Feel sad and detached from new baby

[duckling]

For background, please see this thread.

oatcakefanzine.proboards.com/thread/299542/inserting-tension-family

This is the only place I feel like I can say these things because of the anonymity.

I gave birth a week ago. I had a Caesarean section with complications and am in a shitload of pain, so my husband has been taking care of the baby. Breastfeeding has been a failure because of low milk production. I have been pumping 8 times a day and get around 40mL total in a day. An average mother would get that much in one session. A lactation consultant is visiting in a few days.

My biggest problems are emotional. I don't feel attached to the child at all. I would never hurt her, but I don't feel any connection with her. While my husband is doting on her, I would rather be in another room washing breast pump parts and sterilizing bottles.

I still feel so sad about the situation with my family, and maybe that's preventing me from being emotionally available for my daughter. About an hour ago I broke down in tears again just as my daughter started wailing for seemingly no reason yet again. I felt too emotionally drained to try to comfort her.

I don't know what to do.

[somersetstokie]

Duckling, I have absolutely no relevant experience of these issues and cannot help with advice. However I symphasize with your feeling that the Oatcake MB is in some way a comforting forum in which to make your feelings known. I don't sleep much and often post on here at odd hours as at least it offers a limited level of communication.

I assume that you are now in the States, and a lot of our UK helplines and contact sites would not be of help to you. However you seem to have numerous social welfare and self help forums over there, and my first brief search suggested the National Parent Helpline as a source of advice at every level. If you go to their website there seems to be every type and category of support for new mothers that you could possibly need. Hopefully.

[willieeetmiout]

The easy answer here is just do what you can manage.

It's not a test or a race about who can do what first or who can do the most.

I'd try not to place any detachment on past experiences. Having a newborn is hard work. I'm on week 9 at the moment. Try some skin on skin contact as it helps regulate the babies breathing.

Also try to get into a routine. Baby won't but it's good if you can. The routine is easy.

Sleep, wake, change, feed, bath/entertain, sleep.

Of course there will be lots of cries in there too but if you focus on the above baby will too eventually.

As mentioned I'm only on week 9 but she is sleeping from 10-11 ish at night til 6 ish in the morning now and I believe this was all down to routine.....oh and 2 absolute God sends

1. White noise. I play it all night when she is sleeping.

2. Swaddle sacks.....these are amazing.

Just keep at it. Oh and remember she won't hurt herself crying so if you need a break put her down, walk away, take breath, have a brew and then try again.

[steve66]

Possibly your feelings connected to what happened to you on your birthday as a child, seek professional advice from a councillor is my limited advice & take care duck

[madnellie]

Mar 7, 2022 0:13:37 GMT duckling said:

For background, please see this thread.

oatcakefanzine.proboards.com/thread/299542/inserting-tension-family

This is the only place I feel like I can say these things because of the anonymity.

I gave birth a week ago. I had a Caesarean section with complications and am in a shitload of pain, so my husband has been taking care of the baby. Breastfeeding has been a failure because of low milk production. I have been pumping 8 times a day and get around 40mL total in a day. An average mother would get that much in one session. A lactation consultant is visiting in a few days.

My biggest problems are emotional. I don't feel attached to the child at all. I would never hurt her, but I don't feel any connection with her. While my husband is doting on her, I would rather be in another room washing breast pump parts and sterilizing bottles.

I still feel so sad about the situation with my family, and maybe that's preventing me from being emotionally available for my daughter. About an hour ago I broke down in tears again just as my daughter started wailing for seemingly no reason yet again. I felt too emotionally drained to try to comfort her.

I don't know what to do.

Duck, please have a chat with your doctor or midwife. I'm not a doctor but it sounds like you might have post partum depression. It's very, very common. I've not had kids myself but I've had friends who have suffered from it and what you wrote sounds so very similar to how they felt, especially with not feeling like they were bonding with their baby. Please, please talk to a professional about how you're feeling, I absolutely GUARANTEE they will have heard it before and will be able to help you start to feel better and bond with the little one.

We'll be with you both, every step along the way duck.

[callas12]

It's really good you've got solice and found trust in the Oatcake forum to chat about where your at with thing's, never think for a moment you're on your own.
There's been some sound advice offered on here & never feel afraid to ask for help or advice, no matter how small you may think it is, be it professional health advice or even if its a question or for advice on here, there is always somebody who can help you. You've been through an emotional experience these last few months, both prior to and during birth by the sounds of it.
You may be in pain now but it will ease over the coming days & weeks, & I'm sure over time your love for your baby will flourish. You've been brave in discussing matters with your family, & brave in giving birth. Your husband & baby should be your main focus now & everything else will fall into place but try not to worry about things you can't control right now especially wider family issues.

Never feel alone & try to keep the faith. Stokies are your wider family & always here to help

[deeside2]

As has been said, it sounds as though you may be suffering from post partum depression.

Hopefully this link is of help.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-natal-depression/overview/

I remember (many years ago) that my wife had a similar situation with both our children when they were born. It is a very frequent occurrence with mothers of new born babies.

I sincerely hope you feel better soon so that you feel you can bond with your baby.

[potterinleeds]

Mar 7, 2022 0:13:37 GMT duckling said:

For background, please see this thread.

oatcakefanzine.proboards.com/thread/299542/inserting-tension-family


I don't know what to do.

1.  As others have suggested, seek some professional help.  And try to talk to other women - whilst middle-aged men (like me) on this message board might be great listeners, only another woman will truly understand how you are currently feeling.

2. The feelings you describe are, in my own experience of being a father and talking to women outside of my family, very, very common.  You've just been through a gruelling physical experience, one which has made all of your body's systems (including your hormonal responses) go haywire.  On top of that, you have all the mental baggage of the experience you have talked about on here being carried around, plus the actuality of family relations to deal with.  It's no wonder that you are feeling as you are.

3.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  Newborn babies are such hard work - I am certain that in time the feelings you expected you would have towards your daughter will come, but don't feel guilty because you don't currently feel them.  Give yourself time.  Same with breast feeding - it works for some women, not for others.  If it doesn't work for you, don't beat yourself up over it.  She's obviously going to be really well cared for and loved by you and your husband, and maybe bottle feeding will be part of that love and care.    

4. As far as the family stuff goes, it can wait.  You've already crossed the most difficult step of actually raising it with your family - you've made the decision and acted upon it, and how they choose to deal with it, well, that's their choice.  But whatever they choose to do, your response can wait - wait until you feel physically and mentally ready to deal with it.   

It's a trite thing to say I know, but hang on in there and be kind to yourself.

[stokecitydom]

Just remember that you only gave birth a week ago & that was with quite major surgery.

My boy was born just over a year ago via cesarean & it can be rough. It will take you a little while to get back. Add having a newborn to the surgery and it’s exhausting. Just don’t put too much pressure on yourself to develop this immediate bond, sometimes it just takes a little time.

You’re doing great & give yourself a break. In a few weeks when your body has recovered & you’ve got abit of routine, hopefully things will start to come together.

However, as other have said, there can be no harm in talking to a professional.

[Goonie]

Mar 7, 2022 0:13:37 GMT duckling said:

For background, please see this thread.

oatcakefanzine.proboards.com/thread/299542/inserting-tension-family

This is the only place I feel like I can say these things because of the anonymity.

I gave birth a week ago. I had a Caesarean section with complications and am in a shitload of pain, so my husband has been taking care of the baby. Breastfeeding has been a failure because of low milk production. I have been pumping 8 times a day and get around 40mL total in a day. An average mother would get that much in one session. A lactation consultant is visiting in a few days.

My biggest problems are emotional. I don't feel attached to the child at all. I would never hurt her, but I don't feel any connection with her. While my husband is doting on her, I would rather be in another room washing breast pump parts and sterilizing bottles.

I still feel so sad about the situation with my family, and maybe that's preventing me from being emotionally available for my daughter. About an hour ago I broke down in tears again just as my daughter started wailing for seemingly no reason yet again. I felt too emotionally drained to try to comfort her.

I don't know what to do.

Hiya Duckling

Your experiences are both common and normal. Don't beat yourself up. You've just gone through a major physical and emotional experience, hormones and sleep patterns all over the place on top of any existing issues you had before.

Give yourself a break and be kind to yourself like you would a friend

If you need help with talking confidentially self-refer here to your local (Staffordshire) improving access to psychological therapies [IAPT]

staffsandstokewellbeing.nhs.uk/

Its open to everyone aged 16 and above. They aim to assess you within 5 working days of assessment of referring in and offer priority access to perinatal mums and partners

Don't suffer in silence seek help. As good as this might make you feel sharing on here it's no substitute for speaking with a health professional

All the best 👍

[Etain Tur-Mukan]

Mar 7, 2022 0:13:37 GMT duckling said:

For background, please see this thread.

oatcakefanzine.proboards.com/thread/299542/inserting-tension-family

This is the only place I feel like I can say these things because of the anonymity.

I gave birth a week ago. I had a Caesarean section with complications and am in a shitload of pain, so my husband has been taking care of the baby. Breastfeeding has been a failure because of low milk production. I have been pumping 8 times a day and get around 40mL total in a day. An average mother would get that much in one session. A lactation consultant is visiting in a few days.

My biggest problems are emotional. I don't feel attached to the child at all. I would never hurt her, but I don't feel any connection with her. While my husband is doting on her, I would rather be in another room washing breast pump parts and sterilizing bottles.

I still feel so sad about the situation with my family, and maybe that's preventing me from being emotionally available for my daughter. About an hour ago I broke down in tears again just as my daughter started wailing for seemingly no reason yet again. I felt too emotionally drained to try to comfort her.

I don't know what to do.

We have an 8 month old and this sounds very much alike to myself and my wife. I immediately and still do and will always :) dote on my daughter while my wife felt detached and unemotional. Note I said felt* :)

She had an emergency caesarian too and that does play a part, as you missed out on various hormones that a natural birth would have given you.

We had incredible trouble breast feeding and my wife would get a similar amount to yourself. Give your daughter whatever you produce but then bottle feed her whatever else she needs. That way she is getting everything important from you (and 40ml is enough of the good stuff!). Don't put much faith in the consultant, we found them to be useless bags of wind.

Your hubby sounds like a great man, just do what you can to help him. As others have said speak to someone about your feelings and after a while you will feel a connection with your daughter. It might not be tomorrow or the next day but it is coming!

[thehartshillbadger]

Mar 7, 2022 0:13:37 GMT duckling said:

For background, please see this thread.

oatcakefanzine.proboards.com/thread/299542/inserting-tension-family

This is the only place I feel like I can say these things because of the anonymity.

I gave birth a week ago. I had a Caesarean section with complications and am in a shitload of pain, so my husband has been taking care of the baby. Breastfeeding has been a failure because of low milk production. I have been pumping 8 times a day and get around 40mL total in a day. An average mother would get that much in one session. A lactation consultant is visiting in a few days.

My biggest problems are emotional. I don't feel attached to the child at all. I would never hurt her, but I don't feel any connection with her. While my husband is doting on her, I would rather be in another room washing breast pump parts and sterilizing bottles.

I still feel so sad about the situation with my family, and maybe that's preventing me from being emotionally available for my daughter. About an hour ago I broke down in tears again just as my daughter started wailing for seemingly no reason yet again. I felt too emotionally drained to try to comfort her.

I don't know what to do.

Just wondering how you’re getting on Duckling? Had some bad health news about my own daughter tonight and it made me think how you’re getting on with your new one?

[duckling]

Mar 30, 2022 21:48:19 GMT thehartshillbadger said:

Just wondering how you’re getting on Duckling? Had some bad health news about my own daughter tonight and it made me think how you’re getting on with your new one?

Sorry, I just saw this. I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety and exhaustion. It sounds evil to say this, but I'm really second guessing my decision to have a child. I care about her and would never harm her, but I don't like caring for her.

I really hope your daughter is doing okay.

[prestwichpotter]

Apr 15, 2022 18:25:14 GMT duckling said:

Mar 30, 2022 21:48:19 GMT thehartshillbadger said:

Just wondering how you’re getting on Duckling? Had some bad health news about my own daughter tonight and it made me think how you’re getting on with your new one?

Sorry, I just saw this. I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety and exhaustion. It sounds evil to say this, but I'm really second guessing my decision to have a child. I care about her and would never harm her, but I don't like caring for her.

I really hope your daughter is doing okay.

Keep taking it day by day, don’t be surprised if something just clicks one day and that feeling goes away. And don’t beat yourself up for feeling that way either, have you been to see a doctor to explain how your feeling it could be PND or something related?

[Gob Bluth]

Mar 7, 2022 0:13:37 GMT duckling said:

For background, please see this thread.

oatcakefanzine.proboards.com/thread/299542/inserting-tension-family

This is the only place I feel like I can say these things because of the anonymity.

I gave birth a week ago. I had a Caesarean section with complications and am in a shitload of pain, so my husband has been taking care of the baby. Breastfeeding has been a failure because of low milk production. I have been pumping 8 times a day and get around 40mL total in a day. An average mother would get that much in one session. A lactation consultant is visiting in a few days.

My biggest problems are emotional. I don't feel attached to the child at all. I would never hurt her, but I don't feel any connection with her. While my husband is doting on her, I would rather be in another room washing breast pump parts and sterilizing bottles.

I still feel so sad about the situation with my family, and maybe that's preventing me from being emotionally available for my daughter. About an hour ago I broke down in tears again just as my daughter started wailing for seemingly no reason yet again. I felt too emotionally drained to try to comfort her.

I don't know what to do.

I hope you’re ok duckling. I’m not sure if it helps but certainly at the birth of my first born I didn’t feel any attachment and didn’t feel like it made sense to have a bond. I spent much time thinking about something a colleague said about doing anything for them and running through a scenario where both his wife and child were in trouble and saving his child. It made no sense to me, I just thought we couldn’t you just make another baby.

I do often tell friends who’re expecting their first that I didn’t have a bond initially. I will say that it developed over time and both my children now give me so much joy.

Again, I hope you’re ok and really hope things develop like they did for me.

[Vadiation_Ribe]

Apr 15, 2022 18:25:14 GMT duckling said:

Mar 30, 2022 21:48:19 GMT thehartshillbadger said:

Just wondering how you’re getting on Duckling? Had some bad health news about my own daughter tonight and it made me think how you’re getting on with your new one?

Sorry, I just saw this. I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety and exhaustion. It sounds evil to say this, but I'm really second guessing my decision to have a child. I care about her and would never harm her, but I don't like caring for her.

I really hope your daughter is doing okay.

It doesn't sound evil to me. I don't have children but know it's common for parents - mothers especially - to feel this way. So you are most definitely not alone.

If you haven't found a place/person locally, have you looked for advice online or found a forum to chat about this? www.mumsnet.com/ has a popular forum in the UK and I imagine attracts worldwide visitors if there isn't something similar in the US. I know online articles can be difficult to trust, but there are many websites that write from personal experience and/or medically review articles.