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Post by scfc1863 on Dec 11, 2023 10:54:09 GMT
Christmas spirit my arse...... I just got sacked from my job at the calendar printers for taking a day off.
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Post by wannabee on Dec 15, 2023 10:56:43 GMT
Generally I'm not an early riser, but occasionally I like to get up at the Crack of Dawn.
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Post by marylandstoke on Dec 15, 2023 12:18:11 GMT
The Doctor asked me if I was regular.
I told him I move my bowels, regularly at 6am every morning.
He seemed very pleased until I pointed out I don’t usually get up until 7.
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Post by marylandstoke on Dec 15, 2023 14:45:33 GMT
It’s a little know fact but Earth, Wind and Fire started as Earth,Wind,Fire and Pollen but their manager was allergic.
The bitter irony is September was his worst month.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Dec 22, 2023 10:44:40 GMT
Adam and Eve are wondering whether they are black or white. Eve says why don't you go and ask God? So Adam goes into the garden of Eden and shouts out to God are we black or white? A big booming voice bellows out YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE. He immediately goes back to Eve and tells her that they are white. How do you know? asks Eve. Because he said you are what you are Adam replied. Why does that mean we are white? asked Eve. Because if we were black he would have said You is what you is.
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Post by flea79 on Dec 22, 2023 14:01:19 GMT
Adam and Eve are wondering whether they are black or white. Eve says why don't you go and ask God? So Adam goes into the garden of Eden and shouts out to God are we black or white? A big booming voice bellows out YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE. He immediately goes back to Eve and tells her that they are white. How do you know? asks Eve. Because he said you are what you are Adam replied. Why does that mean we are white? asked Eve. Because if we were black he would have said You is what you is. i heard that joke as a young man and then repeated it at primary school in front of my headteacher who had to educate me about the racism behind the joke!
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Post by pretzel on Dec 22, 2023 19:47:34 GMT
I'm getting together a bunch of people off the Oatcake to come out carol singing with me tomorrow night to raise money for a local charity. If you're up for it just ping me a message.
The choir I've assembled so far are Dean, Don, Mary, Lee and I
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Post by Paul Spencer on Dec 22, 2023 22:11:25 GMT
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Post by wannabee on Dec 22, 2023 22:29:12 GMT
A middle aged North Wales couple Taff and Gwenith had originally met at Bible Class but due to their Religious Beliefs there courtship hadn't progressed beyond kissing and cuddling
Circumstances prevented Marriage as Taff was the main caregiver to his elderly Mother and Gwenith to her elderly Father
Unexpectedly in a six month period sad but ultimately happy events occurred when Taff's Mother and Gwenith's Father passed and so they proceeded to get married
On the Honeymoon night the sexual tension in the bedroom was palpable as they climbed naked into the Matrimonial Bed
As Taff was about to get astride Gwenith she gently whispered to him "Be gentle with me Taff as I have Acute Angina" Ever the gallant Taff whispers back tenderly "I'm delighted to hear that Gwenith as you have a horrible pair of Tits"
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Post by Clayton Wood on Dec 23, 2023 9:52:30 GMT
Johnson/Corbyn/Sturgeon/Foster* go out on a fact-finding mission to a rural village. "I'm hear to understand your local issues." * says in front of the crowd convened on the village green. The leader of the Parish Council steps forward and says, "We have two main issues here. Firstly, we have a cottage hospital but no doctor." * pulls out their phone, and speaks. Cutting off the call they promise "A doctor will be here in the morning. What's the second problem?" "We have no mobile phone signal in this village." Replies the councillor. *Delete/substitute as required. Yeah it's aged well Paul!
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Post by deeside2 on Dec 23, 2023 11:44:39 GMT
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo ?
A pouch potato
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Post by jesusmcmuffin on Dec 23, 2023 11:47:20 GMT
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo ? A pouch potato Biggins and now this You're a terrible person !
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Post by marylandstoke on Dec 30, 2023 12:47:07 GMT
Johnson/Corbyn/Sturgeon/Foster* go out on a fact-finding mission to a rural village. "I'm hear to understand your local issues." * says in front of the crowd convened on the village green. The leader of the Parish Council steps forward and says, "We have two main issues here. Firstly, we have a cottage hospital but no doctor." * pulls out their phone, and speaks. Cutting off the call they promise "A doctor will be here in the morning. What's the second problem?" "We have no mobile phone signal in this village." Replies the councillor. *Delete/substitute as required. Yeah it's aged well Paul! Was Trump and West Virginia when I last told it
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Post by atillathehoneybee on Dec 30, 2023 13:37:33 GMT
I'm getting together a bunch of people off the Oatcake to come out carol singing with me tomorrow night to raise money for a local charity. If you're up for it just ping me a message. The choir I've assembled so far are Dean, Don, Mary, Lee and I Ahhh...I finally got it... Ding Dong Merrily on High...
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Post by scfc1863 on Dec 30, 2023 15:00:46 GMT
As 2023 is almost done, I've decided on my New Year resolution.
So, with the environment in mind, no more body air sprays............. roll on next year.
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Post by Goonie on Dec 30, 2023 21:41:34 GMT
Bloke goes the doctors with a terrible stutter
"D,d,d,d,d,d,doctor c,c,c,c,c,can you h,h,h,help me?"
The doctor is so shocked by the man's distress he says he'll do every test under the sun to help him and to come back next week
The following week he returns and the doctor says they've discovered the reason for his stuttering: his penis is so large that all the blood is draining from his brain to his organ and the lack of oxygen is causing the stuttering. The bad news is to cure it a large section of his penis will need to be removed. Reluctantly the man agrees and the operation is a complete success
However a month later he returns to the doctor and says "I feel terrible, my penis is weird looking so small, girls don't find me so attractive anymore. I want the operation reversed"
The doctor says, " Y,y,y,y,you g,g,g,go f,f,f,f,f,fuck yourself"
(Probably better spoken)
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Post by chuffedstokie on Dec 31, 2023 15:11:06 GMT
A bloke said to me today, "Are those thick lens glasses you're wearing" No, I said, they're mine.
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Post by jesusmcmuffin on Dec 31, 2023 16:04:40 GMT
A bloke said to me today, "Are those thick lens glasses you're wearing" No, I said, they're mine. Took me a min 😁
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jan 3, 2024 8:29:16 GMT
Took my dog to the park the other day to play frisbee with him, he was useless. Think I need a flatter dog.
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Post by marylandstoke on Jan 7, 2024 15:32:57 GMT
Man was arrested in the park for feeding the pigeons.
He was feeding them to his Doberman.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jan 9, 2024 20:00:32 GMT
I went to the doctors with a hearing problem. He said "can you describe the symptoms". I said, "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair".
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Post by hotterpotter on Jan 9, 2024 22:02:34 GMT
What's the difference between head-butter and a boxer?
Nutting.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jan 11, 2024 9:16:16 GMT
Inadvertently stepped in front of a Mr Kipling delivery lorry this morning but thankfully he managed to avoid me. I have to say Mr Kipling does have exceedingly good brakes.
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Post by Paul Spencer on Jan 17, 2024 0:03:12 GMT
An old, blind man wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jan 18, 2024 8:56:13 GMT
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?…………pumpkin pi
I’ll get my coat
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jan 18, 2024 9:50:04 GMT
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?…………pumpkin pi I’ll get my coat Moving swiftly on....😄
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Post by backintheday on Jan 18, 2024 12:36:54 GMT
An old, blind man wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' Well done sir😂
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Post by deeside2 on Jan 18, 2024 12:57:09 GMT
A man was just about to go into a pub when he saw an old man fishing in a puddle outside. "Poor old fool,” the man thought so he invited the old man inside for a drink. The man asked, “So how many have you caught today ?
The old man thought for a second then replied, “You’re the eighth.”
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jan 19, 2024 7:54:38 GMT
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jan 19, 2024 9:45:50 GMT
A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student puts up his hand and says 'G.' The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"
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