A newly married couple decide to lay on an evening meal for her folks. She wants to impress mum and dad and decides on French cuisine. So she sends her husband out to buy fresh snails. He buys a bag of snails and decides to call in his local on his way home for a 'stiffener'. Time gets away from him and he has a few more than he planned. He looks at his watch and sees it's 9pm already. He runs home full tilt and empties the bag of snails on the path then knocks on the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams at him. He turns to the path and says, 'C'mon lads, almost there.'
During the war four soldiers were captured by the enemy, there was a Welshman, a Scot, an Irishman and an Englishman. The captain of the enemy forces said “ In the morning you will all be killed by a firing squad but I will grant you all one last request.”
The Welshman said “ I would like a thousand Welshmen singing Land of my Fathers.”
The Scot said “ I would like a thousand bagpipers playing Flower of Scotland.”
The Irishman said “ I would like a thousand Irish people doing the Riverdance.”
A Primary school teacher decides to get the class bonding more by asking each of them to tell the rest of the class what their own family most needs.
Simon stands up and says that his family needs more money. He says his dad goes out to work before he is up and returns after bed time to put what food he can on the table. So a little more money is what he wants.The teacher is choked and turns to the next pupil. Sarah stands up and says that her family most needs her brother back. He ran away from home a year ago and hasn't been heard from since. Her mother sits by the winnow looking forlornly out waiting for him to come back. So her brother back is what she'd like. The teacher is tearing up as each child recounts a heart wrenching wish. Finally she comes to little Johnny, who has a reputation as the class cocky trouble maker. But they've all had a go so she asks Johnny what his family most needs. Johnny stands up and says "my family needs nothing miss." She is astounded and enquires how his family needs nothing, surely there must be something they need?
"No miss, my 13 year old sister came home last night and she said she was pregnant. My dad said 'bollocks, that's all we need'."
A woman decides time and gravity have taken their toll and to get a boob job. Her friends all recommend Mr Smith, the best consultant. Mr Smith examines her and says he's more than happy to do her implants, but there is a cheaper, non invasive and zero recovery option she could try first.
He explains that each morning after stepping out of the shower she should massage her breasts and say 'Scooby Dooby Doobies...I want big boobies.' She goes home and tries this and to her immense surprise after about a month she has the most firm and ample bosom.
Then one morning she's sitting on the bus on the way to work when she realises she had forgotten to do her morning exercise. Fearing all the good work would be undone she starts to rub her chest with the 'Scooby Dooby Doobies' chant.
The man on the other side of the aisle asks her if she is using Mr Smith, the consultant.
'Wow! Yes. How did you know?'
He leans over, winks and says 'Hickory Dicory Dock'