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Post by stokie25 on Feb 21, 2009 10:39:53 GMT
Saturday morning, match day and Jehovah's witnesses are knocking around the street taking up my valuable time.
Luckily, we saw them collaring our vale fan neighbour **snigger** for a good 10 minutes...so i can ignore the door, but they often catch you unawares.
I'm sure they have a valuable principle to preach but i don't want to hear it.
I never know what to say, "f**k off" seems a bit harsh! Whats the best way to get rid of them without feeling guilty?
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Post by stokiematt on Feb 21, 2009 10:46:43 GMT
Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry. (immediate results)
Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of Christian charity lasts.
Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.
Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the Forty two children. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat. (2 Kings in Chapter 2, umm... somewhere near the end).
Excuse yourself from the front door and DO NOT come back.
Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls. (bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)
Pick an often repeated word in their vocabulary (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.
Same as above, except say "beep" instead of giggling.
Guys can show an intense interest in their spiel. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole works. (make encouraging noises [uh huh, I see...] throughout and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7) If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.
Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God
google has all the answers ;D
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Post by Orbs on Feb 21, 2009 10:47:40 GMT
Tell them you have read lots of Richard Dawkins books and therefore believe in the Theory of Evolution ;D
Edit:- What Matt said.
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Post by stokie25 on Feb 21, 2009 10:50:45 GMT
very good fellas...almost hope they knock on now. ;D That said, i'm busy contemplating Stoke City today, so there's no room left in my brain...it'll save for next time
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Post by stokiematt on Feb 21, 2009 10:52:29 GMT
i dont advise the naked one...
could get locked up ;D
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Post by blurtonboy66 on Feb 21, 2009 11:14:43 GMT
Tell them to FUCK OFF, interfering bastards
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Post by edwardhitler on Feb 21, 2009 11:51:06 GMT
Start telling them about your religion, STOKE CITY and dont let them get a word in.
See how long they stand there. Even funnier if you give them a copy of the Oatcake to read or pass on to a family member!!
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Post by Dazzlerscfc on Feb 21, 2009 11:54:45 GMT
Start telling them about your religion, STOKE CITY and dont let them get a word in. See how long they stand there. Even funnier if you give them a copy of the Oatcake to read or pass on to a family member!! Agreed, If they give you a load of bollacks information on your doorstep they should stand in silence as you tell them how Abdoulaye Faye is harder than Chuck Norris.
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Post by edwardhitler on Feb 21, 2009 11:55:23 GMT
;D ;D
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Post by stokie25 on Feb 21, 2009 12:01:33 GMT
Start telling them about your religion, STOKE CITY and dont let them get a word in. See how long they stand there. Even funnier if you give them a copy of the Oatcake to read or pass on to a family member!! thats a good one! plenty of material to go at, i could even ask their opinion on a 4-5-1 formation for away games and the pros and cons thereof ;D
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Post by stokiematt on Feb 21, 2009 12:06:51 GMT
ask them what they think of the cresswell situation and if there god is faye and give support to why he is ;D
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Post by boothenboy75 on Feb 21, 2009 12:24:30 GMT
Once whilst bunking off school home for dinner, the do gooders caught me unawares and left me a copy of "The Watchtower", and having got my name out of me, said they'd call back in a couple of weeks to see what I thought of it. I promptly binned it and forgot all about. They duly returned, but this time the old man answered the door. When they asked for me, he lost it called them a couple of peados and told them not to come back. That was 20 odd years ago, and they've never been back since.
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Post by Pretty Little Boother on Feb 21, 2009 12:28:15 GMT
When I first started working at Bargain it was managed by a couple of them, once they locked me in a wineroom and started discussing theology and philosophy with me. I always like a good discussion, and it got me a couple of hours off work, so I don't mind them.
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Post by mermaidsal on Feb 21, 2009 13:37:37 GMT
Just say 'you are going to be soooooooooo disappointed, God bless.'
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Post by Yorkshirepotter on Feb 21, 2009 13:49:46 GMT
Ive got a copy of the Satanic Bible that is kept in the kitchen handy for when the tossers come. Simpley start reading that to them on the doorstep, does the trick every time. Even better if you see them coming and have time, whack a bit of Slayer on the stereo and do the same while holding your 18 month old daughter who (to the disgust of her mother ) you have taught to say 'hail satan'. That was one of the funniest moments of my life. I wish i had a picture of these two old bags faces ;D I really do hate the self important tossers!!!!!
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Post by bondygodfatherleek on Feb 21, 2009 17:05:50 GMT
Saturday morning, match day and Jehovah's witnesses are knocking around the street taking up my valuable time. Luckily, we saw them collaring our vale fan neighbour **snigger** for a good 10 minutes...so i can ignore the door, but they often catch you unawares. I'm sure they have a valuable principle to preach but i don't want to hear it. I never know what to say, "f**k off" seems a bit harsh! Whats the best way to get rid of them without feeling guilty? Tell them you give blood ;D 8-)me Then if there's no children with them tell them to Fuck Off ;D
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Post by Ron Jeremy on Feb 21, 2009 17:07:30 GMT
Nice one for the advice matt
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Post by Miniman on Feb 21, 2009 19:52:03 GMT
When some came to me I just answered every one of their questions with another question...often unrelated. I can remember them asking something about my beliefs and I asked so what do you think are my chances of getting into Heaven?
Then asked after their response, And what do you think, does my bum look big in this and did a 360 for them ;D They left after three more questions ;D
On a different note, they had a national conference at the Brit for a weekend didn't they?
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Post by stokie25 on Feb 21, 2009 23:12:29 GMT
When some came to me I just answered every one of their questions with another question...often unrelated. I can remember them asking something about my beliefs and I asked so what do you think are my chances of getting into Heaven? Then asked after their response, And what do you think, does my bum look big in this and did a 360 for them ;D They left after three more questions ;D On a different note, they had a national conference at the Brit for a weekend didn't they? yes they did! I remember that. Nipped down club shop in my lunch hour and everyone was suited and booted Asked why and the shop staff said it was a Jehovah's Witness convention running for 2 days . The staff looked well chuffed ;D ;D
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Post by Zippy Moon Dust on Feb 21, 2009 23:48:20 GMT
They don't come around to mine anymore I used to love acting stupid and lulling them into a false sense of security but slyly edging the conversation towards evolution and Darwin. BANG I'd have 'em. I studied and worked as a geologist for years so I knew what I was on about with regards palaeontology etc. They'd walk off sheepishly but sent another one the next week trying to discredit evolution ad infinitum until they stopped coming around. I still see them around, usually grouping by Castle Oatcakes and The Cherry Tree. They ignore me now ;D
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Post by Zippy Moon Dust on Feb 21, 2009 23:55:54 GMT
I was up in Thistleberry the last week and one of the mormons who usually hang about 'castle town centre approached me. Before he could get a word in I went up to him and started telling him about my (made up god) and wouldn't shut up and I asked him to come home alone with me for a cup of tea and a good chat.
He called his mate over and scuttled off. I saw him outside The Roebuck Centre yesterday. Last seen legging it out through Iceland onto Midway.
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Post by Rebelliousjukebox on Feb 22, 2009 9:49:20 GMT
Once whilst bunking off school home for dinner, the do gooders caught me unawares and left me a copy of "The Watchtower", and having got my name out of me, said they'd call back in a couple of weeks to see what I thought of it. I promptly binned it and forgot all about. They duly returned, but this time the old man answered the door. When they asked for me, he lost it called them a couple of peados and told them not to come back. That was 20 odd years ago, and they've never been back since. "Do gooders"? What have they ever done that has been of any good to anyone else than their own pathetic selves?
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Post by McLovin on Feb 22, 2009 14:33:09 GMT
rather than answer the door stick your penis through the letter box and piss on their footwear.
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Post by myleftboot on Feb 22, 2009 14:36:51 GMT
I live on one of the roughest estates in Newcastle. Here we have Jehova's bystanders.
They Witness FUCK ALL ;D
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Post by McLovin on Feb 22, 2009 15:06:48 GMT
what estate PCW?
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Post by myleftboot on Feb 22, 2009 15:08:55 GMT
I can't reveal that one Block 11 incase the bioard starts a man hunt ;D
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Post by Miniman on Feb 22, 2009 15:12:41 GMT
Just seen some go past ;D Didn't come to my door though, but went across to the elderly couple across the road and next door [phew ;D ]
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Post by McLovin on Feb 22, 2009 15:13:40 GMT
I can't reveal that one Block 11 incase the bioard starts a man hunt ;D Don;t worry, sure you've got a few "ballers" on that estate who "have yo back" ;D
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Post by prong on Apr 14, 2009 11:48:34 GMT
Start telling them about your religion, STOKE CITY and dont let them get a word in. See how long they stand there. Even funnier if you give them a copy of the Oatcake to read or pass on to a family member!! Agreed, If they give you a load of bollacks information on your doorstep they should stand in silence as you tell them how Abdoulaye Faye is harder than Chuck Norris. Don't fuck with Chuck.
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Post by kidsgrove4 on Apr 17, 2009 23:48:12 GMT
Quote lines from Life Of Brian.
"You say that once more, and I'll take you to the fucking cleaners".
"I'm Brian, and so is my wife.!"
;D
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