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Post by Cast no shadow on Jul 21, 2020 16:25:19 GMT
It's my scouse nephews 9th birthday coming up, no idea what to get him so I just stuck £20 in his Nans purse.
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Post by thequietman on Jul 22, 2020 23:38:29 GMT
Or the gynaecologist who decorated his hallway through the letterbox? Do part time gynaecologists do it just to keep their hand in? What does a gynaecologist's wife say to him when he gets home from work? "Hello dear, did you have a good day at the orifice?"
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Post by innocentbystander on Jul 23, 2020 21:38:04 GMT
Do part time gynaecologists do it just to keep their hand in? What does a gynaecologist's wife say to him when he gets home from work? "Hello dear, did you have a good day at the orifice?" He replies "Not bad, on the whole"
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Post by spiderpuss on Jul 23, 2020 23:09:14 GMT
What does a gynaecologist's wife say to him when he gets home from work? "Hello dear, did you have a good day at the orifice?" He replies "Not bad, on the whole" Except there was a bit of fannying around during the day.
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Post by farnborostokie63 on Jul 24, 2020 5:41:33 GMT
He replies "Not bad, on the whole" Except there was a bit of fannying around during the day. there was also a couple of hairy moments as well
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jul 24, 2020 8:19:28 GMT
A newly married couple decide to lay on an evening meal for her folks. She wants to impress mum and dad and decides on French cuisine. So she sends her husband out to buy fresh snails. He buys a bag of snails and decides to call in his local on his way home for a 'stiffener'. Time gets away from him and he has a few more than he planned. He looks at his watch and sees it's 9pm already. He runs home full tilt and empties the bag of snails on the path then knocks on the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams at him. He turns to the path and says, 'C'mon lads, almost there.'
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Post by raythesailor on Jul 24, 2020 10:33:10 GMT
Bloke comes home and says to wife, I didn’t enjoy those sandwiches today. What was on them ?
She replies Crab Paste.
Crab Paste? Where did you get it from?
The Chemist she replies 🤪
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Post by Cast no shadow on Jul 26, 2020 15:22:51 GMT
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make him go faster but, if anything, it’s made him more sluggish.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jul 28, 2020 6:52:34 GMT
Yesterday the owner of Dulux Paints was found frozen to death half way up Mount Everest. Mountain Rescue spokesman said he could have done with another coat.
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Post by meggeth on Jul 28, 2020 23:08:50 GMT
What did the slug say to the snail?
"Big Issue mate?"
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Post by pearo on Jul 29, 2020 9:37:38 GMT
Yesterday the owner of Dulux Paints was found frozen to death half way up Mount Everest. Mountain Rescue spokesman said he could have done with another coat. I was in a traffic jam yesterday due to a tanker full of purple Dulux paint spilling it’s load, I was marooned for 3 hours
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jul 29, 2020 10:54:51 GMT
Has anyone heard of the famous cricketer, Tooslip Sandergally.
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Post by pearo on Jul 29, 2020 17:58:58 GMT
During the war four soldiers were captured by the enemy, there was a Welshman, a Scot, an Irishman and an Englishman. The captain of the enemy forces said “ In the morning you will all be killed by a firing squad but I will grant you all one last request.”
The Welshman said “ I would like a thousand Welshmen singing Land of my Fathers.”
The Scot said “ I would like a thousand bagpipers playing Flower of Scotland.”
The Irishman said “ I would like a thousand Irish people doing the Riverdance.”
The Englishman said “ Shoot me first”
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Post by pretzel on Jul 29, 2020 20:11:56 GMT
What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce and a tomato?
Chicken Caesar salad
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jul 31, 2020 8:28:23 GMT
A Primary school teacher decides to get the class bonding more by asking each of them to tell the rest of the class what their own family most needs.
Simon stands up and says that his family needs more money. He says his dad goes out to work before he is up and returns after bed time to put what food he can on the table. So a little more money is what he wants.The teacher is choked and turns to the next pupil. Sarah stands up and says that her family most needs her brother back. He ran away from home a year ago and hasn't been heard from since. Her mother sits by the winnow looking forlornly out waiting for him to come back. So her brother back is what she'd like. The teacher is tearing up as each child recounts a heart wrenching wish. Finally she comes to little Johnny, who has a reputation as the class cocky trouble maker. But they've all had a go so she asks Johnny what his family most needs. Johnny stands up and says "my family needs nothing miss." She is astounded and enquires how his family needs nothing, surely there must be something they need?
"No miss, my 13 year old sister came home last night and she said she was pregnant. My dad said 'bollocks, that's all we need'."
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Post by danceswithclams on Jul 31, 2020 9:12:38 GMT
Sean Connery has adopted a cat...
Teaching his dog to sit was too messy.
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Post by alsagerstokie on Jul 31, 2020 11:33:43 GMT
I was cleaning out my dad's loft the other day and stumbled across his old porn collection. Really vintage stuff it was, quite disturbing.
I'm glad I found it though, I'd forgotten how blonde my hair used to be.
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Post by pearo on Aug 4, 2020 19:37:57 GMT
I think I may have been scammed by a joiner, I paid him to make me a bespoke double bed but he’s done a bunk
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Post by Goonie on Aug 6, 2020 17:43:18 GMT
While cooking today I accidentally rubbed herbs in my eyes. I'm now Parsley sighted. That's my favourite joke this year!
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Post by Clayton Wood on Aug 7, 2020 12:53:40 GMT
A woman decides time and gravity have taken their toll and to get a boob job. Her friends all recommend Mr Smith, the best consultant. Mr Smith examines her and says he's more than happy to do her implants, but there is a cheaper, non invasive and zero recovery option she could try first.
He explains that each morning after stepping out of the shower she should massage her breasts and say 'Scooby Dooby Doobies...I want big boobies.' She goes home and tries this and to her immense surprise after about a month she has the most firm and ample bosom.
Then one morning she's sitting on the bus on the way to work when she realises she had forgotten to do her morning exercise. Fearing all the good work would be undone she starts to rub her chest with the 'Scooby Dooby Doobies' chant.
The man on the other side of the aisle asks her if she is using Mr Smith, the consultant.
'Wow! Yes. How did you know?'
He leans over, winks and says 'Hickory Dicory Dock'
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Post by danceswithclams on Aug 7, 2020 13:50:17 GMT
Woke up last night after dreaming that I was afloat on a vast lake of orange water.
Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Aug 7, 2020 18:47:03 GMT
What can coronavirus do that the United States government can’t?
Stop school shootings.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Aug 7, 2020 18:48:02 GMT
Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.
Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
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Post by cerebralstokie on Aug 8, 2020 13:02:08 GMT
This is an oldie and I only post it in the light of our recent signing. What is the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl? One shoots and shoots and never hits. The other hoots and hoots and never..........
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Post by lawrieleslie on Aug 8, 2020 13:07:58 GMT
What do you call a security steward at the turnstiles of Bet365..........Pat.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2020 15:47:50 GMT
Say what you want about Paedos but at least they obey the speed limit in School Zones
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Post by chuffedstokie on Aug 13, 2020 21:59:42 GMT
I tried to give blood today, NEVER AGAIN. Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?
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Post by NassauDave on Aug 14, 2020 2:20:29 GMT
Except there was a bit of fannying around during the day. there was also a couple of hairy moments as well And I had to deal with some right cunts today.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2020 7:19:25 GMT
what do you call a Hippie's wife ?
Mississippi
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Post by Clayton Wood on Aug 14, 2020 8:38:22 GMT
I've given up my job with the orchestra since all these storms hit. Too risky being the conductor.
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