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Post by iloveglennwhelan on Mar 11, 2016 16:14:05 GMT
...I would like to tell you all the tale of club legend, family hero, and sumptuous sex symbol, Glenn David Whelan. Christened “Whee Whillie Whelan”, the man known now as Glenn Whelan was born into a Clondalkin family of cobblers on the 13th January, 1984. Expected by all those around him to continue the family tradition, much excitement arose in the Whelan household when he tied his shoe at only two weeks of age. “This boy is special”, proclaimed his father. He was correct, but not in the way that he predicted. The mundanity of shoe-repair was not what Whelan was ultimately destined for, but the journey ahead was not a simple one.  After breaking the world record for most shoes cobbled in an hour, a single tear sank. As he gazed at himself in the mirror, it was the combination of transparent vacancy yet powerful raw emotion in his tear that made Whelan realise what he truly desired in life. Sexy passes. Stimulating long balls. Brutishly erotic tackles. Seductive Clearances. “When I… When I… When” stuttered Whelan in a somewhat panicked state before his dad remorselessly bellowed “shut your face you freak, what are you doing? Get back to cobbling”. Random abrupt outbreaks of “when I” continued for seemingly no reason at all and it was not long before Whelan was diagnosed with Tourette’s syndrome.  Whelan became labelled a family embarrassment. It was torturous for him at the time, but two years of being locked in the attic forcedly cobbling, whilst fed nothing but polenta and dry Weetabix, forced Whelan into realizing his full potential. Epiphany struck, and he sexually thrusted his way out of the thatched roof of his family home before sprinting away to the unknown realms of his future. Broken free from the limited ambitions and restricted parameters of his family, Whee Whillie Whelan purged almost all existing links of his cobbling background by changing his forename. A long admirer of astronaut John Glenn, Whelan adopted this as the forename that the whole world would one day know him for. At the age of 16, the now named Glenn Whelan encountered football for the first time as he strutted alluringly past Elmdale Crescent, the home of Cherry Orchard FC. Time seemed to stop as an abrupt gasp emanated from the whole Cherry Orchard squad, induced purely by the sight of Glenn Whelan. A member of the squad timidly handed Whelan the football they were training with… “When I…, “When I…”, stuttered Whelan. The Cherry Orchard squad started to look around quizzically at one another. The stuttering continued from Whelan, “When I… When I”, before the pivotal moment of truth and realization hit the world all at once… “WHEN I GET THAT FEELING!!!!” screamed Glenn Whelan at the top of his voice. Without even knowing his name, the Cherry Orchard squad, as well as a few passers-by, at once collectively exclaimed in response, “I WANT, SEXUAL WHELAN!!!”. Sexual Whelan had arrived. I was one of those passers-by. |
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Post by stantheman on Mar 11, 2016 16:17:06 GMT
You Sir are my all time favourite poster. Quality stuff, keep them coming!
Message to Admin Team - Give this man a page in the printed Oatcake.
Weetabix and polenta, fookin love it!
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Post by bringmesunshine on Mar 11, 2016 16:17:48 GMT
Lovin the bedroom walls
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Post by Mint Berry Barks on Mar 11, 2016 16:35:14 GMT
For fuck sake..
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2016 17:25:35 GMT
I think you are a bit of a Whelan fan.
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Post by blurtonboy on Mar 11, 2016 17:31:29 GMT
i think you are totally bonkers, but by far, the best poster by a country mile on here.
I love, iloveglennwhelan, funny as fuck, long may you post.
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Post by stantheman on Mar 11, 2016 17:32:00 GMT
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Post by prudhoessafehands on Mar 11, 2016 18:43:21 GMT
I hope and pray that Glenn gets the reception and respect he deserves tomorrow,
the amount of shit both him and Walters gets on here is appalling from some fans
300 appearances and he gave heart and soul in nearly every one..Lets raise the roof tomorrow Stokies
GO ARRRRNNNNNN
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sutt
Youth Player
Ole Ole Ole Ole
Posts: 296
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Post by sutt on Mar 12, 2016 2:23:59 GMT
Wouldn't it be great if we can show whelan our thanks and organise a clap in the 6th minute of tomorrow's game. Any takers?
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Post by marwood on Mar 12, 2016 7:03:57 GMT
My Aunties next door neighbour is ITK and she says that ILoveGlennWhelan is in fact Glenn Whelan, which makes these threads even better
Keep up the good work
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Post by Pedropotter on Mar 12, 2016 8:14:59 GMT
Full marks sir! WHEN I GET THET FEELIN' .........
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Post by trigger on Mar 12, 2016 8:28:14 GMT
A Carriage Clock wouldn't go a miss, with a nice sentimental engraved line or two thanking him for his service and perhaps a little spread after the match for his closest friends.
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Post by roostershair on Mar 12, 2016 8:36:18 GMT
(rofl)Nearly choked on me cornflakes. Literary genius
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Post by scfc75 on Mar 12, 2016 8:40:12 GMT
A Carriage Clock wouldn't go a miss, with a nice sentimental engraved line or two thanking him for his service and perhaps a little spread after the match for his closest friends. Nice. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2016 8:43:16 GMT
Take a bow. Absolutely brilliant  No offence but your mental mate. Keep them coming. |
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Post by scfcno1fan on Mar 12, 2016 9:33:51 GMT
Rendition of sexual Whelan today? Someone has to show Glenn these posts. |
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Post by Mr_DaftBurger on Mar 12, 2016 9:39:14 GMT
Wouldn't it be great if we can show whelan our thanks and organise a clap in the 6th minute of tomorrow's game. Any takers? Just the one? |
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Post by terrorofturfmoor on Mar 12, 2016 9:49:57 GMT
brilliant.....favourite post ever!!! It's time Glenn reverted back to his original name now "Whee Whillie Whelan" his father may have come to his senses and be looking to be reunited with him!!!
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Post by marwood on Mar 12, 2016 9:50:37 GMT
I love Glenn Whelan and I love ILoveGlennWhelan
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Post by stantheman on Mar 12, 2016 10:14:55 GMT
The 1st black & white picture of him as a cobbler looks completely original. Mrs Whelan has got to see these posts
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Post by southstanddan on Mar 12, 2016 10:23:55 GMT
Brilliant! Keep up the good work ILGW. He must see this you know
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Post by JetBlack on Mar 12, 2016 10:29:56 GMT
Very funny mate. Nice one!
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Post by iloveglennwhelan on Mar 12, 2016 10:34:32 GMT
Rendition of sexual Whelan today? Someone has to show Glenn these posts. It has to be done. Like every week I will be chanting and cheering for sexual Whelan, I hope others will join me. A 6th minute sexual Whelan chant would make my day/life. |
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Post by muglump on Mar 12, 2016 10:38:02 GMT
I wonder what will happen when he moves on (or retires) - let's hope he stays on as a coach or something or I think this guy will implode
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Post by OldStokie on Mar 12, 2016 10:47:29 GMT
OS doffs flat cap to OP. Occasionally... just occasionally, someone comes along with a gem like this reminding me what The Oatcake can be about... great satire and wit at its best.  I expect hear at the match today: There's only one Whee Whillie Whelan! One Whee Whillie Whelan! There's only one Whee Whillie Wheeeeelan!  OS. |
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Post by fca47 on Mar 12, 2016 10:47:45 GMT
Great signing and servant to the club. We won't get too many players reaching this landmark.
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Post by andystokey on Mar 12, 2016 11:00:13 GMT
I thought it was going to be a suggestion for a minutes applause on 300minutes. Much better than I expected ;-)
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Post by wuzza on Mar 12, 2016 11:00:38 GMT
Reminds me of that Alan Partridge episode with his 'No 1' fan.
I really hope team members get to see this stuff - Mr Whelan would get grief for months!!
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Post by boskampsflaps on Mar 12, 2016 11:39:32 GMT
Wouldn't it be great if we can show whelan our thanks and organise a clap in the 6th minute of tomorrow's game. Any takers? No. |
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Post by Sven on Mar 12, 2016 12:52:44 GMT
I've justed wasted a fiver on him to score anytime @ 12/1. Goooaaarrrn Glenda
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