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Post by Paul Spencer on Mar 27, 2024 11:49:57 GMT
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know how Mummy and Daddy love each other very much, well two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what does 'penetrating gays' mean?
Me: Erm ... you better read me the whole sentence
Her: 'She stared at him with a penetrating gaze'
Me: Oh
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Post by pretzel on Mar 27, 2024 15:42:37 GMT
Daughter: What does gays mean? Me: Well you know how Mummy and Daddy love each other very much, well two men can love each other the same way Her: So what does 'penetrating gays' mean? Me: Erm ... you better read me the whole sentence Her: 'She stared at him with a penetrating gaze' Me: Oh
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Post by questionable on Mar 30, 2024 19:56:50 GMT
Had a new dog, she's an 8 wks old puppy. I bought her as a surprise for my wite, but she is allergic to dogs so l am now urgently looking to find her a new home. She's 57yrs old, a wondertul and caring woman who drives, is a great cook, good with kids and keeps a clean house....
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Post by lawrieleslie on Apr 4, 2024 12:59:02 GMT
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Post by deeside2 on Apr 4, 2024 16:39:59 GMT
A junior school teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely". To make sure the children have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first child raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy". Another child says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Finally, Billy raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So Billy replies, "Then I definitely just shit my pants."
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Post by pretzel on Apr 4, 2024 18:15:04 GMT
Q. What do you call a Spanish flasher
A. Signor Willy
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Post by lawrieleslie on Apr 5, 2024 7:18:15 GMT
Sad news from Scotland the owner of Dulux Paint has been found dead on Ben Nevis Mountain Rescue said he died from hypothermia and could have done with another coat.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Apr 5, 2024 13:11:13 GMT
Just had an email that wanted me to download an app that reads maps backwards. Turns out it was spam.
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Post by atillathehoneybee on Apr 5, 2024 13:29:34 GMT
Humpty Dumpty sat on a rock Little Bo Peep was sucking his cock As soon as he came she started to weep She knew by the taste he'd been fucking her sheep
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Post by deeside2 on Apr 6, 2024 5:52:35 GMT
The inventor of Predictive Text died recently. The funnel will be held tomato.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Apr 6, 2024 8:06:46 GMT
The Mrs suggested we should spice things up in the bedroom and play doctors and nurses ………so I put her on a trolley and ignored her for two days.
The inventor of the dishwasher was buried today. They lowered him down, then his wife took him out and put him in the right way.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Apr 6, 2024 8:51:46 GMT
A new Eskimo Restaurant has opened in Fenton. I went in the other day and the menu was Whale Meat Whale Meat Vera Lynn
I asked the waiter what the Vera Lynn was he replied ……….."Whale meat again".
I’m off
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Post by chuffedstokie on Apr 6, 2024 8:54:16 GMT
A new Eskimo Restaurant has opened in Fenton. I went in the other day and the menu was Whale Meat Whale Meat Vera Lynn I asked the waiter what the Vera Lynn was he replied ……….."Whale meat again". I’m off 👏👍
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Post by lawrieleslie on Apr 6, 2024 9:01:45 GMT
I’m back……. Two nuns sitting on park bench discussing god stuff
flasher comes by and opens his mac ...
The first Nun, totally overcome with shock had a stroke.
The other one couldn’t quite reach
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Post by scfcwebby on Apr 7, 2024 11:20:00 GMT
ENGLISH MAN TO WELSHMAN - That's a lovely dog you've got, can I talk to him?
WELSHMAN - Dogs can't talk?
ENGLISH MAN TO DOG - Hey, you're a beautiful looking dog, how does your owner treat you?
DOG - hey, thanks for that. Yeah, he is great. Takes me for walks every day, and lets me sleep on the sofa, he's a really good guy.
**Welshman looks shocked and stares in amazement**
ENGLISHMAN - is that your horse too?
WELSHMAN - It is yeah
ENGLISHMAN - Mind if I talk to him?
WELSHMAN - Horses REALLY can't talk.
ENGLISHMAN TO HORSE - Hi there, how are you?
HORSE - hey I'm good thanks
ENGLISHMAN - how does he treat you?
HORSE - Yeah, he is great, he brushes me, takes me for long walks and gives me a lovely warm stable to sleep in.
**Welshman looks shocked and stares in amazement**
ENGLISHMAN - Mind if I talk to your sheep?
WELSHMAN - Don't believe a word he says, he's a fucking liar!
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Post by lawrieleslie on Apr 7, 2024 13:22:57 GMT
There’s a dodgy unsolicited email doing the rounds offering processed pork, gelatine & salt in a can. Do not open it ………..it’s spam
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Post by pretzel on Apr 7, 2024 21:37:33 GMT
I keep trying to badger the missus into letting me have sex with her on the bonnet of my Honda Civic.
All she keeps saying is, that if it's ever going to happen, it's going to be on her accord.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Apr 18, 2024 18:52:22 GMT
Paddy says to Mick, "I'm ready for a holiday but this year I'm going to do it a bit different". "3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant, 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant". Mick asks: "So what are you going to do different this year?". Paddy replies, "I'll take her with me".
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Post by stokefc on Apr 18, 2024 19:25:55 GMT
Paddy says to Mick, "I'm ready for a holiday but this year I'm going to do it a bit different". "3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant, 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant". Mick asks: "So what are you going to do different this year?". Paddy replies, "I'll take her with me". Ha , that's just reminded me Paddy and Mick walking across the road Paddy gets knocked over breaking his leg , while lying in the road Paddy shouts to Mick , call me an ambulance Mick shouts back Paddy is an ambulance , Paddy is an ambulance
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Post by Clayton Wood on Apr 19, 2024 16:06:52 GMT
A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, "Book." The librarian says, "You want a book?" "Book." "Any book?" "Book." So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, "Book-book". The librarian says, “Now you want two books?” "Book-book." So she gives the chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves but again comes back later. "Book-book-book." "Three books?" "Book-book-book." So the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she decides she’ll follow the chicken and find out what’s going on. And the chicken goes down the road, out of town and toward the woods, into the woods and down to the river, down to the swamp, and there is a bullfrog. The chicken sets the books down by him. The bullfrog looks at the books and says,
"Reddit…Reddit…Reddit…”
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Post by Kpsje on Apr 19, 2024 20:31:48 GMT
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Apr 21, 2024 9:10:23 GMT
What do you call a sheep on a trampoline?
A woolly jumper.
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Post by 828492 on Apr 26, 2024 12:36:09 GMT
An Irishman sends a WhatsApp message to his wife from the pub. ‘Mary, I’m just having one last pint with the lads, if I’m not home in twenty minutes read this message again’.
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Post by deeside2 on Apr 26, 2024 15:37:05 GMT
During a Budget announcement the Chancellor told the people: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new ambitious building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."-
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Post by 828492 on Apr 26, 2024 18:20:02 GMT
During a Budget announcement the Chancellor told the people: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new ambitious building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in the offshore accounts of rich Tory supporters’-
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Post by Clayton Wood on Apr 26, 2024 19:03:30 GMT
What do you call a rooster staring at a piece of lettuce? A chicken sees a salad.
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Apr 26, 2024 19:09:43 GMT
What do you call a rooster staring at a piece of lettuce? A chicken sees a salad. Brilliant
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Post by telfordstoke on Apr 26, 2024 19:16:33 GMT
Lots of F1 drivers are named after Scottish places. Stirling Moss Lewis Hamilton Ayr Town centre.
(Courtesy of Robert Wilkinson on Twitter)
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