I truly, truly feel sorry for Nathan Jones having to work with these fucking useless pussies.
Just look at the shit we’re lumbered with, and how much of it needs cleansing.
Adam Federici - Tough to reserve judgement on Federici, he’s a decent back up keeper at this level, and hasn’t really played, he’d survive the cull
Jakob Haugaard - Quite simply there are people who don’t have arms that are a better goalkeeper than this fucking impostor, needs releasing ASAP
Jack Butland - What on Earth has gone on here? Was once destined for the England number 1 spot, since then he’s regressed into barely a championship standard goalkeeper, he can’t kick, he can’t command his area, he flaps more than a carrier bag in a breeze on crosses, and he can’t keep hold of shots that someone with muscular dystrophy could keep hold of, we’d be lucky to get £10 million for him now, needs carting off.
Moritz Bauer - Bauer is a strange one, he was truly one of the only half-competent players we had in the season we went down, since then he’s been inexplicably in the bomb squad, and since returning has all the positional sense of a pissed Stevie Wonder, needs carting off.
Tom Edwards - Has youth on his side, and with the right coaching could still come good, without question the best crosser of a ball at this club, I’d keep him.
Ashley Williams - He’s not even our player for one, and when he plays he does so with all the grace of a slowly deflating bouncy castle, thanks for fuck all Ashley, I can’t wait for your loan spell to be over.
Ryan Shawcross - A club legend, and anyone who spits venom towards him is a cunt of the highest order, however he’s not the player he once was, and deserves a heroic send-off as a thank you for his great service.
Bruno Martins Indi - He was linked with Manchester United once, Manchester United, I wouldn’t even start him if I was Mansfield Town’s manager, he’s an absolute calamity of a defender, he’s rivalling Sonko at the minute, that’s how wank he is, needs carting off pronto.
Danny Batth - Has only been here 5 minutes and is already captain, which should tell you everything about how pathetic the rest of the creatures infesting this club are, he’d remain by default.
Josh Tymon - I don’t know what his number one skill is, perhaps it’s swimming, or flying model aircraft, but it certainly isn’t football, unlike Edwards he’s showing not even a millionth of any form of promise, needs carting off.
Charlie Adam - Ahhh the one man media crusade juggernaut, has one good game every 15, then is either out injured for weeks afterwards, or snaps someone because he has the pace of tectonic movement and gets banned. His lack of fitness and professionalism cost us valuable points in the Premier League, needs carting off.
Darren Fletcher - I don’t even need to write anything for this one, except i’ll replace needs carting off with needs fucking dumping in some non-league clubs car park pronto.
Joe Allen - Ahhhh Joseph, the one player I associate the most with our relegation. He’s not a goalscorer, he can’t tackle, he can’t pass, he can’t remain in his position, he can’t do
anything, and to this day is shoehorned into the squad to the detriment of the rest of the team, personally the player I can’t wait to see the back of the most.
Sam Clucas - He’s an even shitter Joe Allen, who somehow has the audacity to shush the fans after we’ve had to endure his impersonation of a footballer, needs carting off.
Giannelli Imbula - £18 million he cost, for a team now in the doldrums of the championship, and he’s out on loan, which is just ridiculous, started out promising, but then proved to be a gutless, workshy turd. Needs carting out for whatever loss we have to end up taking.
Peter Etebo - We all watched him at the World Cup, and all of us, me included, were having a right good rummage at our sausages because he looked way to good for this league, so far he’s contributed nothing other than a red card and a few runs, needs carting off.
Badou N’Diaye - One of the biggest (I’ll get to the literal biggest shortly) wankers to ever stain our proud shirt, that display against Leeds was the most obvious “I don’t want to be here” display I’ve ever seen in my life. Honestly I could quite happily twat him, and I’m guessing I’d have to join a very big queue, fuck off Badou.
Kevin Wimmer - Here he is, the USS Wimmer, another £18 million spunked on this clown, what did we get for that? An Austrian sumo wrestler who played about 30 milliseconds for Spurs and has a face like a Warburtons loaf that’s been sat on, cheers again for the fisting on that one Mr Levy, fuck off Wimmer.
James McClean - We never needed him, we never wanted him, he’s an absolutely useless footballer, I couldn’t give a toss about his beliefs, he could burn babies for all I care, I care about his ability on a football pitch, of which he has, and has never had, any. Needs carting off.
Bojan - The worlds greatest footballer. Hyperboly aside, Bojan is the one player left who seems to genuinely care about the fans and the club, and is getting one last chance to prove his worth, needs to stay.
Tom Ince - 10 clubs by the age of 26, that speaks volumes, thinks he’s Messi but he’s more like a Tesco Value Bradley Dack. He also looked like he’d been given an unpleasant diagnosis on his photos when he signed, needs carting off.
Sam Vokes - Well hes missed a penalty already, the silly twat, but it’d be harsh to judge him yet, he can stay.
Benik Afobe - “He can get you promoted on his own” we were told, can he? Where from? The city district football league for the deaf and blind? He clearly can’t be arsed to be here and despite having the build of a mountain he’s weaker than a malnourished gnat. Needs carting off.
Tyrese Campbell - Has some very good potential, one of the few bright spots in this utter abortion of a season, the loan should toughen him up ready for a run in the side next season, he can stay.
Saido Berahino - Cunt, that’s all that needs to be said. Has the audacity to rock up when he likes after scoring what is it, 5 goals in THREE YEARS? I’d rip his contract up, I don’t care how much it costs.
Erik Pieters - Strange to loan him out, even stranger to a team not even the population of Amiens are aware exists, however he’d stagnated immensely, he was getting more dicked than Alan Carr. Needs carting off.
By that I count six players that I’d keep, six.
Jones has got a thankless task, and until he can finally get rid of those wankers, I won’t judge him.