GMT
What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Hensons funeral?
Nothing.
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Post by Tosh on Jul 17, 2020 14:42:24 GMT
Most of the 15 year olds on my estate are actually decent, law abiding citizens. It's their kids who cause all the trouble.
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Post by Tosh on Jul 17, 2020 14:55:58 GMT
A horse walks into a bar. Several of the patrons quickly get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.
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Post by Tosh on Jul 17, 2020 14:56:27 GMT
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor? “Where’s my tractor?”
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jul 17, 2020 16:05:11 GMT
Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jul 17, 2020 17:42:25 GMT
Now eagerly waiting the next instalment from clams,that's not a joke, just am.
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Post by danceswithclams on Jul 17, 2020 17:56:21 GMT
I recently failed my simile class.
Can't tell you what that was like.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2020 18:11:07 GMT
Billy decided to buy a present for his Uncle Tom's birthday, so with his older brother’s help he bought a present, gift wrapped it, and took it over on his uncle's birthday.
His uncle, knowing that Billy’s father manufactured apple juice, and seeing a wet spot on the bottom corner of the box, decided to have some fun with Billy by trying to guess what was in the box.
“Hmm” said Uncle Tom, dipping his finger on the wet spot and taking a quick taste, “I’m going to guess it’s a case of apple juice.”
“No” said Billy jumping up and down clearly enjoying the game.
“Not apple juice?” Said Uncle Tom clearly surprised. After another quick taste and a brief pause he guessed again “is it apple cider?”
“No,” said Billy practically squealing in excitement “IT’S A PUPPY!”
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Post by pretzel on Jul 17, 2020 20:12:08 GMT
I recently failed my simile class. Can't tell you what that was like. I called my mate to tell him I'd failed my diploma in Aborginal music. He replied "Did ya re-do it"
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Post by maxplonk on Jul 18, 2020 5:18:10 GMT
Did you hear about the deaf gynaecologist who learned to read lips?
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jul 18, 2020 7:56:54 GMT
Did you hear about the deaf gynaecologist who learned to read lips? Or the gynaecologist who decorated his hallway through the letterbox?
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Post by lordb on Jul 18, 2020 8:38:19 GMT
Did you hear about the deaf gynaecologist who learned to read lips? Or the gynaecologist who decorated his hallway through the letterbox? Do part time gynaecologists do it just to keep their hand in?
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jul 18, 2020 17:59:55 GMT
While cooking today I accidentally rubbed herbs in my eyes.
I'm now Parsley sighted.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2020 18:27:25 GMT
Accotding to statistics someone gets stabbed in London every 8 minutes
Poor fella
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Post by murphthesurf on Jul 19, 2020 22:04:37 GMT
While cooking today I accidentally rubbed herbs in my eyes. I'm now Parsley sighted. Love it. You ought to live at Dil-horne, Chuff. And have 'You've lost that lovage feeling' as your favourite record..... I know, I know. I'll get me coat!
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