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Post by pretzel on Jun 5, 2020 14:38:30 GMT
Saw a delivery driver with the slogan "we go the extra mile" on their van. I don't see the point, I'm not walking up Hanley to collect my parcel. I got into a fight with a Hermes Driver in the pub He threatened me and said to me 'I know where you live mate' I had to point out to him that he obviously had no bloody clue And even if he did know where you live, what's the point in arranging a fight that's going to happen sometime between 11am and 6pm
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2020 16:50:25 GMT
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.
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Post by pretzel on Jun 5, 2020 21:35:59 GMT
A mate text me tonight and said "I've had a massive fight with the wife, have you got a spare bed for a few days until a flat can be found?"
I replied "Yeah sure, I can make up the sofa bed in the spare room"
He just text me back saying "You're the best mate a man could have.... I'll send her round in a bit"
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Post by wagsastokie on Jun 6, 2020 12:19:07 GMT
A man who trained his dog to play the trumpet on the London underground says he went from barking to tooting In just over a hour
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jun 12, 2020 9:06:32 GMT
Two nuns are cycling back to the convent. The first says, "I know a short cut down the alley, we'll use that." About half way along the second nun says, "I've never come this way before." "It's the cobblestones," replies the first.
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Post by pretzel on Jun 12, 2020 9:38:28 GMT
Zoos across the UK are set to reopen this weekend after hundreds of furloughed flamingos put their foot down.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2020 11:44:22 GMT
Scientists recently discovered that beer contains large traces of female hormones. This was proven by giving 100 men each 12 pints of beer to drink and observed that 100% of them started talking complete nonsense and couldn’t drive to save their lives.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jun 19, 2020 9:19:08 GMT
What should you do if you are addicted to sea weed?
Sea kelp.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jun 19, 2020 9:27:24 GMT
A man sends a text to his next door neighbour: I'm sorry Bob but during the lockdown while you have been out on the front line I've been helping myself to your wife. I'm deeply ashamed and promise it will never happen again.
Enraged the neighbour goes into the bedroom and shoots his wife.
A second text arrives: Fuckin predictive text, that should say wifi.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2020 12:07:27 GMT
Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs were badly injured. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just putting off the inevitable.
However due to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news. Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently.
“Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?”
Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!”
“Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be amputated.”
Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out, “Eva, what’s the good news?”
“The good news” said Eva happily, “is that the Doctor that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your shoes !”
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Post by 828492 on Jun 19, 2020 16:25:50 GMT
What is made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones
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Post by lordb on Jun 19, 2020 17:34:54 GMT
What is made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones Not sure if this is the best or worst joke on this thread. Ah fuck it, it's daft funny.
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Post by marylandstoke on Jun 19, 2020 17:39:00 GMT
The first 30 minutes of Norwich Southampton?
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Post by danceswithclams on Jun 19, 2020 23:06:41 GMT
I bought a Craig David branded fridge but had to take it back because it was faulty.
It only chilled on Sunday.
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Jun 19, 2020 23:33:04 GMT
I bought a Craig David branded fridge but had to take it back because it was faulty. It only chilled on Sunday. Made me choke on me Tyskie that did🤣
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Post by stokieinaus on Jun 20, 2020 0:27:03 GMT
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, so she takes her issue to the HR department. She asks them to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy. The HR person is slightly puzzled and asks “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” It’s Frank the midget
Apologies if already posted
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Post by Tosh on Jun 20, 2020 16:18:36 GMT
Two bananas are sunbathing by the river, after a while one looks towards to water and sees a turd floating past. The poo shouts up at the bananas and says 'come on in, the waters lovely' One banana looks at the other and says 'can you believe that shit?!'
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Post by wagsastokie on Jun 21, 2020 13:44:03 GMT
Last time Wayne Rooney took the knee was
When his lover dropped her walking frame
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Post by scfcwebby on Jun 21, 2020 20:26:40 GMT
If life gives you melons... Chances are you're dyslexic
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jun 26, 2020 18:57:33 GMT
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jun 26, 2020 19:08:00 GMT
Marine scientists have discovered that crabs hear through their legs, they shouted at one and it scuttled off. They then removed its legs and shouted again, it stood still. 🤔
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Post by marylandstoke on Jun 26, 2020 20:02:59 GMT
Absolutely brilliant. Where did the cut glass accent go when the f bomb rolled out
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Post by danceswithclams on Jun 26, 2020 20:15:37 GMT
Did you hear the one about Sean Connery's brother's newborn daughter?
It's a little niche...
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Jun 26, 2020 20:16:59 GMT
Did you hear the one about Sean Connery's brother's newborn daughter? It's a little niche... Superb👏🏻
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Jun 29, 2020 13:24:02 GMT
Do you know what's on the menu at Dignitas for their last breakfast?
Cheerios
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Post by marylandstoke on Jun 29, 2020 13:57:34 GMT
Two nuns are cycling back to the convent. The first says, "I know a short cut down the alley, we'll use that." About half way along the second nun says, "I've never come this way before." "It's the cobblestones," replies the first. Two nuns in a bath. One says “Where’s the soap?” and the other says ”Yes, it does”
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jun 29, 2020 16:10:17 GMT
Two nuns are cycling back to the convent. The first says, "I know a short cut down the alley, we'll use that." About half way along the second nun says, "I've never come this way before." "It's the cobblestones," replies the first. Two nuns in a bath. One says “Where’s the soap?” and the other says ”Yes, it does” A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes. One of them yells out “£10 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and hurries the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “£10, same as in town”
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Post by alsagerstokie on Jun 30, 2020 11:57:34 GMT
Dyslexic lives Mattress
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jul 3, 2020 8:31:24 GMT
My wife asked me, “If I die, will you re-marry?”
I replied, “I don’t know love, I don’t think about those sorts of things.”
“Well If you did, would she live in our house?” she asked
I said, “I don’t know, I haven’t even thought about it!”
Then she asked “Would you let her wear my clothes?”
I replied “Nah she’s not your size”
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Post by danceswithclams on Jul 3, 2020 17:14:36 GMT
How many nihilists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn't matter.
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