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Post by duckling on Apr 5, 2021 18:37:02 GMT
When is it okay to insert tension, possibly irreversibly, into a family situation? For decades, the words "happy birthday" have been extremely uncomfortable for me to hear due to a traumatic experience at the hands of a family member on my birthday when I was a child. It was one of many similar incidents I experienced at the hands of this family member, but this one has had a particularly long lasting impact. My relationship with the perpetrator has become more cordial, even warm, in the ensuing decades.
As my birthday approaches this year, I feel like saying something. But this would reopen a rift, and I'm not sure I want to do that.
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Post by mattador78 on Apr 5, 2021 18:51:00 GMT
When is it okay to insert tension, possibly irreversibly, into a family situation? For decades, the words "happy birthday" have been extremely uncomfortable for me to hear due to a traumatic experience at the hands of a family member on my birthday when I was a child. It was one of many similar incidents I experienced at the hands of this family member, but this one has had a particularly long lasting impact. My relationship with the perpetrator has become more cordial, even warm, in the ensuing decades. As my birthday approaches this year, I feel like saying something. But this would reopen a rift, and I'm not sure I want to do that. Do what you need to do for you that’s the most important, and by the sounds seek a bit of outside help and support before you raise it with your family so you are prepared for the next steps. Best of luck for whatever you choose |
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Post by metalhead on Apr 6, 2021 6:04:02 GMT
When is it okay to insert tension, possibly irreversibly, into a family situation? For decades, the words "happy birthday" have been extremely uncomfortable for me to hear due to a traumatic experience at the hands of a family member on my birthday when I was a child. It was one of many similar incidents I experienced at the hands of this family member, but this one has had a particularly long lasting impact. My relationship with the perpetrator has become more cordial, even warm, in the ensuing decades. As my birthday approaches this year, I feel like saying something. But this would reopen a rift, and I'm not sure I want to do that. If the experience was in any way illegal, then it might be worth seeking justice as part of the reason you feel like this may be a form of anger and guilt. |
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Post by chuffedstokie on Apr 6, 2021 8:29:22 GMT
When is it okay to insert tension, possibly irreversibly, into a family situation? For decades, the words "happy birthday" have been extremely uncomfortable for me to hear due to a traumatic experience at the hands of a family member on my birthday when I was a child. It was one of many similar incidents I experienced at the hands of this family member, but this one has had a particularly long lasting impact. My relationship with the perpetrator has become more cordial, even warm, in the ensuing decades. As my birthday approaches this year, I feel like saying something. But this would reopen a rift, and I'm not sure I want to do that. As mattador says, perhaps seeking some advice might be useful before saying anything that would prove to be divisive. If what happened has taken 'decades' to overcome but still not repair I think you'd need to be very comfortable with any outcome before saying anything. Hope everything works out well. |
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Post by mickmillslovechild on Apr 6, 2021 16:32:03 GMT
Whatever it is, don't ever feel like it's YOU inserting any tension into your family.
Judging by your OP, it certainly seems that any tension caused was by the family member many years ago, it's just no-one else knows as yet so 100% of the tension has been dealt with by you alone all this time. Make no mistake though, It's THEM doing whatever they did that has caused the tension, don't take that responsibility or "blame" on yourself.
Hope all goes well and, as mattador says, do what you need to do for you. If that has ramifications and repercussions on other people because of what THEY did, then that's on them and i'm sure those around you would never see it as you creating tension at all, they'd just want you to be well and happy.
All the best
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Post by Pedropotter on Apr 6, 2021 16:42:43 GMT
Whatever it is, don't ever feel like it's YOU inserting any tension into your family. Judging by your OP, it certainly seems that any tension caused was by the family member many years ago, it's just no-one else knows as yet so 100% of the tension has been dealt with by you alone all this time. Make no mistake though, It's THEM doing whatever they did that has caused the tension, don't take that responsibility or "blame" on yourself. Hope all goes well and, as mattador says, do what you need to do for you. If that has ramifications and repercussions on other people because of what THEY did, then that's on them and i'm sure those around you would never see it as you creating tension at all, they'd just want you to be well and happy. All the best Excellent post. Remember, you are the victim in all this. You must do what is right for you. Just be sure to think about the long term consequences. Make sure they are going to be right for you. Good luck mate. |
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Post by duckling on Apr 6, 2021 17:26:33 GMT
Whatever it is, don't ever feel like it's YOU inserting any tension into your family. Judging by your OP, it certainly seems that any tension caused was by the family member many years ago, it's just no-one else knows as yet so 100% of the tension has been dealt with by you alone all this time. Make no mistake though, It's THEM doing whatever they did that has caused the tension, don't take that responsibility or "blame" on yourself. Hope all goes well and, as mattador says, do what you need to do for you. If that has ramifications and repercussions on other people because of what THEY did, then that's on them and i'm sure those around you would never see it as you creating tension at all, they'd just want you to be well and happy.All the best Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately, I don't think the bolded part is true. I'm almost positive it's not. |
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Post by mickmillslovechild on Apr 6, 2021 19:11:43 GMT
Whatever it is, don't ever feel like it's YOU inserting any tension into your family. Judging by your OP, it certainly seems that any tension caused was by the family member many years ago, it's just no-one else knows as yet so 100% of the tension has been dealt with by you alone all this time. Make no mistake though, It's THEM doing whatever they did that has caused the tension, don't take that responsibility or "blame" on yourself. Hope all goes well and, as mattador says, do what you need to do for you. If that has ramifications and repercussions on other people because of what THEY did, then that's on them and i'm sure those around you would never see it as you creating tension at all, they'd just want you to be well and happy.All the best Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately, I don't think the bolded part is true. I'm almost positive it's not. Whether that's the case or not, you want to be well and happy so you have to go with that and do what you need to do, as you have your life to lead. Plenty of other people you've probably never even met are currently at this very moment wanting you to be well and happy also (us lot that is). Genuinely! It sounds trite and just words but if you have people who've never even met you on here that will take the time out to show support, then you never know how much those around you who love you may surprise you. Even if they don't support you, you can't live your life 24/7 based on what family members (who i presume you don't see all the time anyway) may think. So what if it causes "tension" at a family get together every few months. That's nothing compared to you carrying it around every day of your life. "You do you", as i believe they say across the pond. Remember, no matter how supportive they are or not, you're not the "bad guy" here so don't ever feel guilty for standing up and calling something out as wrong. |
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Post by duckling on Apr 12, 2021 23:09:17 GMT
I've decided to keep quiet.
The reality is, I'm sure he'll respond with denial that it happened, then say that it wasn't a big deal and I'm overreacting, then get upset that I would bring it up after so many years, then call me ungrateful for the other things he's done for me. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't apologize or acknowledge the hurt he caused.
His likely reaction would make me so angry, even more than I am now. I don't think I could handle that. It would feel like being hurt again.
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Post by musik on Apr 13, 2021 0:04:57 GMT
Dear Duckling,
he should be happy it wasn't me.
A huge hug from me to You!
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Post by duckling on Jul 6, 2021 7:57:49 GMT
There's been a big development. I'm pregnant. Now I have to decide whether to let this family member have any contact with my child. I will make sure he is never alone with the child. But should I forbid him from seeing the child entirely? Banning him would require me to explain to the rest of the family why.
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Post by potterinleeds on Jul 6, 2021 8:47:22 GMT
There's been a big development. I'm pregnant. Now I have to decide whether to let this family member have any contact with my child. I will make sure he is never alone with the child. But should I forbid him from seeing the child entirely? Banning him would require me to explain to the rest of the family why. I appreciate from what has been posted above that there are no easy answers to this situation, but from this last post, it suggests that you suspect that the family member (FM) has an ongoing and serious problem with their behaviour around children - that what happened to you years ago was not a 'one off', not that that lessens the impact even it was. If you are going to have to spend the rest of your life at every family gathering watching your child like a hawk just in case the FM picks them up, cuddles them, offers to take them out to the garden for walk - maybe with an ulterior motive, maybe not, how will you tell? - that's a pretty miserable situation to be in. It seems to me that this situation will now come to a head sooner or later, whether you force it or it happens anyway in the general course of events. I would also ask how old is this FM and how often do you see them? I don't want to sound harsh, but if they are old, or in poor health, and likely to be dead in the next 2-3 years, and you only see them once a year, if you feel it is best to stay silent for whatever reason (and I make no judgements), then maybe you could manage that. But if this is a situation that could potentially be ongoing for a long time, with frequent contact, that's going to be lot more difficult. I can only echo what Mickmills said above - you might find you have more support within the family than you think, and don't worry about what the rest of the family might think of you. About 6 years ago, I finally rid myself of a family member who had caused problems for years. The situation was nowhere near as complex as yours - he was merely an obnoxious twat, and I only had to waste 3 hrs or so a year in his company - but hurtful behaviour towards people I genuinely cared about all added up over the years, and came to a head just before Christmas. As a result, neither me nor a few other family members will ever see him again, but my Dad said to me afterwards that he wished we had done it 30 years before. Finally, please consider the impact of all this on your pregnancy (and you don't need a 52 year old man on a message board to tell you that, I'm sure!). I hope your pregnancy is wonderful and the end result is a healthy mum and child, but realistically there are bound to be stresses along the way, so if you do decide to go ahead and speak out, choose a time when you know you have got support in place around you. |
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Post by prestwichpotter on Jul 6, 2021 9:04:46 GMT
There's been a big development. I'm pregnant. Now I have to decide whether to let this family member have any contact with my child. I will make sure he is never alone with the child. But should I forbid him from seeing the child entirely? Banning him would require me to explain to the rest of the family why. I appreciate from what has been posted above that there are no easy answers to this situation, but from this last post, it suggests that you suspect that the family member (FM) has an ongoing and serious problem with their behaviour around children - that what happened to you years ago was not a 'one off', not that that lessens the impact even it was. If you are going to have to spend the rest of your life at every family gathering watching your child like a hawk just in case the FM picks them up, cuddles them, offers to take them out to the garden for walk - maybe with an ulterior motive, maybe not, how will you tell? - that's a pretty miserable situation to be in. It seems to me that this situation will now come to a head sooner or later, whether you force it or it happens anyway in the general course of events. I would also ask how old is this FM and how often do you see them? I don't want to sound harsh, but if they are old, or in poor health, and likely to be dead in the next 2-3 years, and you only see them once a year, if you feel it is best to stay silent for whatever reason (and I make no judgements), then maybe you could manage that. But if this is a situation that could potentially be ongoing for a long time, with frequent contact, that's going to be lot more difficult. I can only echo what Mickmills said above - you might find you have more support within the family than you think, and don't worry about what the rest of the family might think of you. About 6 years ago, I finally rid myself of a family member who had caused problems for years. The situation was nowhere near as complex as yours - he was merely an obnoxious twat, and I only had to waste 3 hrs or so a year in his company - but hurtful behaviour towards people I genuinely cared about all added up over the years, and came to a head just before Christmas. As a result, neither me nor a few other family members will ever see him again, but my Dad said to me afterwards that he wished we had done it 30 years before. Finally, please consider the impact of all this on your pregnancy (and you don't need a 52 year old man on a message board to tell you that, I'm sure!). I hope your pregnancy is wonderful and the end result is a healthy mum and child, but realistically there are bound to be stresses along the way, so if you do decide to go ahead and speak out, choose a time when you know you have got support in place around you. Was halfway posting but you've said everything that I was going to so I'll just echo what you've said. Congratulations as well duckling........ |
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Post by Rednwhitenblue on Jul 6, 2021 9:12:38 GMT
There are some very sensible replies on here and the only thing I would add is to suggest seeking some advice/guidance from trained professionals who must have encountered this situation many times previously, and at the very least will provide a sounding board for you to talk it through and weigh up the options without judging or telling you what to do.
Perhaps through speaking to your own doctor first? He/she will know who to put you in contact with.
The bottom line has to be the protection of your own child, however you go about achieving that.
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Post by duckling on Jul 6, 2021 9:21:13 GMT
Thank you potterinleeds. That gives me a lot to think about. There are some very sensible replies on here and the only thing I would add is to suggest seeking some advice/guidance from trained professionals who must have encountered this situation many times previously, and at the very least will provide a sounding board for you to talk it through and weigh up the options without judging or telling you what to do. Perhaps through speaking to your own doctor first? He/she will know who to put you in contact with. The bottom line has to be the protection of your own child, however you go about achieving that. I have avoided talking to a professional about this because I don't want to take the risk that they'll report what happened to me to law enforcement. |
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Post by Rednwhitenblue on Jul 6, 2021 9:31:18 GMT
Thank you potterinleeds. That gives me a lot to think about. There are some very sensible replies on here and the only thing I would add is to suggest seeking some advice/guidance from trained professionals who must have encountered this situation many times previously, and at the very least will provide a sounding board for you to talk it through and weigh up the options without judging or telling you what to do. Perhaps through speaking to your own doctor first? He/she will know who to put you in contact with. The bottom line has to be the protection of your own child, however you go about achieving that. I have avoided talking to a professional about this because I don't want to take the risk that they'll report what happened to me to law enforcement. I'm pretty sure it is all in confidence, so they won't be able to. But that is a question you should definitely ask up front. Check with your doctor. |
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Post by potterinleeds on Jul 6, 2021 9:37:41 GMT
Thank you potterinleeds. That gives me a lot to think about. There are some very sensible replies on here and the only thing I would add is to suggest seeking some advice/guidance from trained professionals who must have encountered this situation many times previously, and at the very least will provide a sounding board for you to talk it through and weigh up the options without judging or telling you what to do. I have avoided talking to a professional about this because I don't want to take the risk that they'll report what happened to me to law enforcement. No problem - I sincerely hope you manage to negotiate what must be a very difficult situation with the least stress to yourself and your baby. RWB's suggestion re. the trained professional seems very sensible to me - I appreciate your concerns re. law enforcement, but in some cases there must surely be a code of conduct requiring confidentiality between client and professional. |
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Post by noustie on Jul 6, 2021 12:37:29 GMT
You'll likely be amazed how much a child changes you - before our daughter came along I never said boo to a goose and just went with everything for the easy life. Now, although nowhere even close to your issues, I honestly do not give a shit anymore and if I see something I think is going to negatively affect her the gloves are fucking off. My mum has a favourite, which they all do really, but came a point where the golden one was getting preferential treatment to the point they got away with everything where the others got blamed. Told her sort herself out as the kids were obviously noticing or she wouldn't be seeing ours until she did - took me three months of keeping the wee one away, they live less than 15 minutes away, before the penny dropped that I'm not playing.
Something a mate of mine said to me when my wife was pregnant has stuck with me and basically that's: when you shut your door at night those in your house are all that matter - the rest you can choose how to play it. Plus you can sub-contract out responsibility of your kid be it having them looked after by friends or family or when you send them school but the bottom line is you can never sub-contract out accountability. His sister-in-law was an alcoholic and everyone skirted about it until his sister in law asked in-front of the entire family at some event why she never got babysit the kids. As such, even his troubles weren't anything in comparison to yours but he basically had it out right there and then because all that mattered to him was the welfare of his kids.
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Post by flea79 on Jul 7, 2021 8:07:51 GMT
i had a similar decision to make with my kid when she was born, from reading into it its different circumstances but i decided not too let the poison of my past be part of my girls life so therefore ceased all contact with biological family and hope to break the cycle of pain that comes with them, maybe one day when she is older i will give her the choice but then again maybe not
do whats right for you, if as it reads and you are a victim in the way im thinking then you should speak out and be damned with the consequences, you mention the person in question has since done a lot for you, thats either guilt or attempting to buy your silence and that is still a form of abuse and grooming
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wapiti
Youth Player
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Post by wapiti on Jul 7, 2021 17:31:29 GMT
"There's been a big development. I'm pregnant."
Congratulations.....hope everything goes smoothly for you.
"Now I have to decide whether to let this family member have any contact with my child."
No.....never.
"I will make sure he is never alone with the child."
Yes.....he should never be alone with your child (or the children of any other family member).....you already know that, now just act on what you know.
"But should I forbid him from seeing the child entirely?"
Yes.....forbid him for the sake of your child and for himself.
"Banning him would require me to explain to the rest of the family why."
You've carried this emotional and psychological burden on your own, in the dark, for a long time......turn the lights on. Don't worry about family members, they didn't protect you from this person upon multiple occasions. You should actually do this if there are other children within his reach. A small price to pay for the safety of your own child.
If you talk to him, inform him of your decision to exclude him from your life (long overdue). You could play nice and make an arrangement where he agrees to avoid any gathering that you (and your future child) will attend. He resists, tell everyone who is willing to listen. Let everyone know what they are potentially dealing with. Good luck.
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wapiti
Youth Player
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Post by wapiti on Jul 8, 2021 18:25:49 GMT
"Yes.....forbid him for the sake of your child and for himself."
Sorry, Duckie......meant to say "yourself" not "himself". I'm on your side, not his.
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Post by foster on Jul 8, 2021 19:55:20 GMT
There's been a big development. I'm pregnant. Now I have to decide whether to let this family member have any contact with my child. I will make sure he is never alone with the child. But should I forbid him from seeing the child entirely? Banning him would require me to explain to the rest of the family why. The child is the priority. If you have to explain 'why' then so be it. Fuck everyone else. Not saying anything will potentially put the child what you went through. Is that really what you want? You might not always be around. |
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Post by mtrstudent on Jul 9, 2021 0:36:18 GMT
I've a friend who might have been in a kind of similar situation, someone she spoke with suggested she be willing to say to family: "X is a child rapist, he abused me and I will not let my child go near a child rapist." My mate said that phrasing made things really clear and it was the best advice she got.
Maybe that doesn't apply to you because every situation is different & difficult, I just wish you and the kid all the best.
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Post by duckling on Feb 2, 2022 10:04:32 GMT
Update. I finally said something. Now my family is furious with me, calling me a liar, etc. I'm 8 months pregnant and have lost my whole family. I feel absolutely miserable.
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Post by prestwichpotter on Feb 2, 2022 10:28:11 GMT
Update. I finally said something. Now my family is furious with me, calling me a liar, etc. I'm 8 months pregnant and have lost my whole family. I feel absolutely miserable. Easy for me to say as I'm not in your shoes but with a baby on the way a toxic relationship with family isn't good for anyone. Would talking to a professional help you try and rationalise it and move forward? Try and throw yourself into as many baby groups that are available if you're feeling up to it, my wife has made several lifelong friends through these types of groups and they regularly socialise with and without the kids 14 years on, they have a really tight friendship group. Families are strange, you feel loyalty towards a group of people that have been thrown together by chance, whereas you tend to pick your friends based on like minded views, mutual interests etc. Sometimes your better off concentrating on the latter. If you need any help in the short term, even if it's just the practical side (baby stuff etc) then drop me a DM I'm happy to help where I can. And I'm really sorry you find yourself in this situation........ |
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Post by mickmillslovechild on Feb 2, 2022 11:13:18 GMT
Update. I finally said something. Now my family is furious with me, calling me a liar, etc. I'm 8 months pregnant and have lost my whole family. I feel absolutely miserable. Easy for me to say as I'm not in your shoes but with a baby on the way a toxic relationship with family isn't good for anyone. Would talking to a professional help you try and rationalise it and move forward? Try and throw yourself into as many baby groups that are available if you're feeling up to it, my wife has made several lifelong friends through these types of groups and they regularly socialise with and without the kids 14 years on, they have a really tight friendship group. Families are strange, you feel loyalty towards a group of people that have been thrown together by chance, whereas you tend to pick your friends based on like minded views, mutual interests etc. Sometimes your better off concentrating on the latter. If you need any help in the short term, even if it's just the practical side (baby stuff etc) then drop me a DM I'm happy to help where I can. And I'm really sorry you find yourself in this situation........ I can only echo this but just to add, you haven't lost your entire family, you're simply a month away from starting a brand new one, a happier one, a safer one, a more loving one. That's what family is....people who look after you, people who love you, people who know you, not a group of people you happen to share some genetic material with but won't support you when you need it most. You have a family you just haven't met her/him yet but will within weeks now and it will be the best, most precious, most joyful family member you'll ever have. |
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Post by partickpotter on Feb 2, 2022 17:33:02 GMT
Some very good advice above.
Nothing to add other than wishing you all the very best for the birth. You’ll be a brilliant mum.
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Feb 2, 2022 18:00:00 GMT
Stay strong Duckling. Soon enough you’ll be bringing a beautiful life into your world to focus all your love and affection on.
Best of luck to you and baby.
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Post by felonious on Feb 2, 2022 18:21:02 GMT
All I can add is that with kids you'll find the very meaning of unconditional love.
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Post by cheadlepotter on Feb 2, 2022 18:48:47 GMT
Obviously I don’t know exactly what you’ve been through and are going through now but, judging by what you have said, my wife has been through something very similar.
Surround yourself with people and things that make you happy and focus your energy on those. Any family member that calls you a liar, however hard it may be, doesn’t deserve you, your time, even your thoughts.
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